What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

Sorry I may have missed that. No I’m not working at the weekend.

And the way you’be worded things is like an interrogation when the original thing was about bed times etc. Which I’m glad to have received responses saying yes he should parent at the weekend too.

Is there a tying error in the bit about ‘there has been no explanation about your child going to his father the weekend a month’?

If you mean 3 a month, why is that considered a lot, and then when we originally organised things they asked about the other weekend and I guess at the time it worked and made some sense. But things change of course.
Also considering there are some who think 3 weekends a month is not enough with his father, I don’t see why that is an issue.

Why does it seem odd to you

It’s every weekend except this one that has been pulled up and made a big thing of, that he goes to his grandparents.

Bearing in mind unless he would change his ways, which can happen but how much nagging/time stress has to go in to that. If he keeps things as they are. I wouldn’t want to put DC through that an additional night of the week, and maybe not sleep good, then have to go in to school the next day, but I do get the good reasoning behind it too.

Yes I have felt like that looking back over school times/routine. That you feel like it’s just all go and then that’s it. We did have some time and it was nice. Now would be difficult when a child has been used to their arrangements, to swap things. But he would get past that.

Because I'm a parent, and I want to spend quality time with my son. I find it odd that some parents don't want to spend quality time with their children.

Precisely. Crying is natural when a child gets home and has to leave the other parent.
It's a good sign really.
OP don't you realize your child is not the only one.

Exactly that. It may have been dealt with already, been a busy day, but you are doing Mon - Fri so getting to school, nightly reading or spelling, suitable dinners, bedtime etc etc but from my experience it's a rush getting out in the morning and getting home from school you are squashing everything in so no time for going out to do something fun before bed. Why should he get all the weekend fun? I love having that later, lazier start and going out (park/picnic/cinema/museum/whatever) or doing some crafts/baking at home. I don't want the only thing DD remembers of her childhood is Dad did all the fun stuff and Mum always made me read my school books/eat broccoli!

I don’t condone it at all, and I think it’s only become more acceptable now, in terms of as the person who commented said ‘official’ terms, because of housing crisis and cost of living.

I don’t say it as an excuse but I have commented somewhere else, that if it were me even in my main job on a full time salary, I could not afford the rent.
So he could have done a lot more with him in his trade, to get a flat.
There seems to be a mix of fathers who although granted they live further out but always did, so a bit more affordable, but they have their own place. Good job etc.

I then know of people who did not have an appropriate place to take their kids, talking about men who took their ex partner to court.
And use their gf’s place to have their kids. One where there are already a couple of kids in a small bedroom, and then his children come too so 4 in total.
Everyone seems to be doing different things.

If it was his main home, then yes it would be more of a issue, but still not great, but if managed better it would improve things.
But again this is why it won’t go on forever, as whether he improves things or not it won’t always be suitable to stay over.

Love that 😄 about the Broccoli but all true. And yes something that will have to be brought in to the other routine we already had.

I think it is difficult although it’s hardly like he’s putting DS down to sleep early and having to lie there waiting to want to sleep himself.
But no it won’t help if the TV is on, or ex is sitting on phone, in dark or something like that, I am just imagining from what I know of him as a person.
To be honest even if he had a separate bedroom, i couldn’t see ex pulling his finger out and saying right let’s get you to bed.

It’s a nice idea with changing the grandparents visits. And I know it’s more a suggestion, but it’s not the same for all. In the way that I wouldn’t ask them to do a mid week because that would mean getting him to school the next day. It’s an early start, for a few reasons it wouldn’t work.
Coming to mine, yeah they could drop in but if you know what I mean, with some generations like you go to them kind of thing.
But we could organise other occasions.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect the non resident parent to do some parenting like homework etc. It would be no different if he was on board. And believe me it would have been ten times worse then.

I understand your BIL’s situation that is hard. But not all fathers are poor victims and if as it has been stated here many times it’s about the child. Why do people make it as though the fathers don’t get time they should.

I think with going abroad, with the most recent trip he wanted to take him for all of Christmas and New Year. And maybe people will jump on me but I felt sad not to do Christmas with my child 🤷🏻‍♀️ as he also wouldn’t get the gifts etc from father and all that, and not sure though I’m sure one of his siblings would wrap something up.
And that he can organise when it suits him, otherwise I had many holidays where he messed about.
Probably history and a few other things played in to it. And then worrying about if it snowed badly there, safety. You are stuck in, you aren’t getting to a hospital etc you need to be driven etc.
Okay people have been okay but that’s because nothing happened.
They also drive differently there I am aware people don’t wear seatbelts etc.

Then maybe selfish but trip would end, and then I would be left with the situation to deal with, of a child who has been all over the place which is great to experience, and slept late every day, think also lots visiting so many all sleeping in with one another.
And deal with the rubbish part of getting him back to school, where as Dad would have his feet up the next day.
Because of the weather he doesn’t always have work, but most guys in that field seem to have work. Then no money because of that, and then because that’s how it is when he goes over there. Without including the rest of the time and how things looks monetary wise, not saying he doesn’t pay anything but not as it should be.

Am I right you have no tv at home or broadband? Is that a decision to avoid screens? Not ideal maybe but my opinion is, when a kid is struggling with regular transitions between parents homes, a bit of screen time could be really helpful for them to wind down. Also no sofa, maybe you are pushed for space, but it could be worth making a comfy area for him to sit even if on bed with cushions around to help him not get so distressed when coming back to yours on Sundays.
Also, yes you know what good co-parenting should be, and he’s not listening to you and doing it. It’s probably part of the reason he’s your ex. No one can make him do it. People here are not accepting of the other parents bad parenting, just pragmatic. At least he’s seeing him regularly and his son is having fun with him and wants to go. It’s not enough but it’s more than some kids have.

One of your issues is that your set up naturally means the majority of the fun activities happen elsewhere. Unless you start having weekends too this won't change.

You are criticising your ex for not doing enough parenting. But then don't want to be a parent at the longest parts - weekends??

Also - you are being very elusive about the social services issues. You won't get balanced or informed views if you don't explain why your ex wasn't allowed contact.

This is a very odd thread.

Does DS have some additional needs or developmental delays?

An 8 yo having a day out on a Saturday really shouldn't be causing this level of distress to him, and whilst the bedtimes are not ideal he should be able to adjust. It sounds more like your anxiety is causing him to be anxious.

It's not surprising that DS was upset that you prevented him from going on holiday with his Dad. Having so much anxiety about a child sleeping in late in the Christmas holidays is very strange.

I'm also wondering why DS has so much homework on the weekend. We don't do much homework on the weekend; anything DD gets we do it on the day she gets it, although we do read almost every day.

And you not having any weekends with DS is unusual too, especially since one of them he spends with GPs. When are you actually spending quality time with him?

Well you might find it all unusual, plenty of others didn’t they were either swaying one way or the other.

In regards to additional needs he did have an Autism assessment but there wasn’t a firm yes or a no. As for anything else he has not been assessed. But then if he does have any then it wouldn’t be unusual would it, if any of his reaction is the way it is.
It wasn’t just a day out, they visited from the night before, so everyone all in the same room 6 people including kids.
Late night and then up and out all day, another late night, and then our Sunday, after a week at school. I would be wiped out too.
And then there are parts others are telling me are normal/to be expected.

It’s not that DS has so much homework. It was the fact that it should be possible for the other parent to engage in it, as otherwise if it’s counted as not a time to do it, they just don’t have to do everything else too then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know of many who do every weekend, in fact one guy who only suggested the mum might like a weekend with their DD, and that was only because he got himself a gf.
Others I know do every other weekend because of distance, like 2/3 hours away.

We do have some weekends from time to time, and also holidays.

That’s right, monetary wise it’s cheaper too. I mean more so without broadband. Not to avoid screens. My DS has a pad.
Yes space wise it’s difficult as I say, it’s a kitchen/sitting room. Sometimes he likes to go on my bed with his soft toys and mess around so he does that.

Yes I agree on the not ignoring what should be being done, but looking forward too, because otherwise it just goes around and around.
But in the future it will be less negotiable like someone said, with Secondary school etc and work and sleep.

Yes I often look around me at others situations father is not even involved/years gone by not seen child, disgraceful. So it does make things seem better, but at the same time we should not pat men on the back for doing only what they should be, and not even the full work load.

I’m assuming you don’t think all weekends are bad, to have a break, just not all of course

I’m not being elusive it was not the main point of the thread. It doesn’t go hand in hand, like ne saying for example DS only allowed to see ex one day a month etc. That wasn’t the point of the post. Knowing that doesn’t change the bed time routines.

You're very good at avoiding answering questions 😂

You not having DS at weekends means you miss out on the fun stuff

could it be that he goes to dad Fri and returns to you Sunday at 10am so you have a day of fun and then decent bedtime back for school

same with parents. Why does he need to be there all weekend

and maybe during the week the dad come to you and do something with DS after school and tea and spends a few hours but sleeps at yours so doesn’t have the 2bus and hour journey before school and ex travel home alone on bus at 7/8pm back to his

i said before I take it neither of you drive /have cars - maybe something to consider so it isn’t a 2bus /hour journey

I've never heard of a Mum having no weekends with their child, even less so when the grandparents get a weekend.

Why is 6 people in one room such a big issue? You do realise that most 8 yos spend every day in a room with 29 other kids and 1-3 adults and they do not cry for 2 hours.

The way you describe DS is like a fragile creature who can't cope with completely normal childhood experiences, so he is meeting your expectations of him.

You've also set up roles where any 8 yo is obviously going to favour one house over the other. You're the one who makes him go to bed early and do his homework, refuses to let him go on holiday, and gets into a lather about there being 6 people in a room, but never spends a weekend doing something fun with him to balance any of that. Dad is the one who never gets to do a school run or experience the day-to-day routine of family life so he's throwing himself into being the weekend fun Dad and feeling no need to take any responsibility for what goes on Monday-Friday.

If you follow, I was talking about 6 being in a room to sleep, and they went late to sleep and then out for both days.
If there are background issues then I am sure this would add to some of what DS experiences.

I’m sorry I appreciate your idea. But i can’t understand how someone can suggest ex partner coming to mine and sleeping over etc etc, I think we should do a poll and see how many would choose that lol.

I won’t be learning to drive not sure if ex ever will.

Not at all, the post was not about let’s have a chat about SS, it was about as it says. It only came up because someone asked about how the weekend at grandparents came in to it, and I explained further.

When my son was small his dad lived 100 miles away and stayed over on the sofa. If the separation was amicable there’s no reason why not.

No you misunderstand

ex comes over after school. Takes son out. So sees him an extra time

they do stuff

son stays at yours. Ex gets bus home alone for an hour

so DS at yours for school next day

Oh so sorry yes I just read it back, long day 🤦‍♀️ tired eyes.
Yes it might be something to do from time to time.