What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

I think tiredness is a bit of a red herring.

Its perfectly natural for dc to struggle with he transition between two houses even if you both had same routine and set up. If you think dc has some separation anxiety perhaps its time for a therapist to work with dc to see if that helps.

When he gets back id get him changed, get into bed and watch a movie together. If he drops off great. If not might help.

I thought this website had some good tips
https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/blog/how-respond-when-your-child-wants-their-other-parent

I think your nearly 8 son who has been on this schedule is probably tired from fun weekends on Sunday and misses his dad. I think you are being unreasonable to want to change it now.

It’s a relatively short window in his life where he’s under 13 and in school and likely disregulated by your home situation and your DH’s illness (did I get that right?).

like others have said, make Sunday nights easy for him, dinner waiting, pjs clean, school stuff sorted. And then eat and read together before early bed. Maybe pick a longer book that only gets read on Sundays

I got the impression it is a kind of studio flat so one room for living eating sleeping prob with kitchenette in there too.
Not a one bed flat.

Then poor kid def isn’t going to get much sleep

Maybe use your imagination, step outside your bubble, and check your privilege. Someone having to live in one room, is unlikely to be able to just pop out and buy a sofa bed.

OP herself has housing issues, and doesn't have a sofa or a TV. Just a table and dining chairs. So all this talk of greeting her son and relaxing together in fresh PJs and watching TV etc is pointless. There's no TV and no sofa to relax on.

It sounds like both parents are doing what they can within their time frames, their housing situations, and their ability.

OP needs some help with her own anxiety, and with managing her son's distress. I'm hoping that she has a local children's centre or parenting classes to support her.

It sounds tough all round. But the good thing is that her son is having fun at the weekends, and loves both of his parents.

Thankyou that’s lovely of you.

No i don’t think his father should be in a room, I’m not sure if there is confusion, but a room is like when you are in a flat/house share.
Personally the only thing I can say is that if it were me, on what I earnt in previous work full time, I couldn’t get a one bed flat even, my salary would not be enough.
Am I under the wrong impression that perhaps all separated fathers have minimum a full one bed flat. Not that I know of.
I do not excuse him but it costs alot.
So to say why a one bed flat only kind of thing. Does anyone realise in certain parts of the country it’s £1800-2000 a month for a 2 bed.
Yes if he did more with himself then he could have achieved a lot more.
Especially as he has had all those years to work free as a bird at least 5 days a week. But that’s another story.

Basically with mine, the way some flats are done, you don’t have space to put in 2 bedrooms then a living then a bathroom and a kitchen. So hence the kitchen/sitting room.

I didn’t move in with a TV and then when I realised there was no aerial, i couldn’t be bothered to be honest, I had other things to worry about.

My home situation? What home situation. What DH have I got with an illness 🤦‍♀️😀 I’m lost, I don’t have a DH.

They’d been to school all week, then family turned up probably around 9pm from a few hours away, all in one room too much stimulation. To add they have met many times and DS has stayed at theirs, but still. Then there have been a few upsets with DS and their son who is around 9 going on 10 I think.
So he’s going to bed at a set time in the week and earlier in comparison.
Then at the time he would be asleep relatives are turning up to all sleep in one room.
Then all up and out the next day to go for day out walking around, not sure when they got back home. But then another late night and on top of tiredness. Then Sunday did whatever then for birthday dinner for relatives youngest which finished not long before DS came home.

Did you read anything properly 🤦‍♀️ why do people assume everything is all bad or something the individual did, think outside the box a little as to what things can be.

You’ve obviously not had Mediation or know about it. No back story on parenting ability thanks. No it doesn’t go to court it depends on the circumstances.
That might be if you are forced to agree to that, not sure.

Who says poor kid when children’s services are there to help too.
And despite the improvements I thought we had made as a society, there seems to be alot of hate for those with MH, am I getting that right.

🤦‍♀️🤣 Omg you really think that is it, so one room in the other house is living it up, because we have no sofa or television 🤦‍♀️ I have a kitchen sitting room in my flat if that helps. And when I moved in I had a lot more to worry about than a television.
There was no aerial, I wasn’t going to rush to get one put there or pay out for broadband.

Lovely idea thankyou for the suggestion. Unfortunately we don’t have a sofa as I have. Kitchen/living kind of room. No television either, as there is no aerial, I rent and could well have to leave now. I will have to think up other options.

She did refer me to MIND but this was mainly to do with housing

That read as a ‘home situation’ to me. And yes you got me I made a typo… that should have been DF or father .

Yes sorry i thought you were crying, i must have read your post wrong.

I think your DS is crying because he misses his dad. I dont think 3 weekends a month is a lot - i don't think its enough time with his dad. 6 days out of 31 is pretty poor given the courts will now go 50-50 in the absence of violence.

I also don't think a couple of late nights is out of the ordinary at the weekend, it wont make them so tired as to be affected for days on end. My kids have sleepovers at their friends and they really get about 3 hrs sleep when they do that but next day they are bright as a pin - it doesn't seem affect any of them.

Yes I thought it might have been a mix up somewhere.

Believe me the ex would not worry about having 50/50 if they can’t be bothered to do homework etc even.

With all due respect it’s not a couple of late nights, and the rest of the time good and organised.
It’s random times, so every week that adds up.

I get that re: sleepovers as I imagine the kids are too excited but they are not happening all the time are they.

My DS doesn’t know about housing issues, so between that and the having no aerial I’m not sure what makes you think those things would affect DS not wanting to come home.

Even with the error of DH and meant to be DF what illness are you referring to?

So if someone is suffering stress or anxiety and things make it worse, you think they shouldn’t get help, okay and then when people see all these situations happening with kids/families and say oh they should have got help lol.

It depends what works for you.

A parent should be doing a bit of parenting, even if that is only at weekends because that’s how it generally is when you are separated.

Four days in the week for example, if child goes to parent on a Friday-Sunday. Is also quite tough trying to cram all homework in to it. Especially when they have been at school all day.

DS didn’t feed off any negativity, I was calm and reassuring, and tried to get him to tell me about what he did over the weekend to tell me the bits he enjoyed.

I think if you are organised which I don’t see why exP can’t be just for those days. It is possible to have a routine, and then in to bed.
And ex sit quietly or go to kitchen etc.
But as they are both up anyway, going by the times I have heard/known about, it’s hardly like one would then be waiting on the other to go to bed.

P.s with mediation they don’t tell you your kid needs to not be with you every weekend absolutely ridiculous comment.

Thankyou for your reply. And an insight in to what your situation is, so you have had both sides of things with overnights and now not. Yes I can relate to what you say about DC returning with big feelings. I know some of it is that.
In regards to seeing friends do you mean over the weekend, he made a friend who lives next door to his father so he enjoys playing with him at the weekends, when they do. Birthday parties, when DS gets invited(I wouldn’t necessarily go to all) then because families usually do a party at the weekend, as this usually falls in his fathers time, I will let him know, and then he has taken him, I still do a card and gift, because ex will not, and if he got something he will not wrap it 🤦‍♀️ kind of forcing me to do it. But we are separated and I would do something from DS/our side anyway.

But yes I agree with you and another person who said about the conversation as to what happens as DS grows up.

God knows what exes plans are, not very much I doubt. So as things move along we will have to shape and adapt things accordingly.

When you said about being another advocate for every other weekend, so I get fun chilled time, you mean with and without child I assume.

Sorry cut off my reply too quickly.

I loved that how you put it ‘the grunt work’ 😀 yes sounds about right.

When you say downtime to enjoy do you mean with and without DS at weekends.

As is known up until now, then I have had weekends to myself.

Thankyou for your reply which is very helpful, yes these are all things to think about going forward. Things will change for DS and things around him will need to too.
I have already said this to Ex about getting older, school becoming tougher/home work etc.

Also yes I am shocked at some of the comments that it seems to have become the norm that this is just how weekends are, no they aren’t. It’s just what alot of people have heard or experienced personally. Or maybe what some have accepted.
Which to an extent I have because it’s carried on.

There has to be some continuity between the week days and the weekends.
I can’t believe someone said that they don’t blame ex if he doesn’t want to do homework when it’s his time, if that’s the only time he gets. That is not it at all, he isn’t interested/doesn’t want to do it. I don’t need to see and hear everything to know that.
If a parent cannot sit down with their child and listen to them read etc, and write a few words in a comment book. That says it all.

He just thinks I will do it all, and wants me to have more on my plate, believe me. Because he just thinks I will get it done, or deal with things. And whether that comes with stress or strain or not.

That’s interesting you say you have had 50/50 since child was aged 3. But all of these things never happened with DC’s other parent, that is sad. And bless your DC for having to take their self to bed etc and deal with some of it.

Yes my DC knows daddy will not write in my comment book. He is never really reminded to go online and do some maths homework. I would have to tell ex.

When he had him in one of the holidays they had maths, I had to tell him because he would be away so needed to be finished. That DS has homework. This is what he likes for me to have to do it all. Then there are times I have said things and it’s still not done anyway. Like for example the book reading, that was explained from the beginning of school onwards.
He just looked at me with that face I know, that basically he will not do it. And he never has.
I have said to him when talking about bed time routine, that when DS gets in bed he could then read like he does at home, but it obviously doesn’t happen.
I have said to DS if you read tell DF to write it, but whether he does or doesn’t either way clearly nothing in the book.

Yeah so you get a weekend to spend with your son so that all your time with him isn’t routine based - the stuff that Dad does now that 8 years olds love! Sleepovers in the living room, movies, no homework etc. And then a weekend where you can do your own thing. Dad does need to step up midweek then though as 2 nights a fortnight isn’t enough.

Unless I've missed it, you haven't answered my question about whether you work at weekends.

There's been no explanation for your child going to his father the weekend a month and to his grandparents the other weekend.

I get the impression she'd rather have all weekends to herself, without her son? Which seems odd to me.