DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

[Whatinthedoopla]

DH invited his parents on our annual leave destination. This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited, and he went on to invite them without consulting me.

I really don't mind going with them, as long as I get another time in the year to still go on a mini family holiday.

The issue is, money I tight, so we won't get this opportunity until the year after.

Should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

I'm soooo confused 😂

Why do you pay for the family holidays?
Why do you make up terms like mini family holiday? It's just a holiday...

Clearly your PIL are used to going on holiday with you guys so I think it probably wasn't clear to your husband that his parents weren't invited. Especially when you just make up terminology.

Before you said about the debt I was thinking just go along with it for one year but I'm sorry if henhas gotten himself into debt it's either because you have poorly organised joint finances or he has prioritised spending money on what he wants and he now expects you to prioritise spending money on what he wants.

I can't believenits even a question that he would be paying half the cost for you and the kids and his parents pay their own way.

If you haven't even booked it then you've got plenty of time to change things.

Is this a hotel holiday where they will pay for their own flights/hotel room or is it a villa/cottage type deal where they will stay with you?

I asked the PIL what dates they can do, hoping they don't actually give any...

Why?! Tell them you don't want to go.

Unless they say "any time between now and Christmas", your answer to every date is "ah no, I can't get that off work, sorry" or "hmm, the hotel/cottage/flights are not available/terrible then.

Then you book your holiday on your own.

It's joint, so they will need to send through their part

We have never been on holiday with them

Oh it seemed from your posts that this was a regular thing the way you were saying how they would act and what they'd expect.

Also if he got you into loads of debt (I am there, my DH has racked up €30k in cc debt secretly) then he doesn't get a holiday IMO... he gets another job!

Also, it's just a holiday. I don't get why you'd make up terminology if it's just your normal holiday.

We have never been on holiday with them

Then don't start now.

Why are you messaging them asking what dates they can do?! Tell them your husband was mistaken when he invited them and it's not happening!

If you don't, you will have a crap summer holiday. Is that what you want, because you do have options here?!

I don’t know why you went on to message them about dates, but good you’ve decided your partner pays half or it’s not happening.

Book the hol with ILs as a 2 or 3 day mini break.

Then book your proper hol without them.

Perfect!

What exactly do you get out of this relationship OP? What is the point of him? Please don’t say ‘a good father’ - good fathers don’t run up debts to their children’s detriment or expect their children’s mother to shoulder all the burden of the family. It seems from the outside your problems are a lot deeper than holiday plans.

Okay, a joint holiday isn't a bad idea if you are all in one accommodation as essentially you are sharing the cost.. could that be the reason why he has asked them without your knowledge, so instead of him having to stump up half of the family holiday (which you've obviously discussed), he has got his parents to pay half instead? That way he gets out of paying.

The only thing puzzling me though is that, you must think this idea has merit for some reason, otherwise you would have shut it down, and you certainly wouldn't be the one asking them what dates they have free.

He hasn't invited them on a holiday which is already booked, paid for and organised, he has suggested that they come with you when you DO go, so you have complete autonomy to change this situation before it even gets off the ground, so what is the real reason you are going along with it?

@IwishIcouldconfess Of course people can bond the rest of the year but it’s not really hard to appreciate that spending 1 or 2 weeks together as a nuclear family, without the pressures and demands of work, school runs, chores, washing, vacuuming, OTHER PEOPLE etc is seen as an opportunity to just enjoy each others’ company, is a really good opportunity for that, and one of the things people look forward to on a family holiday.

I love my in laws and they do loads for us but it doesn’t mean I’d be happy about them being invited on this very rare time together, one holiday a year, a time to recharge and spend time with my kids. OP I would be livid and telling DH to sort it out, and if he can’t be the bad guy here and fix it then he needs to massively make this time up for you all. Thoughtless idiot he is.

EDIT OP I’ve changed my mind. He would either be rescinding the invite or he wouldn’t be coming with you either. He can go spend time with his mum and dad.

Do people really not communicate with their partners to this level? Or even know them very well?? This would not cross my husband’s mind, not ok OP!! This is your holiday, your time to relax with your family and do what you feel like without having to consider any one else (especially not his parents ffs). You need to get your ducks in a row with this man, he is walking all over you. How would he feel if you invited your extended family on your yearly holiday without discussing it?? He needs to rescind the invitation immediately and take the full blame for his parents hurt feelings. Good luck OP, I really hope you resolve this but unfortunately I have a feeling that you will give in. Stand up for yourself, it’s ok to say no 💪

you have complete autonomy to change this situation before it even gets off the ground, so what is the real reason you are going along with it?

This. Why on earth are you not shutting it down immediately-I think you're mad!

So silly to ask them what dates they are free, no idea why you thought that was a good idea!!

I don't understand why if you didn't want the joint holiday you asked them what dates. Surely you would leave this to your partner (and hope they are useless and forget) or just book the dates that work for you and then it's their problem if they then can't do that time or the hotel you book isn't to their liking.

Because I will look like the bad person, and he didn't say to them they can't come

I don't know either haha

I don't want to burn bridges with them.

I just want to get on with things and that's all really

He is lovely, and he is the dad of our children. He is just currently looking for work, going through a hard time.

I don't think we should be leaving our DH if they are having a hard time, and just need time to get back on their feet again

How did he have a hard time? How did he run up debts? Why wouldn't he be paying half your holiday anyway.

There are HUNDREDS of jobs out there. Sweeping the streets is a better option than no job.

I think you need to forget a holiday this year and concentrate on getting your finances in order.
Tell everyone you’re not going away until DH has a better job and paid down his dept .
I would rather have financial secretary for my family than a holiday your DH can obviously not afford.