DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

[Whatinthedoopla]

DH invited his parents on our annual leave destination. This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited, and he went on to invite them without consulting me.

I really don't mind going with them, as long as I get another time in the year to still go on a mini family holiday.

The issue is, money I tight, so we won't get this opportunity until the year after.

Should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

They basically want me to be very well maintained, do all the housework, child care, cook for partner, work, and he sits back and relax...

And get the family in debt whilst he's at it?

Why?

Tell him to have a long weekend away with them and keep them out of the family holiday.

This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited

This is from your opening post. It appears to contradict later statements about what happens when they do go on holiday with you.

I really don't get this special "bonding" that only happens on holidays.

It sounds like psychobabble to me.

These days families are much more insular, which might be one of the reasons why the sense of community is breaking down and the idea of it is widely scorned.

None of that means the OP's DH should have invited his parents on holiday, of course.

You need to find your backbone. You're paying for the holiday, so you jolly well get a say in who's coming. He needs to politely uninvite them otherwise the whole thing is bloody well cancelled.

Agree. Bonding happens organically in the multiple, mundane moments of every day life.

Putting on shoes, unpacking the shopping etc where children feel safe, secure and calm because Mum and Dad are in an equal, mutual, respectful and reciprocal partnership with a shared sense of family values and purpose.

That’s what builds a strong bonded foundation. If you can only grasp these moments on holidays out of the home then no child is going to feel emotionally safe and connected because it’s not authentic and they will sense and internalise the implicit disappointment, resentment and contempt between you. But they won’t know what these uncomfortable feelings are intellectually so will believe it’s their fault and they become insecure.

Why is your DH in debt? Is he generally a waste of space?

Mini family clearly means nuclear family - it’s not a reference to the length or quality of the holiday. Obviously.

And holidays don’t need to involve going abroad.

Bless you Op, you have a lot on your plate. But keep at the back of your mind that you hold all the cards . You have nothing to lose.

You get to call the shots.

If you don’t want them there, be clear to your DH that he needs to tell them he fucked up

Another option is you tell him that you and the kids are having the holiday you want. If he and his parents want something else, the three of them organise and pay for it.

This doesn't make sense.

It's like saying why eat together, when you can eat alone and talk to each other at other times.

It's like saying why go on a date, when we bond together making dinner for the kids.

It's nice to bond together in a fun and different environment, swimming together, riding bikes together, things that are different from the every day life

You could always send them all off without you and you have a holiday with the house to yourself.

Absolutely this!

What a load of bobbins

That’s just a “holiday” 😂

It’s not psychobabble. It’s my young kids being able to rave about the hotel breakfast in Vietnam or how much they loved ‘croissant’ which was how they pronounced carcassone (because he was 4 not because he’s an idiot) It’s a family getting to do different , more fun than usual, things together in a more relaxed than usual way. These are special moments.

and it takes a special kind of person to say that if you value holiday bonding you’re obviously a terrible parent whose child will have lifelong insecurity from their neglected childhood. A very special person.

anyway the op is paying for it so she can say nope, we will rebook for week x and you can take your parents on holiday if you want to pay for the holiday. I need this holiday with our children not your parents and you will just have to start contributing financially again and take a bit of the load off me for me to need the break less or for us to have two holidays.

No fucking way. Tell dh they aren’t coming. Thats no fun at all for you.

and it takes a special kind of person to say that if you value holiday bonding you’re obviously a terrible parent whose child will have lifelong insecurity from their neglected childhood. A very special person.

@99bottlesofkombucha it wasn't me who said all that! I did use the word psychobabble, but I wouldn't extrapolate it to being a bad parent!

I guess I just think families are constantly "bonding" no matter if they're on holiday or not. You're talking about expanding horizons, sharing fascinating experiences and making lifelong memories, which of course is wonderful and enriching, but the presence of "other people" won't stop those things happening.

I'll repeat though, that if OP doesn't want her in-laws to join them on holiday she shouldn't have to endure that. Her husband is out of order!

Of course you bond at the easy and special times on holiday etc - that’s the icing on the cake. However there is no foundational cake if during the multiple mundane moments of everyday life the reciprocity, respect, mutual partnership of loving calmness are not in place but there is unspoken stress, resentment, imbalance and bitterness instead - that will be the family emotional baseline not the annual holidays or random days out.

What are you do going to do/say to the in laws about the holiday, @Whatinthedoopla ?

I do agree with what you are saying, but there is a counter argument.

Not everyone can have the opportunities to bond "as a family unit" during their day to day lives, holidays are (supposed to be) a time when everyone can forget their day to day problems and relax, and have proper TIME to spend together and you really can bond as a family without all the stress you normally have.. it doesn't mean they live in misery the rest of the time, it's just that it isn't the same.

For instance me and DH work different shifts, our DD4 is at school, there isn't many opportunities for us to do things as a family unit, or much of anything without pressure to be doing something else (DD bedtime, activities, my work, his work, chores, caring, other commitments etc, just life basically!).. it's just how a lot of modern lives are now, and not exclusive to OP, sometimes you are pulled into different directions and while I do my upmost to dedicate time to family and DD & DH and I do prioritise it above most things as I love it, but it is quite hard to relax into it at times knowing I'm ignoring a mountain of shit to do it. DD wouldn't know the difference and we are always doing things together, but holidays are really where it is at for me, they are a special time, and that is why I never ever go abroad, I prefer lots of UK breaks through the year, rather than one big one.

If you read OPs posts, it sounds like she is constantly having to perform, to earn, to be everything to everyone, like many people, holidays are the one place she can let go of everything.. except PIL have now been invited and they apparently expect her to perform, which she obviously goes a long with for some reason?

I'd be putting my foot down though, if the in laws do fuck all to bond with them as a family in the day to day, and are only interested in helping her lazy DH and not her, they can get knotted if they think they are bringing their expectation of 'feminine energy(?!)' on holiday too! No idea why she isn't acknowledging that suggestion from most people here that she stops it in it's tracks, not to mention her own feelings on the matter.. it's really odd to go along with this.

The issue I have is that I am the one organizing the holiday, I am the one paying for it. I value our family time a lot, because we rarely get any.

I just really love our own family holidays, and we really get to bond as a family when we do go.

I just have a lot on my brain, work/breadwinner, child care, home administrator, holiday administrator, the expectations from PILs to have feminine energy hahah

They basically want me to be very well maintained, do all the housework, child care, cook for partner, work, and he sits back and relax...

Yeah, as so often before, this is a classic ‘DH’ problem.

I understand the disappointment OP, I too find our family holidays are bonding time. On holiday we are in each others company all week, eat every meal together, play games, discuss what we want the day to look like (eg snoozing/playing on the beach or taking a trip etc), the whole vibe and pace is different. Sure we eat together at home, but we’re often rushing and driving kids to clubs (separately) or shouting hellos and byes over the stacking the dishwasher and sorting washing, pets, washing etc etc. everyday life is a bonding space but it’s a different pace and quality.

Id do the holiday (making it clear to DH he is not to do this again) but you need to have a planning conversation together first and lay out expectations. Make it clear you need to book it with the kids in mind. So if that’s beach/pool you still do that even if the GPs don’t especially enjoy this. If you’re self catering, explicitly create a rota for cooking/cleaning up and set the tone now before they commit. It may be that they bring energy and ideas to the table and add something fun into the mix. If they don’t, they have to go with the flow that you create. Make it clear from the outset that holidays with young kids involve work and you expect this to be shared.

Id do the holiday

I wouldn't.

If it's not been booked yet and the OP is being expected to pay for it, u think now is the time to put your foot down.

'Bill and Jean-I just wanted to let you know that because of Dave's debts, we can only do one holiday this year, as I'm paying! I'm sure you'll understand we want that to be just us this summer. Maybe in future, he can organise something bigger. Obviously he can come and stay with you at any point to spend more time together'

If you cave in and go the holiday he has tried to bounce you into, this will just be another step downhill where you are playing the role of husband and wife while he is just a passenger.

this is an opportunity for you to draw a line, tell him to explain to his parents that he can’t fund it and you are going to prioritise your immediate family.

it might not feel like this, but you do have a choice. You can continue as you are or … you can start living a different life. All the very best.

I've been a fool :(

I asked the PIL what dates they can do, hoping they don't actually give any...

As if they do, I'm asking partner to pay for half, and if he can't, which may be the case, we don't go

I'm not spending my only family holiday of the year with PILs. I'll just book it for a different time..