Should I let husband give up work

[Mummyof22018]

Both husband and I are professionals earning an ok wage but not loads.

We are however both very sensible with money so should have mortgage paid by next year.

The question is this really, husband got made redundant and hates his new job and we have 2 kids at primary both on the spectrum but ok enough to function at a mainstream. Would it be crazy for me to let him give up his job for a few years as we would be ok financially and wouldn't need to worry about school drops and holiday clubs etc?

Pros - our life is always chaos trying to sort care for holidays, sicknesses, drop offs etc so this would relieve that pressure.
He wouldn't be as stressed all the time as this always affects everyone in the house.
Save money from after school clubs and holiday clubs

Cons - it would be a hit financially, we would be ok but would have to sacrifice big holidays etc.
His car is a work car so we would be without a car which is incredibly handy.
His pension would take a huge hit as we couldn't afford to contribute to it if he isn't working.
I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.
It puts all the pressure on my job which isn't great as I would struggle to find other work if ever made redundant

Even though there seems more cons I just think this is the time the kids will need someone round the most and it would relieve the pressure from childcare so if we were ever to do it then it would be now. But my worry is we will eventually regret it as would sacrifice nicer things in life and worried he would struggle to find another job in a few years when the kids are at high school (or end up being lazy and I would have to nag constantly about housework)

Anyone any insight whether this is an awful idea or have done it and it was the best thing ever?

I do think a compromise is the way to go. My SonIL only works part time but picks up all the school runs and shopping and cooking - I think my DD (who works full time) has finally forgotten how to cook! It works for them.

Because most women don’t sit around gaming all day when they are stay at home parents - but this man might. So it’s not really the same thing at all.

Bonkers idea, why would you put yourself in financial hardship when your children are at school all day 9-3? If you need to be off in holidays take unpaid parental leave and split it 50/50, stagger your start and finish times so one starts work really early to do pickup and the other starts late to do dropoffs. There are much better solutions to this than to have an adult sat at home all day not earning twiddling their thumbs as the kids are at school anyway. If you take years out you are likely to drop down the career ladder, assuming you can manage to find a job again after years out. Also the impact on your pension down the road wouldn't be great.

There's also the mental health impact on your husband too, my dad was a SAHD for a few years after being made redundant, it sort of happened by accident my mum earned more and the job my dad did didn't work with small children, it had a massive negative impact on his mental health, he really wasn't right, his confidence suffered and when he did try to return to the workforce it was near impossible to get back in after the break. Then there is the resentment if 1 person is working ft and the other person has an easy life just mooching and doing childcare, my dad didn't do any housework so my mum was working ft and still cleaning the house, it was quite a bleak time thinking about it. My parents are still together and happy (50 years married) but it was the rockiest period they have ever been through. My dad returned to work when my youngest sibling started school, my parents worked opposite shifts to get around childcare.

I wouldn't do it.

Hand on heart will he be able to cope with all stuff without you to be heavily involved?
Also coping in primary might go either way in secondary ( sorry for the pessimism) so I would work while it’s possible as kids being at school.
So part time with clear expectations set rather than off work completely,

Does he want to give up work, or just that job?

Getting another job would seem sensible, but it’s often not straightforward. The job market is difficult and people rarely walk into new jobs.

If he were to give up his job, it should only be after you’ve thoroughly discussed the logistics, expectations and time scale. He will have to accept the major responsibility for maintaining the house and meeting the children’s needs. Some downtime during the day, but absolutely no gaming all day, until you come home.

👏👏👏

If he doesn't pull his weight you WILL feel resentful!

My DH works two nights a week, so all housework and most childcare falls to him. It's his job to make sure the kids have what they need for school and his job to keep on top of the house and washing. (I cook because he's terrible and I don't want to eat anything he throws together! :D)

When he first started doing this, his cleaning was dire. But after lots of feedback (and many arguments) its ok now and he doesn't take offence if I point out something that hasn't been done quite right.

It's give and take though, I also don't mind if he says he's doing a less thorough clean that week so he can have an afternoon of gaming because he does all the mornings and night waking's (when he's not working) with the smallest DD.

That said, my wage covers all the basics (inc. two cars and a holiday), without that I think I'd feel quite resentful of working my bum off and not being able to afford "nice" things.

I would be very hesitant to agree. I'm all for equality and it can work that way round but whether its biology, socialisation or both, men often aren't suited to the role. I know quite a few couples where the man took on the SAHD role, usually because the mum earned a lot more and it seemed to make sense and I cant think of any of those examples where it worked out well long term.

The men liked the idea of not working but disliked or resented (or ignored) the idea of covering the majority of drudge work. For example my former boss had a year off for ML. When she went back her husband was keen to have a year off himself and was all excited about leaving his job. She agreed happily as it meant their little boy could delay starting nursery for another year. But within weeks the dad insisted he went to nursery anyway as it was "too much". In two other cases the dad's didn't cook as they "didn't know how" or it was too much after running the kids around all day, so mum had to do it when she got home.

In most cases they swapped back over within a year but in two cases the dads had affairs, citing they felt ignored and unappreciated (albeit that might have happened anyway).

I think motivation is key. Most SAHM are in that role because they feel it's best for their children and they want to fulfil that themselves. When dads are in that role it's more likely motivated by wanting time off work or by finances. Beware.

Better I think for him to look for a different job, perhaps part time/flexible.

He could have some part time job and also you can give this a trial run for let say half a year and then re-evaluate, seeing whether it works for you as a family.

I was with you until you said he was a gamer. Good friend of mine did similar, and her gamer husband ended up turning into a teenager. Staying up until 2/3am gaming and not pulling his weight round the house. His mental health took a dive and the toll on her as sole breadwinner AND only effectively active parent. It took 3+ years to get him out of the habit and into a routine where he was reasonably contributing to the household (responsibility and tasks, not money).

This will lead to resentment. Nobody’s pension can afford to take a hit in this day and age. Sounds like he’ll still expect you to do housework if he will be gaming all day. Tbh I think this will be bad for his MH. SAHMs tend to have developed local friendships which keep them sane. He won’t have this. Like everyone else he needs to suck it up or find a job he likes. Common sense approach

Can he stick it out until the mortgage is paid off becuase I think th ecar thing is going to be aproblem. But if you pay off the mortgage, you could then afford to buy a cheap car, even if on finance?

DH did this. He hated his job and earned very little. We DID have a cleaner, which helped as he was great at day to day tidying up and cleaning, but terrible at the bigger things. To be fair, if I'd been a SAHM, I think I'd have been fairly bad at that too - albeit not as BAD as him! He did work on a very very ad hoc freelance basis occassinoally - but only about 10 hours a month. But it was helpful and that small financial contribution was nonetheless very helpful.

He then retrained and now works part time around the kids school/activities (mostly), in a completely different job. And the act of retraining was helpful too - it gave him a focus and a structure in the years when the kids were first at school which I think was very very helpful for him.

It will be important to agree between you what you think he needs to be doing and taking responsibility for. And also understanding the flex required - when the DC were small, during school holidays, quite frankly, I had to step up more as there was a lot less time/energy for all the household tasks. Similarly, as our jobs have changed, we've had to flex up and down respectively to manage that.

It best to go over a list of expectations beforehand. Agree what you both think is reasonable for him to do and trial it for 3 months. If not he gets back to work or at least part time

it won’t hurt to have less pressure regarding kids and costs etc. and no big holidays is fine. A bit of camping is great fun

oh, and I don't know if these sort of mortgages exist anymore (or in this country) but there used to be a mortgage where you could apply and the funds are available. So it might be worth considering getting something like that where you're not spending the money, but it becomes your buffer should you need it down the line. But you should seek proper financial advie - I'm not sure how it would work or what the options are. I did something similar with a Covid loan for my business during covid,

You already know he isn't going to do an equal amount of labour in the home if you do this and will prioritise his leisure time, leaving you doing a double shift of work and housework.

Don't do it! It would be a different matter if he was going to lessen your load in the home.

From what you say about his efforts with housework and the fact that the kids are in school full time and will be independent in a few years when they start secondary school, I’d be reluctant at this stage in your lives. Having no mortgage isn’t much solace if for any reason YOU lost your job through redundancy or ill health. No second income is of little use when you are scraping money together to help your kids at university - and what model does it set your children? You need not only to have the mortgage paid off but a nest egg that cushions you from the loss of his income, so no, I would say this is a financially foolhardy proposition, and therefore likely to undermine your relationship. You don’t need a SAHP at this stage - you needed it when they were under five - so it seems a bit too little too late?

I think a compromise would be a part-time role for an agreed period of, say, twelve months which would allow him to work out what he wants to do with his life and then plan/train/focus applications on doing that. Other than that - well millions of people do jobs they hate.

The TicToc generation seems to think we have the right to go singing and dancing into work every day, but frankly this is ridiculous. If he is unhappy in his job he needs to look at ways to improve his position - training, asking for WFH/Hybrid model, or looking for a new job. You don’t just walk away because it’s no fun, especially when you have dependents and responsibilities.

We have done that. I work and DP does not because our household just didn't function well without one person to do the "wife-work". I work full time and he suttles kid around, dog around, deals with laundry and shopping, maintenance men, car mechanics etc.. We do have a cleaner as that isn't his forte but he does all the dishes and daily pick up. It's lovely. Now I know why the partiarchy is unwilling to give up their wives! However I love and appreciate him for what he does, I value it, I also do my share of housework and carrying the mental load. We are a happy and productive team.

This

I’d support him in leaving a job that’s making him miserable but not giving up work. What he needs is a new job.

'earning an ok wage but not loads.'

and you both think / believe you can live on half of that ?

and there would be no car, not just one car instead of 2

NO

Autistic children rarely become independent when they start high school like typical children that age. Childcare options also reduce at that stage as most are for primary aged children. It's worth you bearing that in mind with you thinking about him getting a job when they go to high school.
I'd encourage him to look for another job with lower responsibility and more flexibility. There will be less money but not as little as if he was not working, he will get out of the job he doesn't like, will be more available for the DC and there won't be the issue of a gap on his CV.

Imagine a world where 'husband' and 'wife' are non gendered roles, and can be taken by anyone regardless of sex. In a functioning family, in human society in general, one person works and earns money, the other one raises the next generation and keeps the household together.

Both roles are equally important.

Feminism failed because women didn't understand that equality doesn't mean a partnership where there are two 'husband's. Equality means having the freedom to be the 'husband' and not the 'wife'.

Women should have the freedom to choose 'wife' or 'husband'. AND SO SHOULD MEN but they won't, because half the time, women don't even want them to.

Incidentally, families comprising two 'husband's who work and earn and don't have time to raise children or keep house, also are responsible for ridiculous unaffordable housing and the expectation that everyone needs to work their arses off constantly while children are raised by childcare professionals, which further drives economic growth.

We're all on the same hamster wheel. Female here, working full time, male husband, also working full time. It's madness

I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.

This is actually the biggest issue for me. You definitely can't have a SAHP setup if one of you is likely to become resentful and if you think he's going to use the time to game instead of doing his job, that's a deal breaker. Resentment is a marriage killer and if that happens, the knock on effect will be far worse than you both working.

Can one of you reduce hours?

“Isn’t the best cleaner” means lazy. He’s an adult, he knows how to clean. You mean you know he won’t be arsed as he would prefer to sit gaming all day while the kids are in school. It would be a big fat absolutely not from me, I’m afraid. You’ll end up earning the wage and picking up the slack at home .

Two wrongs don't make a right. I don't think that women should give up work either, it annoys me on here when SAHM come on here and complain that their husbands don't do more in the house. This situation is no different. No way would I let this man stop working.