Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.

In that case, no,

Yes, and looking after kids (and OP says hers have additional needs) and doing most of the house work/ the life admin is not nothing.
Obviously some SAH parents do more than others, but what would it cost to pay someone to do the amount of childcare/cleaning/executive assistant jobs that they do? I'm sure I'm not the only parent who admits my job is usually easier than parenting (much as I do love it, honestly!)

I think sitting down to discuss the option would be a good idea. The Pros / Cons as well as what his role would be. My DH and I did this when our youngest started reception and our eldest was still in primary as we were both working FT and were exhausted. We put a time limit on it - enough to make a difference to my career and our family life but not so that he would be out of the jobs market too long, get complacent or mean living on one salary long term. We did it for 3 years, allowed me to get a major promotion, settled kids in and now he is back full time. I made sure he started job hunting a few months before the 3 years were up. It did mean we gave up certain things eg holidays but the kids loved having him around, they were able to do after school activities outside of school and we ate better / exercised more. He did have ‘me time’ so played sports twice a week. Good luck!

How old is your husband? My worry would be that he may find it hard to reenter the employment market.

How long has he been in this role? Can he apply for a step down elsewhere and then put in a flexible working request?

The old adage that it's easier to get a job from a job is still true. As many a SAHM will report, it can dent your confidence in applying as your skills date.

I've known people do this successfully but they are all quite driven and it's very much planned time out. If that isn't your DH then tread carefully.

I do think he should be looking for alternatives to a job he hates though.

I think part time would be a good compromise. Dp did this when our dc were younger.

The answer is that he needs to find another job he can tolerate or a part time one/condensed hours.
Statistics show that when a man is the SAHP he will do even less in the home and actually you as the female bread winner will end up doing more.

Well is he on the ball with kids routines and says he wishes he could be there more?
Dies pick ups drop 9ffs etc? Plans and cooks meals?
If you go away for a week is he on top of everything?
Is he likely to be more stressed and just play games all day? Or would he step up as sahp?

will you end up his manager at domestic level?

Can you get another car?

If he was an equal, engaged, competent partner who pulled his weight in every aspect - I'd consider it.

A bloke you suspect will spend most of his time gaming - fuck that!

As long as he wouldn't be leaving me to come home to everything I'd do this in a heartbeat, though it sounds like you think you might be in that position. We both work FT with a 2 & 4 year old. I've never been so stressed with trying to juggle everything, and now one is in school and the other nursery we've got a couple of years of drop offs in different places. There aren't enough hours in the day, and though my manager is good I hate asking for things all the time. Currently DS2 is in a cast after an operation and nursery won't have him 🙃. Unfortunately we're in nowhere near the same position with the mortgage.

Why can't he look for term time role or part time work?

We are in a similar position as my DH was made redundant last year. He has savings, we have fairly low outgoings and I work full time. He is setting up a business so that takes up some of his time, and keeps up his professional skills, but he's definitely doing a lot more in terms of school runs, holidays etc.

Obviously the financial uncertainty is tricky, but I'm terms of quality of life it is so much better for us. My DH doesn't do much cleaning, but does food shopping, most cooking, plus DIY jobs so that feels ok. I feel so much less stressed not having to rush home from work for school runs etc, and my child is doing less wraparound care which he seems happier with. If his business could take off enough for us to continue this way I think it would be great for our family.

I know you also say about spending time gaming. My DH does spend time on hobbies, and is doing that more than he's been able to do for years. But most SAHMs with school age children I know go to the gym, coffees etc so I don't think it's that different. I do my hobby outside of school hours and he supports that, so it's not an issue.

I think you need a frank conversation about how if he leaves work, the house and the kids will be his job and you won't be expecting to come home to clean the house and make the dinner. Being a SAHD is still work and if he isn't planning to do it it's not an option.

A pound to a penny, he gives up work and does not pull his weight on the home front. You'll be coming home from work to find the dishes piled high and nothing done and listening to him complaining about how hard and boring it all is.

Have a halfway house, he goes part time and demonstrates his willingness to do his share at home and see how that goes.

I think this is a terrible idea. This is not a good time for someone to just stop working and depend on one income. You're also losing a very convenient transportation option and losing pension contributions is going to hit you later when you will need that.

If you get sick, need surgery, or lose your job, you're fucked.

And this is telling

I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.

He'll be gaming and leave you with everything he possibly can. I wouldn't support a man to sit home and game.

He's also likely to get used to not working and not want to work if necessary. He'll lose job skills and fall behind and be less hireable.

Also, if your marriage ended you'd likely end up paying him child support.

You say his stress affects everyone in the house currently. That sounds like he needs to learn stress management techniques, not quit his job.

Because she’ll be the one agreeing to take over all financial responsibility for the family.

Wow. I'm not dumb, or playing dumb. I said quite clearly, if they go ahead with this, her husband needs to pick up the slack at home. Is he capable of doing so? Of course he is, whether he will want to or not is another matter. You are right to say that no grown adult should be sitting around the house when there is housework to be done. Where we (possibly) disagree is that I don't believe that it is a foregone conclusion that a SAHD will do very little, do the bare minimum or that the working wife will have to do everything. In OPs case, she mentions he doesn't clean well - he can improve. She hasn't said that he does nothing around the house or games all day, she just says she imagines that might be the case. You said that you know many lazy incapable men, I don't. I know some of course, some who take the piss, weaponise their incompetence and have partners who accept it and martyr themselves in the process. But I also know plenty of men who do not, or who tried it once and got short thrift and never tried it again - for example my dad, brother, BIL, best friends husband, DS best friends dad, my neighbour, DS coach etc. All have been SAHD at some point for different reasons and all did what they needed to. Even my ex, who has turned out to be a deadbeat since we split up, it really pains me to admit it, that when I worked and he stayed at home with our son he did everything, didn't need prompting or handholding, he just got on with it. I don't think these men are the exception, its just that nobody posts about them. A bit like MILs - nobody starts a thread about the good ones.

Because as she said he will play games all day so not only is she working full time but still has to do all the cleaning etc while he sits on his arse. If he was going to pick up all house duties id say fair enough!

I wouldn’t put yourself in a difficult position financially, I think you will regret it.

It is. If one partner wishes the other to be the sole financial provider for the family, the person doing the earning has to agree. There's no indication of any other income source here, and he might not even qualify for Carers Allowance either.

This point gets made often on here to women who've been a SAHP and whose partners want them to go back. It's not going to happen without the permission of the person who you want to pay the bills.

Equally, OP could not unilaterally decree that DH was going to be a SAHP. But if he's already on board, it actually is up to her to decide whether it happens or not.

One of my colleagues let her husband quit his disliked job to be a house husband for a few year while their children were small. The "children" are now at university and at last hearing he's still at home. He was hopeless at cooking so she did most of that when he got home and his parenting tended to regular hissy fits with the children. He was in IT and I imagine his skills are now totally outdated and there is a yawning chasm in his cv. She has totally supported them finacially in a quite stressful job and really, a Labrador would have added more to the family than he did and been cheaper to feed and at least it was bred to be a working dog. Don't make her mistake.

Yes

inhabe always told my husband I would rather be poor than him being a job he really hates. Purely because I love him and I want him to be happy. I’ve been in a. Job I hated and I was literally suicidal in the end. Not worth it for the money.

I would stay working till they are near the end of primary. At that point all the holiday clubs disappear and so does after school support and secondary is significantly more challenging for "OK in mainstream" neurodivergent kids. One of you will probably have to give up work at that point anyway.

I did it. It was a disaster. My view is that it will almost certainly change your relationship for the worse, & may well end it.

I’m sorry, but I am old enough to be honest here.

It doesn’t matter what we are told about new gender roles etc. The fact is that the vast majority of women are sexually attracted to men they perceive as strong / protective / leaders / masculine. Unless you already know that this is not the case for you - ie unless you already know that you are sexually attracted to men who you perceive as weaker than you - taking this step will likely end your sexual relationship with your husband.

Drippy men are not attractive, & at some level beyond reason and will, the sad fact is that stay at home men are coded by the vast majority of women as drippy.

Plus - a completely different point- my experience was that my kids were somewhat marginalised at primary school as a lot of the social life was organised by mothers on the basis of wanting to spend time with other mothers. Mothers did not want to spend time with a dad in the same way, so my kids were often excluded from play dates, outings etc. I feel strongly that they were disadvantaged by this.

I would recommend strongly against this.

No. You’ll do everything, it will kill your health and your sex life and your joie de vivre and then you’ll divorce and he still won’t work and you’ll lose your kids and pay maintenance and work just as hard in a shitty flat.

Also, please bear in mind that if you do this & then want to spilt up, he will likely be the one keeping the kids. He will be the ‘default residency’ parent as he will be the main carer & the expectation will be that you’ll be paying for him to stay at home.

I was told by two sets of solicitors that if I tried to leave my stay at home male partner, I would lose both kids and house. So I was stuck paying the bills in a relationship I hated, until I could persuade the ‘stay at home dad’ to split custody and house voluntarily.

This was 10 years ago now but I’m not sure how much things have changed. Be very, very cautious here.