Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

Does it have to be one extreme or the other? Could he find a part time job working school hours or flexibly?

Perhaps as a compromise he could do a less stressful part time role, maybe one that’s term time? If he does give up work, set the boundaries from the get go, that he needs to organise the housework each day so it doesn’t mount up. I know my OH would be playing computer games all day. If he gives up work you may be entitled to universal credit so may be worth looking at those online calculators to check eligibility

Women give up work all the time so why shouldn't a man

I have done this but our husbands sound quite different.

He did all the activities, hobbies, driving around, day to day household running, cooking, cleaning and he looked after me, LO and the animals full time-essentially functioning as a SAHM. The housework was always done, dinner was always prepped, the house felt calm and it was nice.

If there was any concerns about him being sat gaming all day, or being lazy, it wouldn’t have been an option.

you should 'let' him do whatever he wants.....

I'd agree with this - why does it have to be all or nothing? Is there no part time or flexi / WFH option?

If you'd be OK financially then it's not a bad idea, but if you need a bit more headroom in terms of a wage coming in then why not look at other options?

I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.

What do you mean not the best cleaner? Is he one of those people who conveniently claim they can’t see mess? Does he currently cook proper meals, do laundry, know which is PE day, what size feet the kids have etc? If not I’d be extremely pessimistic about him doing a good job of taking over all of that.

He’s not a single man. He’s married with children and has responsibilities that need to be met in one way or another.

I think you would need to sit down and lay out your expectations of what you are thinking he will take on. I was a sahm and equally Dh would have also been a great sahd because he can cook, clean, menu plan and is great at supermarket shopping. He would hoover, do landry, whatever needed doing. This might be the sticking point for your Dh.

Yes there will be time in the day for your Dh to have downtime but your expectation would be, and rightly so, that he is available for the children when they are home from school, not gaming. I did all housework in school hours weekdays only so no housework on weekends. I meal planned, made all dinners, Dh made packed lunches and he did all meals on the weekend because he loves to cook.

Cleaning wise, give your Dh a crash course now. He should take over that to see if this will be a massive issue and build contempt if it is half arsed.

This is the conventional sahm problem in reverse in a way - how the husband starts to resent the wife at home and downplays her contribution, and you also miss the extra pressure you will face to keep your job, do well in your job

given what you have described / can your husband find a part time role that helps reduce the pressure you both face without him losing touch with the working world

being a sahp when kids are at school is vastly different to when they are babies

Sorry, you weren’t replying to me, but no. Imagine funding a man to stay at home playing fifa all day. Not in this life.

IMO if you want to do ‘whatever you want’ file for divorce.

i wouldn’t suggest anyone give up work. reduce hours yes. term time working yes. stop working and become a slob no.

he needs to do something. be productive. he needs to think about what he likes and what he wants to do with his life.

if he could wfh or choose his own hours it could solve childcare issues.

Agreed. We read often on here about cocklodgers. Where the man isn’t working and the woman is. Ok so far so whatever. But then time and again we see even when the man is a SAHD, he does very little housework and cooking, often just gaming or doing his ‘hobbies’ (watching porn?). Whilst the woman works FT and ends up doing the housework too.

Obv that doesn’t always happen but more often than not it seems.

Sounds like in your case it’s a possibility..

Maybe another job? Why does he need to not work? He could try a new job maybe..

I agree with PP. Could he find part time work, wfh, term time?

Do your DC have many appointments, days off school etc?

😅 life with a family really doesn't work like that.

I'd suggest part-time given OPscomment about his cleaning abilities otherwise she'll find herself doing the lions share. A sensible discussion is needed.

I think it’s a bad idea. If he isn’t someone that pulls his weight without being reminded then it’s going to be a problem. Also if he’s moody because of work then I can’t imagine getting him to do stuff at home is going to be easy. Is he going to do the bulk of household stuff and mental admin of the kids stuff, cook and really make life easier for everyone including you?
if not then I would not go this route. Can’t he do something PT?

Why does he need your permission, OP? Ideally the two of you would agree, but it's really not the case that you decide and "let" him.

Fine, if the family budget can stretch to it, but that does not seem to be the case here.

I agree with this .
Also giving up car , will your family & you not be at a huge disadvantage??
I just know I’d be lost without a car for the kids & me .
Mentally aswel it is good for your husband to be going out the door to work , like pp said , part time is the route I’d be going down .
Sorry to hear he hates his new job , you need to be happy in your work environment so I’d def be getting out of there .
Hope everything works out OP 🤞

Does he want to not work? Is this something he has raised or just something you’re thinking?

Can you afford to keep paying into a pension for him? If I were him I would be worried about being reliant on someone in case anything by were to happen.

If he’s ’not the best’ at cleaning, then he could look for a part time job in order to pay for a cleaner. That’s what I’d do, I hate cleaning!!

Can you not find a middle ground where he goes part time?

either way he needs to understand that by not working as many hours he needs to be picking up the slack at home for this to work for everyone.

True but a woman normally takes on 100% or close to the housework. It’s a rare woman who just sits playing computer games all day.

OP if he’s all in on doing the house and childcare then why not.

You could try it for a short time and see how it works?

I was the higher earner and DH could have worked PT or have been a SAHD but it wouldn't have suited him as he likes his job and needs the structure of work.