Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

I would frame it as “I recognise that you don’t want to work, but you don’t have the talent to be a domestic worker either, and so you being at home will be of no benefit to anyone and that would be terrible for your mental health and worthless to our family unit. However, if you can prove that you can do domestic tasks, regularly, willingly and without be asking you to, then we could revisit you potentially being a SAHD.”

He’s a grown up, he doesn’t get to be shit at both paid and unpaid labour unless he’s incredibly wealthy 🤷‍♀️

*edited typo

Another vote for working PT, to fund another car if nothing else!!

Because women actually then take on the domestic labour and childcare responsibilities. The OP is already concerned that her husband will spend most of the day gaming if he gives up work. How many SAHMs do you know who spend most of their day gaming?

The likelihood is the OP will continue running around like a headless chicken trying to do everything but also taking a massive financial hit with the added resentment of a husband doing fuck all. That’s the difference.

I did and it worked out fine.

meant I didn’t have to worry about school drop offs, sports clubs, any of the taxi services. Which as the kids grew older is a fairly big time commitment.

he wasn’t the best at cleaning, but he did set himself up with a rota for jobs to do each day.

he did have a couple of hours each day while the kids were at school to go to the gym (his hobby) but I didn’t have an issue with that as he was out with the kids most evenings and I had a few hours to myself then to get what I wanted to do done.

eventually though he decided he hated cleaning and housework so got a part time job and used the money to pay for a cleaner 😂. That actually worked out very well as it kept his pension contributions going, and also once the kids passed their driving tests and got more independent he was able to up his hours back to full time.

so as with women I’d advise he doesn’t give up work completely if possible, as down the line he may need to be able to support himself.

If this is what he wants i'd ask him to read
Fair play - Eve Rodsky
The organised mum method - Gemma bray
The art of life admin - Elizabeth Emans

And I'm sure other mumsnetters can offer further suggestions for reading regarding parenting SEN kids.

Then when he's read all this I'd discuss it again. Also maybe get a session or two of couples counselling to discuss expectations, minimum standards and fair distribution of labour before he resigns.

But done well it could make everyone's lives better and easier.

Absolutely NOT. That is a terrible idea. If he hates his job he can apply for different jobs and get a new one. Him being home all day isn't going to bring any value to your life. I don't imagine he will be doing all the parenting, housework, cooking, laundry and life admin while he's at home. I expected you'll be expected to provide a list abd then told your bossy, demanding, nagging ect.

I’d be asking: would he be happy for you to give up work for a few years?

In any case if he doesn’t like his job he can find another job. I don’t think it’s a good idea for either of you to stop working altogether. Can he find a part time job or reduced hours?

I don’t see why he’d want to stop entirely? Especially as kids as school. Can he not find something part time or be freelance / consulting? I personally think any adult stopping work entirely is a bad idea; doesnt matter if male or female. You have no idea what the future holds and being solely reliant on one income is very risky.

If you can afford for him to cut down his hours or do something freelance from home, and then he takes care of childcare/housework, that sounds ideal to me.
You'd need to have a serious discussion though about what tasks he is responsible for at home.

Yes, I picked up on that terminology. Very clumsily worded @Mummyof22018

Absolutely not!

Women as SAHMS = do all the childcare, and 90% - 100% of the household chores and life admin. Usually run around all day.

Men as SAHPS = do the basic “babysitting” and leave everything else around their arse for their wives to do when they get home from work. Sit gaming all day or at their hobbies/gym.

If he’s going to sit on his arse gaming all day, no.

No car at all? I think you might find that harder than you think you will.

if he hates his new job, can’t he look for a different one?

I agree with pp suggesting part time work rather than not working at all. It means less financial strain and continuity for a CV if things changed and he needed to return to full time work.

Just a couple of things to consider.
This will only work if he can properly take on SAHD responsibilities. If not, he will complain you’re nagging and you will feel resentful.
also whilst it might initially feel better for him when he’s not in this job he currently hates, he might also start to feel a bit low and directionless unless he embraces the new home responsibilities and sees it for the full time job it is.
finally re money, if it’s too tight that will be a recipe for disaster and frustrations all round.
maybe part time work would be better?
but it’d also be worth getting the nub of the issue here as to why he’s not feeling great. Stopping work might offer short term relief when there may be deeper things that need to be resolved. Good luck.

I think you're unreasonable to say you're on an okay wage, not loads, but that you're going to pay your mortgage off next year 😉

If you have kids at school then there is no way that the domestic tasks take all day (running around or otherwise) so how the SAHP to school aged kids fills the time is up to them.

I would (and in fact do - this is the set up in my house) expect the person at home to do basically all the housework.

No car, no pension, no holidays, husband who games all day and leaves the house in a mess..nope

I think it's a perfectly reasonable idea IF he's definitely going to step up and do the expected amount of childcare and housework, and also if he's not going to start resenting you for 'bringing in the bacon' while he's a househusband. There are plenty of threads on MN about how men feel emasculated by their wives being the higher earner, and how in many cases it means the woman is working full-time AND doing all the domestic stuff while their husband suddenly decides to start training for an Iron Man or whatever.

A part-time job for him might be the ideal compromise.

This.

My DH did this. There were some advantages - not having to worry about pick ups etc. and life was certainly calmer, but prepare yourself that if he does this he may well never work again. I think the psychological impact of my DH not working was very negative - he lost loads of confidence and I think went into "retirement mode" very early. I would suggest he gets a part time job, particularly if he is likely to spend most of his free time gaming.

I don’t think it’s that black and white.

society teaches us housework and childcare is women’s work. Men don’t learn and aren’t expected to “help” at home.

women are judged by their home and kids.

generally, decent men who know they need to be cleaning baths and changing sheets, and be as involved in raising their kids as their wives, will make equally good sahd as their wives.

if you’re married to a selfish twat who would rather game than do housework or be involved with their kids, then if they are giving up work they will carry on with that behaviour.

if I were married to a man who would sit at home gaming all day and leave the housework for me, then that is not a man I would stay married to.

Women don’t have to put up with men who don’t pitch in.

Why can’t he just find another job that he does like . Many people hate their job but have to slog on . It doesn’t sound like him being a SAhM would be very successful and you’d end up resenting him . It’d be harder to get a new job years later even if he wanted to .

SAHM in a lot of respects is a full time job, childcare, running around, cooking, shopping, cleaning, organising. If there is even a hint of him being a bit pants at those things and into gaming it does sound like a bit of a risk for resentment to build up. The idea of him being home with the children and taking on all the work to relieve stress that is a nice idea but he does actually need to do that.

He needs to pay his NI stamp too if off work for his state pension and contribute somehow to his normal pension if he has one. Part time job would help with this, esp if he's lucky to get a part time job in the field he likes to work in, so he can keep his hand in for when he goes back full time.