DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

[Whatinthedoopla]

DH invited his parents on our annual leave destination. This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited, and he went on to invite them without consulting me.

I really don't mind going with them, as long as I get another time in the year to still go on a mini family holiday.

The issue is, money I tight, so we won't get this opportunity until the year after.

Should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

Is this a two week family hols with your own family unit or just a mini break. Is that what you mean by mini holiday? A mini break is less of a transgression.. but a two week holiday its a major committment and should not be going ahead unless you were both in (real) agreement.

I'm so sorry to say this OP but you need a complete rethink

It's very clear that you DO mind them coming... but instead of saying that and making your feelings clear you are talking about just sucking it up and going along with this. I think that you have been used to helping and facilitating others but it is OK to put your own feelings and priorities First. Its not rude or uncaring and you have to be firm about calmly and confidently asserting your right to do so, or you will be walked all over. I've been in your position and it was very difficult. I would never let it happen to me again without joint agreement.

You compromised by suggesting a solo family holiday later on, (reasonable) d and he fobs you off with "it might not be possible (feebe that he can't even give a flat no, but has to wrap it up in a maybe - whilst the inlaws on hols still remains on the table)

In your position, I would be reading him the riot act for not consulting others. Unless he had a really good reason for doing so.

Then I read that YOU are
" the one organizing the holiday, I am the one paying for it. I value our family time a lot, because we rarely get any. " and that he can't pay for it has he has too many debts.

Which I feel makes his actions even more of a cheek.

First I would TELL him, not suggest... that he cannot just invite people on the holiday you organise and pay for without consulting you.

You are absolutely correct that family time is precious and the only times. Family holiday times, away from the normal run of things are also precious.

If he has debts and you have to fund the family holidays (as well as organise them) he doesn't get to go around inviting other people. His debts puts the burden of family finances more firmly on you. You are within your rights to say "We can only afford to take ourselves." but also. I only want to take ourselves.

Yes you can uninvite them because it was an ill considered invite in the first place. If you are organising it.. you can say that you've looked into it and you cannot find or afford bigger accommodation.

If he won't say it to them without fudging it or blaming you, you can tell them yourself on your own terms.

It is not being mean to them, it is not unreasonable for you to want rare time away as just your own family unit.

If he did this because he wants to spend more time with them, you don't have to go away with them for two weeks to achieve that, invite them over for a short visit instead or go to theirs for a short visit and take them out to dinner.

If no one wants to meet you halfway, you also have the nuclear option of just not organising it at all

He’s in charge, isn’t he?

You’re tiptoeing about the issue.

This is the solution. No way should you pay for it.

If they’re definitely going on your holiday I think you need to organise your mini-family days out in advance and make sure they dont r know!
what is the accommodation? Hotel, cottage etc? If it’s a hotel pre book some nights for dinner with your kids and him, it doesn’t t all need to be shared

He’s in charge whilst op pays for everything.

Where is the partnership? Where is the teamwork?

You are clear you like your in laws and aren’t opposed to going away with them so why didn’t your H discuss it with you? Did he ask you what the holiday budget was? Did he ask if you could pay for them? Did you both sit down together and look at whether 2 shorter holidays - one just your core family and another with your in laws - was doable? Does your h often allocate your money without talking to you first?

OP, you are the one organising and paying for it and yet you are letting him dictate to you?
You have all the power here, what's the matter with you?!
I think I would just not bother to organise or pay for it and then it won't happen and they won't be able to come along and ruin it.

@Whatinthedoopla your DH needs to tell his parents that he misspoke because he’s now realised he’d have to go into (more) debt to afford to take them on holiday - sorry mum and dad.

You should just go ahead and book your holiday as planned just the 2 of you plus kids.

And I also think you need to have a discussion about your DH spending your money because he has debts to service. I’m normally a fan of married couples sharing earnings but his selfish spending needs to be reined in - you are not responsible for paying for an additional holiday so his parents can join you on this one - and frankly you clearly can’t afford it.

I think this is a polite way of saying lots of men seem to be welded to their parents, more so than you'd expect for an adult.

I would tell him to book (and pay for) a holiday just him and his parents if he 'wants to spend time with them'. Then you can go away as a family as you wanted.

You could have a proper conversation with them before you go any further.

tell them that you know DH has invited them, but you need to be 100% sure they are aware of what this holiday is going to be: early mornings, no late nights and kid centred activities. Tell them that it’s your family holiday and that this is going to be as much for the kids as for you and h to get a break.

tell them that you won’t be keeping the kids quiet on their family holidays, that there will be kids activities and perhaps it would be best if they booked separate accommodation so that they can have a more relaxed schedule, and that it would remove a lot of the stress and pressure from you worrying about them. Tell them too that there is no obligation for them to come, so if this holiday doesn’t sound like one they’d want to spend money on, that’s absolutely ok and you can all find another way of getting the wider family together

That's a tactic worth trying, make sure the holiday not at all to their liking and they won't want to come again 😊

This is what happens to us too

So, they will be ruining your holiday?

Just don't.

Why isn’t he paying for half of it anyway?!?! He should be covering half as is usual in a marriage

You must say no. It's completely OK to want and need your holiday to be just you and your immediate family. That your ILs wouldn't offer any help or even just be easygoing with the kids routines makes this even more the case.

Whether it's easier to book your holiday without then and let them know as you said, or tell them it won't be possible for them to come, this is up to you. I personally would expect DH to tell them but you'll know what's best here.

I'd be very pissed off with my husband for hijacking a holiday I pay for, particularly if I was also the breadwinner and (I'm guessing) emotional labourer and resident grown up of the household.

well i wouldn't be doing that, for a start.

If you're not against it in principle, i would have a discussion with DH and ILs and tell them exactly what you would expect from having them with you on holiday - in terms of not constantly telling the DCs to be quiet, and that there will be times when you and DH want to be alone etc.

I would not be happy about DH inviting PIL without asking me as it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. You can’t invite others to join your holiday without discussing it with your partner first.

You can’t pretend they’ve not been invited. You can ask DH to uninvite them and he needs to do it quick before they book.

So it sounds like if the in-laws come on your holiday it will all be focused on keeping THEM happy and doing what THEY want!! Tell your husband as he’s not even contributing to the holiday let alone anything else then he can tell his parents that unfortunately he got the wrong end of the stick and it’s a holiday for just him and his family not the wider family and that once he has paid his debts off he will treat everyone to a lovely holiday but it won’t be this year!!

1 person cannot just invite others on a group holiday (regardless of the group involved) without consulting the others, let alone the person who is paying!

This. Tell your husband that and then book a holiday just for your household.

Tell him he can go and stay with his parents at weekends

You're the financial provider, your husband has debt that uses all his money, you're taking a family holiday that he decided to invite his parents on?

Why not just tell him you're not ok with holidaying with his parents? If he wants to go off with them, he goes by himself and they can pay but he's not using family funds for it. He can get a second job.

We managed money separately and have different salaries. One person cannot make decisions like this on their own. You have frame two possible solutions, there are many more you could consider.

I think your OH should plan and pay for a mini break with your ILs. Maybe something shorter or in this country. Why does YOUR holiday need to be put on hold. They can plan for next year. Don't be passive.

Would two shorter holidays work?

Agree, but he should have consulted you, yes. And feel free to suggest your family/friends come another time, but stress that you are asking him.
Maybe he is hoping for some 1:1 time with you, or has a surprise planned? I would just go along with it this time though, as it could spoil it for everyone to change things now. OK, you'd be justified in saying it shouldn't have happened without your agreement, but take the babysitting and don't cut off your nose to spite your face (obviously only if PIL are decent).

I’d just drop the ball on this. If he wants it he facilitates and books it. I would be telling him how great it was that he is taking over the holiday organising. If he's getting the holiday he wants then he needs to make the effort. I’d be packing a bikini and a couple of Jilly Coopers and I’d be off to the beach every day. If food needs to be ordered and cooked then he does it. You are paying for a holiday. It is not your job to host it as well.

If not booked, just uninvite them

they may expect to come in the future

i really dont want to holiday with my in laws

DH does not want to holiday with my parents so we’re both agreed on that

should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

Why are those your two options?

What about C: use your words tell your husband that if you can only afford one holiday this year, you aren't going to spend it with his parents because you want it to just be your family and as he isn't paying, it's your call.

Tell him he can save up and pay for a holiday next year with his parents if that's what he wants to spend his money on but YOUR money will be going on your household holiday.

Have you told him that if this is the only holiday this year, that's not what you want to spend it doing?

Its said that he who pays the piper calls the tune. In this case it is you who pay and organize the trip. I would go ahead and just book for immediate family. Then tell DH that you cannot afford to subsidise his relations and he will have to organise and pay for a later holiday with them. I would also message the in laws and tell them exactly where you stand - that you dont have the budget for them to come as well. But then I am hard like that.