Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

Because all too often they don’t pick up the strain of housework, childcare, caring for elderly relatives, adjusting to manage on a shoestring budget.

Terrible idea - the effect on his pension, you know he'll spend all day gaming and won't clean, and you'd struggle to find other work if you got made redundant. Any one of those would be a no if I was in your shoes.
So he hates his job - big woop, we've all been there at some point. He finds another.

Jesus. no.
Kids just get more and more expensive as they grow up. And he doesn't sound very well suited to the job of stay at home Dad

And what if you lost your job? It puts too much pressure on you. It would jeopardise your comfortable retirement. It would reduce your standard of living.

I would just tell him he needs to look for another job if he doesn't like the one he has.

In my opinion, SAHPs need a lot of self motivation and initiative. Someone who would spend their days sitting on the sofa if they don't have a 'manager' supervising them, is not SAHD material.

Can you both try part time instead of one parent carrying the full burden? Saves the resentment and also gives you both a break. Could he keep his company car if he went part time?

So why do women put up with these useless men?

they can do all of these things, they choose not to.

dh cared for both his parents in their old age. His sister was worse than useless.

men can do it. So why do so many women seem to just accept that they don’t or won’t?

It's a bad idea in today's market if you are not working in a profession where you could easily find new work.
He needs a pension. You don't talk about other assets other than the house so in the event that you split up where would half of that asset leave you.

2026 - the year he finds a new job that he likes. Make it about supporting that. If the opportunity is there to do a 4 day week then brilliant.

He can give up his paid job but he still needs to clean, cook, do errands, shopping, take the mental load, pretty much fulltime, to enable you to keep financially supporting the family. SAH parents don't get to sit on their bums playing games all day waiting for school pick-up ffs. If that's his notion, you'd be nuts to agree to this.

Awful idea sorry.

Once men of a certain age leave the workplace, they will find it incredibly difficult to get back into ANY job, not just the job they were doing before. Many lose skills, become less open to change and antisocial, don’t like going back at a lower level than they think they deserve and to be honest some just like not working so much that they never have an incentive to go back.

Although your kids are managing in mainstream at the moment it is very common for children with SEN to need to go private for some of their secondary education, or need alternative schooling. You need to be thinking about whether you’ve got savings that would cover that, or if not keeping an income which would mean that this is an option.

I would be encouraging my partner to think about a long-term sustainable career. If this meant a short period of retraining, I’d be fine with that but I would not be fine with them just withdrawing from the job market and promising to help at home. I would also not be on board with him becoming self employed.

There are so many people on the relationship board whose partners have said that they would give up work and look after the house and the kids who ended up doing it so badly (crap house, being horrible to kids and resenting the wife) that it actually then still falls on the woman’s head anyway- so she ends up doing all the family/ house stuff as well as being the wage earner.

He needs her permission because presumably he will want to eat and be housed, have clothing when he needs it, transport, some leisure activities, and these don't sit at the bottom of the garden waiting to be picked for free. If you don't want to work, you need the permission of the person who'll be picking up your bills. This is exactly the same as when a woman doesn't want to work. If her husband doesn't allow her not to, then that tough.

he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day

Red flag. Absolutely not. You’ll end up coming back from work to a filthy house, kids fed crap beige food and plonked on an iPad and him on level gazillion on call of duty or whatever.

It sounds like a no-brainer to me tbh, I'm wondering if its the fact that he's a man that is causing you (and a lot of posters tbf) to think twice. If the roles were reversed my response would be the same, I'm not sure about everyone else. I can imagine the outrage if a man said he wasn't prepared to support his SAHM while she sits around watching Netflix. Perhaps not a long term solution but for a year or two initially, considering that you will be okay financially (making a few sacrifices but that's not unusual) and your children with SEN. He needs to do the household stuff, school run, cooking cleaning - cleaning isn't hard, it doesn't have to be perfect - but taking everything into consideration I think it sounds like a good idea.

You could both look at reducing to PT or doing compressed hours so you each have at least 1 day off work a week, on different days OR you both work school hours only. There’s also the option of parental leave which could be used by both of you during school holidays.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

They don't usually do it to do gaming and a poor job of cleaning though

I would suggests he leaves the job he hates and find something part time especially until your mortgage is paid off.

I’m sure you can imagine the outrage because that is an imaginary situation and not rooted in fact. No grown adult should be sitting around watching Netflix all day when they have family responsibilities, and I don’t know of a single SAHM that does that. I do know many, many men who spend every spare second they have gaming though. And by “spare” I mean any moment they can shirk domestic/childcare responsibilities so they can game.

I hate this pretence that posters like you make: you know what the difference is - don’t play dumb.

It absolutely IS because he's a man. But not in a generic "men should work" way. it's a "It should be fine because of course one person staying home to shoulder the domestic burden can be hugely beneficial but in reality, we all know that too often when it's the man, he doesn't actually shoulder the domestic burden and the woman is therefore still doing the vast bulk of anything that's not specifically about children needing to be at a certain place at a certain time."

And while it would be great to get to the point that this does'nt need to be a consideration, the truth is that right now it's just a fact that men do not step up to do the domestic chores and responsibilities to a sufficient level, whether they're SAHP or working parents.

Both DH and me have done this over the course of our long marriage. I was made redundant at a time when our youngest child was struggling at school (ADHD) , we were getting frequent calls and it was very stressful trying to manage 2 full time jobs as well, I took 2 years out I’d always worked before and have always worked since so it really was just 2 yrs out. DH was made redundant just before Covid hit, it was pretty impossible for him to find another job for 18 months, he then took a minimum wage job for 6 months before getting a professional job back where he has worked ever since. Our kids were adults by this stage so no childcare duties to do and not loads of housework since there was just us two. What he did do with his time was a very big DIY job landscaping our garden and other big projects that would have cost us more than his lost wages for a firm to do so, that 18 months my DH was off paid for themselves really.

Women give up work to look after children all the time - what would it be about different for a man?

Why do all decisions have to be set in stone? Give it a go but with the caveat if it doesn’t work you’ll need to look at other options

because in this particular case, OP has already said he would be spending his time gaming. Doesn't sound like he would take over all the tasks SAHMs generally do.

On every thread I’ve seen on this people have asked whether the woman’s partner is on board, what their finances look like, how they would manage if the partner was ill or sacked and whether they can afford uni/ pensions etc. it’s not a given that women can give up work at the drop of a hat. Plus most people also advise getting back into work asap once the kids are at school unless this is impossible (like a full time carer).

Plus in the vast majority of cases women tend to do an excellent job with the kids, house etc and not the bare minimum before they can get back to the X box which is what we’re all worried about here.

Oh really? He just gets to decide to give up work and have OP fund him, does he? Don't be ridiculous.

OP, i don't understand, he d9esnt like his job and your solution is he gives up work for a few years? Why can't he just get another job?

It sounds like a bad idea but I am amazed that you have two ASD children and you're using after school clubs etc. Most ASD kids barely manage a day at school. So I think you ought to be mindful of the fact that things won't always run as smoothly as they are currently.