What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

We could possibly again when others have suggested this, I said i didn’t want to put DS through it, just so that as others see it he should be doing more. When you have to consider your child in the situation.
He did a mid week night once, and DS was exhausted the next day.
It is 4 buses (2 each way) from his home, say an hour each way in total.
Where as we are 10 minutes from school.

Ex only has a room so they share, I think this probably doesn’t help, and then okay normal as it seems to be, there is no routine.

I’m not losing sleep whilst DS is away, it’s when he returns and this happens. I’ve tried to let go a bit, but going through that obviously stresses me out, and then it’s on my mind, and I am thinking about things in the night.
I recently had a short course of talking therapy, main referral at the time was because GP’s refer when you have Chronic Fatigue. Although of course when you do the questionaires they give, it covers other things like anxiety/over thinking etc.
They’ve closed my treatment for now to leave me to work on a booklet they gave me.
I have been offered counselling by another service so I might take this up.

From the talking therapy they referred me to MIND this was more would you like to, kind of thing.
Because they were aware of my housing issues, that I have been served notice to leave.

So I have an assessment coming up, hopefully this might offer some help where I am struggling from the above issues.

I know, I mean the weekend just gone was only because his sister and her family visited.
Otherwise to an extent ex will do things that suit him.

I can’t completely disagree that yes he sees him and they get out etc.
But at the same time will not pretend this is all that matters.

For example he is not involved in school at all. DS as do most kids had reading book from school for years now, weekly.
He takes it with him, ex has never to my knowledge sat down and listened to him read.
Basically the comment book for the parent he has never written in it ever, ignores it knows about it.
Homework online will ignore or say problem with internet etc.
But DS has sat on the screen playing games etc/watching things.
Spelling he might do some or just sends it back blank.
But for some reason a lot of this seems to be okay and accepted in society.

The list goes on, I don’t say he doesn’t do anything but is lacking on lots of things, but as I said above it seems to be accepted.

Yes I agree I have heard of many doing every other weekend, and thought about it only myself lastnight. Then thought yes it helps, but same problem just less often.

This was organised so as to give him some responsibility too, as he had so little and to share things a bit, although often it seems mums are shot down for needing a break etc too.
But of course if changes are needed I would make them.

Sorry wanted to add on my first reply sorry you went through that, yes it must have been hard going back and forth. It stood out where you said 1am bedtime etc. So then I thought okay if you go by other examples ex is not as bad. But would just help if he sticks to regular times.
I have seen DS when they have rested a bit more and been to bed at a better time.

When it’s affecting them like that when they return. And they can’t get up on the Monday, going in very tired I don’t think I can just say this is okay.

Yes it’s interesting you say that, as a few others have too. But if some say he’s not getting much time and that’s every weekend, then every other weekend is even less then.
I wouldn’t do a night in the week unless necessary. Because same issues.

Plus if ex works to him that is also my job to help him work, by covering things.
But never helped me in the same way.
He wouldn’t get to school for 3pm, and then it would mean me picking DS up and going home with him, or pay for after school club, until ex could get there.

I didn’t say I want to restrict because he misses him.
Do you consider it normal for a child to be extremely tired from that contact, but okay the rest of the time?
And crying for 2 hours on and off.

I do try to get him to bed earlier, and will keep trying on the Sundays.

In regards to swapping 😃 that would go down like a lead balloon with ex, he doesn’t want the responsibility. Then DS will be even more exhausted from having to try to sleep and get up earlier to get to the school. It can take over an hour from where he lives. I don’t see much benefit.
Plus if ex works, then he will just say he is working and that is that, means he has no responsibility but I do. Again yes I get why people say it’s just how it is, but something accepted in society.
I can work and juggle but he doesn’t have to.

For example he is not involved in school at all. DS as do most kids had reading book from school for years now, weekly.
He takes it with him, ex has never to my knowledge sat down and listened to him read.
Basically the comment book for the parent he has never written in it ever, ignores it knows about it.
Homework online will ignore or say problem with internet etc.
But DS has sat on the screen playing games etc/watching things.
Spelling he might do some or just sends it back blank.
But for some reason a lot of this seems to be okay and accepted in society.

But If your son only sees his dad 3 out of 4 weekends, then maybe he doesn't want to spend his time with him doing homework? I think that would be understandable given he doesn't get a lot of time with him. Neither me nor my partner do homework at the weekend - it's the kids time off. Weekend is for having fun.

It’s interesting that you say that, about being poorly, I have seen other things come up about health, when you say poorly what kind of things come to mind, that this could be connected to?

When you said it doesn’t seem a huge amount to do for a 8 year old, what do you mean sorry

He goes to my parents since we had mediation and DS was then going in to nursery etc, and less time to see them, plus because ex was going to be with him the other weekends.
Then it would be dropping in after day care/school or in the holidays. And they are not far, so all tied in. My mum suggested it I guess so they get to spend time with DS, is that bad, I mean the only grandchild they will ever have too.

We aren’t divorced we wasn’t married, he’s not crying because of that. I have seen him on other occasions where he has been much less tired, and completely different.

Lots of families who are still together relax bed times and routine at the weekends.
Ex is more likely to do this because it's the only time he sees dc.
It sounds like dc wants to see more of his dad, is there a way to achieve that. What about school holidays, are they shared.

I'd also drop the weekend at grandparents and have that one myself. As they are close by, they can see plenty of dc at other times .

Your main concern seems to be the effect this has on you?

Sorry but I don’t think that’s really relevant. He misses his dad, he enjoys spending time with him, his dad has lots of lovely, busy weekends with him (as that’s all the time they have).

That it makes you anxious, is neither here nor there.

I agree the grandparents weekend should be dropped, if anything.

I think it’s a combination of you needing to relax a bit, accept that there will be some tiredness, and some changes on both sides.

Every other weekend & on the other week 1 night or 2 midweek would spread things out better. Yes DC will be tired and a bit out of sorts when returning but that is really normal for kids moving between homes.

Agree with this. It’s not about you OP it’s about the child and he seems to be having a lovely time, yes he’s tired but so are most children after a weekend to be honest.

If they share a room, is the concern that his dad is staying up late watching tv or gaming etc and your DS isn’t getting proper sleep because of that?

Drop the weekend with your parents. Spend that weekend with your child yourself. If your parents want to spend time with your child, they have him overnight during the week, or come to you.

It's shit expecting the non-resident parent to spend their precious time with their child on homework; my BIL has an acrimonious divorce ongoing with his DD mother, who hardly lets him see her, and then sends homework to be done during his time.

Why couldn't your DS visit his father's relatives back in their home country? Has he not been yet? It's cruel to deny him a relationship with his other family and culture, especially since he gets to see your parents regularly.

School holidays have only been shared for want of a better term, when ex felt like it. Also would mess around saying not sure, might be working, I’ll let you know etc, so sometimes right up to near the day.
Or can confirm ahead of time when it suits him.

With bed times it’s because he can’t be bothered really I can tell you that much.

So you never have DS at weekends ? Do you work

why does he do 3/4 and 4th at parents

every other would be better or every first or every Saturday and a night in week ideally

least he is being a Father and spending time unlike another thread on here where dad lets step mum do it all

This.
He is barely getting any sleep at the weekends. Does his dad snore too?

But there is nothing you can do except make sure he gets an early bedtime every day during the week.

You could send DS with an eye mask and ear plugs. Talk to DS about it and see if he would like that

I get the problem and how it affects and upsets you but if the weekends are leaving your child exhausted to the point of tears and your ex will agree, surely dialling it down to alternate weekends will help deal with the exhaustion thing? You can plan to have lovely weekends with your son but do quieter stuff?

You need a better contact schedule.

other posters are right that you say
a lot about you but you are doing all the drudge without the fun.

Wouldn't you like a fun weekend with ds? A day to do as you please and sleep in the next day?

you get all the school runs, packed lunches, times he doesn’t want ds, homework, laundry etc.

O would suggest to ex that you have a routine schedule and that would include set contact time during holidays and he has to arrange childcare etc during his contact.

o think if you don’t sort this out more effectively ds will make the decision to live with his dad and I can’t see you getting all weekends of that happens.

also agree cancel the weekend at you parents and you spend it with ds. I can’t believe the one weekend a month you get with your son and you willingly give it up.

Tbh I think he is a selfish man and a terrible parent. A good parent would prioritise his child getting enough sleep. A good parent would want to take an interest in his child's education. He would want to share the actual work of parenting and would want the other parent to have some quality time. He doesn't care that his child is over stimulated and overtired to the point of exhaustion and tears, because he doesn't have to deal with it.

This is what I say. They do sometimes have quieter days but not often. A few suggested him coming home a few hours earlier on a Sunday. Not sure how much it would help but could try it I guess.

A bit tired is an understatement. It’s clearly too much for him, if he is coming home as he is. And things are a struggle. Then in to the next morning etc, and he has school.