Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

Think about the first day you come home, the place is a mess, nothing's cooked, clothes aren't washed, and you find out something that had to be done didn't get done. And on top of that, he's stressed because kids are being kids and the whole house feels it. But he got his game time in.

Then think about you're sick and go to work because you guys need the money and come home to that.

Then multiple that by 320. Then multiply that by years.

I believe many men are socialized to only make an effort when forced. They accept a hierarchy at a workplace where they have targets etc and minimum outputs. But they will only accept them from a “boss” and will only set their own in competition with those they consider to be competitors. You don’t want to be a boss or a competitor to your husband and he will never see you that way anyway. So he has no incentive to take work in the home seriously, and you have no levers to make him. It will be a shit show. I’ve seen it. It never, ever works. I mean in principle it could. But I’ve never seen it work, not once. And you’ve already said hes always gaming . No. No no no no no

I would say cleaning/shopping/childcare is not stimulating enough for anyone. Maybe a position that isn't stressful and actually meeting people would be better in a flexible PT job. That would leave enough time for the mundane stuff which would make both of your lives better.

I thought fine, poor chap, all that stress - until you mentioned his game. Big red flag to me. Either he gets a part-time job (preferably in a cafe or somewhere where he would have to learn how to cook and clean up after himself) or he stays full time while he seeks alternative full time work. Also you say his pension would take a big hit - that's a really big consideration, and possibly what would swing it to me. You're a long time retired these days thanks to most of us living longer.

haha, this is ridiculous.

You're right actually that "drippy" men are not attractive at ALL. Couldn't agree more. But "drippy" and "competently managing the home are not the same. I can hand on heart say that I find DH very attractive when he's competent and capable - doing anything. I definitely find him less attractive when he slips into "I don't know how to do this and you'll have to hold my hand" mode which he does do sometimes.

Cons:
"it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc"
School holidays would change with a SAHD arranging lots of days out and activities and a 'big holiday' might not really matter. What would matter is the foreseeable big expenses - would you still be OK if e.g. the boiler needs repaired? 'Being OK' needs there to be some savings to take care of the unexpected-but-essential.

"His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy."
Only you can know how it would be without a car. Presumably you get to work by other means, heavy groceries can be delivered, lifts for the kids can be bartered for after-school care with other parents by a SAHD, an occasional taxi for travelling at night. It's doable, you don't seem to see a car as a necessity.

"His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working."
The long-term issue of the pension is massive, and even if that were the only con, it would make me pause for thought.

"I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day."
There's three point in there, so I'm going to take them separately:

1 - "he isn't the best cleaner"
For the cleaning, you could take the view that he will get better with practice. But I'm guessing his standards are lower and you would foresee having to do the actual cleaning yourself after he's waved a damp cloth in the direction of the dirt? That's going to cause massive resentment right there.

2 - "I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day."
Fuck. Right. Off! I'd take a sledgehammer to the console if he pulled that stunt. But what you posting that tells me, is that you do not trust him to pull his weight for the household if he gives up paid work, probably because he does not see domestic work as his responsibility, and therefore would shuck it off onto you.

3 - "I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time"
Your resentment would be because you foresee yourself holding down a job AND having to do the Second Shift in the home because he's not going to take the housework off your shoulders AND behave like a slacker teen on his console.

This is as massive as the pension problem, frankly. Plus it effectively wipes out the practical Pros from your list, because if he's glued to his console all day he's not going to be an active SAHD is he? He'll be physically present, yes, but is he going to be doing anything more with your two primary-aged children other than sitting them in front of the TV and returning to his console? You might look back on the "chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc" fondly! Ditto your current use of after school clubs and holiday clubs

The only Pro left really is that "He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house." Well, there's a good chance that he wouldn't be as stressed, but equally there's a good chance that you will be considerably more stressed, so the stress levels in the household will not actually reduce.

"But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)"
You describe your jobs as professional, it obviously depends which profession as to how hard it would be to re-enter it in a few years. Would it be possible for him to do some sort of Continuous Professional Development such as a Masters whilst not working in the profession? And would he actually do it, or sit on his console? And you are already foreseeing him becoming (already being?) lazy on the domestic front.

Honestly, the Cons are massive and the only real Pro is that your husband would be less stressed by not working in a job he hates. If that's the only Pro then it would be better addressed by him gritting his teeth while looking for another job. Maybe being prepared to take a lower salary, which would still maintain his pension.

You have your doubts about him being an effective Stay-At-Home-Dad contributing domestic labour and child-rearing to the household, whilst you become the sole earner Working-Outside-Home-Mum. You're not going to be able to resolve those doubts without long, involved, detailed discussions with your husband. It could work. But it might require a huge change in attitude towards the domestic sphere on his part. Those conversations need to be had before you can, jointly, come to a decision. And like I said, they need to be detailed - no crossing of fingers and declarations of 'we'll make it work somehow'. No! 'Somehow' is not a strategy! And the conversations must include you stating clearly 'I will hugely resent you if you treat this as an opportunity to just play on your console all day. HUGELY resent you.'

But most SAHMs with school age children I know go to the gym, coffees etc so I don't think it's that different. But most SAHMs don't expect the working husband to be responsible for all the cleaning. They do their coffees if they have time left over from housework and childwrangling, not instead of it.

Let him? Oosh

Also you can get a 2nd hand car

I was a sham and it's taken me years to find a part time job, due to the amount of time I've been out of work raising children. I'd suggest he looks for something part time or depending on his line of work , potentially a self employed contractor and h can choose when to work, so not in the school holidays, etc. I'd say that he'll be bored at home all day when the kids are at school, once the novelty wears off.

If a man were to ask on here if he should ‘let’ his wife give up work, he would be labelled a controlling narcissist, walking red flag etc etc!

I have never seen a topic where a woman says she wants to be a SAHM but DH disagrees, and people telling her to do it anyway. Of course the paying partner needs to agree to the proposal as well.

Does he realise it would mean giving up the after school clubs? So his " free time "will be 09.00 to 3 pm not 09.00 to 6 pm ... and he would need to manage kids after school. Hopefully he all in favour and excited about that in which case no problem...

I mean no, my husband wouldn’t be giving up work to “play his game most of the day”, if that was even a slight worry it wouldn’t be happening full stop. Tell him to look for another job.

As a parent of a SEND child who’s had to give up work (part time) I can say the chances of you needing one parent at home more when your children go to secondary school will most likely be higher.
That’s assuming they may not settle well, it’s a MASSIVE change for SEND children who seem okay in primary.
on the other hand I’d suggest he does something for even one or two days a week if this is possible or even maybe start something himself where he can work from home for less hours?
i only say that because it can get really lonely if you are at home everyday with no other adult conversation alllll day. The same four walls the same routines. If he can find something for him that also brings in some cash so you don’t feel like your having to penny pinch then I’d say that’s the way to go.

Usually though it’s a conventional choice and presented as the only option for the family.

most posts I see on here where a woman is considering sah or going pt her partner’s opinion isn’t even taken into account. It’s “my salary won’t cover childcare”, or “I don’t want to miss the baby years” or “I don’t want them looked after by strangers”

she makes the decision and the partner goes along with it, because it’s the societal norm and he down’s feel he can challenge it. If he does he’s easily beaten down with “kids need their mum”, “salary won’t pay for childcare” or some other vision where he doesn’t have to think about housework or childcare.

Yes here I agree, of course many women present it as done deal and only option, so the male partners don't even think they have anything to say. Which I don't consider particularly fair.

How is he as a parent? Is he proactively involved with the children? Does he already pull his weight around the house and do at least half of cooking/cleaning/life admin? Also how secure is your job?

Oh. I re-read the OP. No chance. Forget it. You'll end up leaving him because he's useless and he'll say he's primary carer to the children so he can keep them, avoid maintenance and continue being a shit dad.

You're fucking unreasonable to say 'to let him'.

If he can prove himself as house husband why not.
Friends of ours did this, his wife was a high earner and his job was seasonal (thatcher). He quickly learnt to be a great housekeeper, actually better than some women I know. Their boys complained if mum had to look after them in the summer while he worked.
As the boys got older he went to volunteer work and a part time job in the school nearby and she eased back on her career, travelling less.

I thought our own marriage was a great team work, but theirs is well tuned !