Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

Can't he just find another job? Or a part time one? It doesn't sounds sustainable if it's going to significant impact your lifestyle (no big holidays would be a no from me) and put lots of pressure to earn. The situation would be different if you earned vastly more than him or a large amount which can easily sustain your family's currently lifestyle. Also if he's a professional, he's going to lose his earning capacity fast if he's out of work for a few years, and the kids don't need him for ages. Will he be ok taking on a much less prestigious job?

Well they shouldn't if it's not a mutual agreement and the man is going to get resentful.

Exactly. If this man was a functional adult, it would be one thing. He clearly is not and the OP would be very foolish to entertain this idea. You'd never get that genie back in the bottle.

Oh and I should add that SEN kids who cope with primary often become SEN kids who don't cope with secondary. Mine was fine at primary school and is now enrolled in online school from home (which both DP and I both have to facilitate now and then - he is regularly tech support). A SAHP is great for allowing flexibility and covering emergencies. Dog is sick - emergency vet appointment needed, kid is sick - someone always home to dole out paracetamol, glasses broke, car is making a funny noise, dishawasher flooded the kitchen.. As a household full of neurodivergence we seem to have a weekly crisis that can only be fixed by someone taking time off work to do something. My job is pretty flexible but having DP around all the time means I can concentrate and I don't need to keep taking time off to deal with our disaster of the week.

Personally, I think it’s always valuable to keep one foot in the door re working. I think any career breaks can make getting back into work harder. People often lose a bit of confidence and with tech accelerating the way it is, it’s easy to get ‘out of date’ in terms of necessary skills.

Also, if he wouldn’t be good at picking up the slack at home eg keeping on top of housework etc… then I think resentment is a real likelihood and could cause damage to your relationship.

Could he not find a part time job that worked within school hours? Or term time position? It would lessen the financial hit, but you’d still gain some of your pros like not needing before or after school clubs.

Personally I think a more sensible position would be for him to take a less stressful job, go part-time or do something lower paid that he is passionate about.

Giving up altogether is a bad idea

There has to be middle ground

And you need to be sure that he hold up his end of the bargain By covering all the tricky things pick up sickness, etc, if you are working and being the main breadwinner.

If you’ve any doubts that you wouldn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be encouraging in your position

That said it’s his decision, not yours Although it clearly impacts you with regard to the car, future pensions and other things.

I hope you’ve got a good communication between the two of you

Because they take everything else on

the life admin the cleaning the children getting too and from school all of that stuff

they don’t sit around playing games and leaving it all to their partner

things can and should be 50/50 once everything is in the pot and for some (we are one) having one full time and the other part time and taking on more works. For some one not working works

but the workload is still evenly split here would it be OP

I'd be more keen to encourage him to find a job he likes... even if that involves taking some time out to retrain/ work out what he wants to do etc... than just give up work. If he's going to be gaming all day that isn't going to be good for his mental or physical health either, and things can spiral from there.

They don't usually game all day...

It seems like a good idea - you are struggling to manage it all, you can manage without the income. He would then of course take over any running around after kids, all the mental load, majority of housework etc etc and would make your life as a family a lot easier and less stressful.

However, the sentence that he's really not the best cleaner and would just be gaming means I will vote absolutely NOT.
You will come home after a long day and stress of being the sole earner, house a mess and the gamer husband sitting there asking what you will cook for dinner and why are you so grumpy, you should just make him a list.

To add, how good is he at dealing with the SEN stuff? Becuase, speaking from experience, the SEN stuff doesn't necessarily get easier as the DC get older. I spent a LOT of time managing DS (relatively low level) SEN when he went to high school and I'm having to allocate quite a lot of time to supporting him as he starts prepping for GCSEs now.

Ironically, at this point, there is no way I'd support DH being a full time SAHD again as he's really really bad at this stuff (most likely SEN himself). But if your DH is okay at it, then having him around as the children get a bit older and their school needs get more complicated, could be very helpful.

For example, the scaffolding DS needed in the mornings and, to a lesser extent, afternoons was quite significant for at least the first 18 months of secondary and, to a lesser extent still today. DH has just never understood that - because to quite honest, that scaffolding I put in place for DS would actually be helpful for him too!

So he was brilliant when DS was young and needed the right level of engagement etc - but this bit he finds harder. Because of DH's own SEN, he goes to the meetings at school and is 100% engaged.... but frankly, none of that translates into useful action that can be applied to supporting DS at home. This is not weaponised incompetence - its' the same reason he HATED the job he was doing when the DC were little and why he was really bad at it. He simply does not have these skills. Retraining to something that actually works with his skill set was a huge confidence boost for him.

Imagine if a man were to write on this site using the word 'let' in relation to his wife's life!

actually, I disagree. whiel the word "let" is a bit problematic, I've seen loads of threads where a woman comes on to say she wants to be a SAHM or work part time but her DH isn't keen and she usually gets lots of responses to say that this needs to be a family decision and everyone needs to be happy with the roles and responsibilities and financial impact that results.

I think a lot of people are comfortable with the idea that one parent working part time or not working at all has significant family benefits, but I think we've all moved on from thinking that women can just happily skip away from financial responsibilities without a thought.

Yes, it isn’t a case of “let”. I wouldn’t be happy for my DH to have stopped working in those circumstances. It doesn’t make sense.

I allowed my DH to be a SAHP, if it was the other way around he would have to allow me to do it by agreeing to pay for me.

You can’t just decide to stop working and put all the financial responsibility on the other person without them agreeing to it.

I think the title is going to distract people from the point - of course everyone has free will but these two people entered into a marriage and children and have bills and such so it has to be a discussion.

In short I agree with the first few - why not a part-time job? Keep the pension topped up, ensure he isn't just playing video games all day (absolutely not!) but a different pace of life. Could he go part-time where he is or move into something else?

I think a non-working parent is a privilege nowadays so alternatively could you get a better paid job?

well bills need to be paid, so if one partner wants to stay home and be without income, there must be someone who agrees to pay for it and let the first one do as they wanted.

You will resent it. I say this as someone who had a stay at home husband for a couple of years - it looked good on paper but was horrible in reality.

If he’s the lazy type to sit around gaming all day and you have to pick up the slack, and end up splitting up over it (we nearly did), think about how a divorce would look in terms of custody issues/splitting marital assets, especially as he’d have been dependent on you and “sacrificed his career/pension” to provide childcare.

We are doing this temporarily (between 6 months to a year) when we move back to our home country later this year. This will give DH time to renew his working accreditations, and also avoid having 2 DC in daycare, which we can't afford.

I've made it VERY clear that he will be primarily responsible for things related to the house. Laundry, cleaning, dinners, school lunches, school runs, uniforms etc. There will be a 4 year old and 2 year old at home, so I also understand how time consuming that will be. However, I expect him to take care of most aspects of the house, just as I did when I stayed home with the babies when they were newborn and 1.5 years old.

At the moment, house-related things are shared equally (we both work full time), and he is proactive and does his fair share. I'm not worried about him being lazy, or having to come home from a long commute at 6pm with nothing in the fridge and nothing planned for dinner. If there was even a hint that he'd be 'playing his games' for most of the day, no way would I ever accept this arrangement.

So, OP, I would only do this if your DH has proven that he is proactive and contributes to the household. Otherwise, you'll find yourself with a full-time job, and taking care of the house full-time, and your marriage won't survive the resentment.

@Mummyof22018 "So I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day"

If this means that you will come home having been to work - and he hasn't done the housework, then it would be a hard 'no'.

Better idea would be for him to find a new job that he likes....

When I gave up my job it was on the basis I do the school run, cook dinners and do all the household chores. My husband maintained the gardens, cars, diy and emptying the bin. It worked well for us. But I would sit down and talk with him regarding his expectations. If he just does the school run then sits down all day the you’re going to become resentful. A better option would be for him to work part time around the kids. Perhaps try a garden centre, TA at the kids school etc.

My suggestion is - if he is eligible for Carer's Allowance (do either of the kids get DLA at mid-rate or above?) he could be the registered carer and get his NI credits and £80ish a week. Then on top of that he could try to find a small part-time job , even a few hours a week, during school hours. Self worth, a bit of interest, and the extra money would be handy. It could work very well for the family. He should try to take on the burden of admin/ appointments/ food and cooking though.

I feel the same if it were a woman.

Id be concerned about the lack of pension and that this could delay retirement or make things difficult in retirement.