DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

[Whatinthedoopla]

DH invited his parents on our annual leave destination. This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited, and he went on to invite them without consulting me.

I really don't mind going with them, as long as I get another time in the year to still go on a mini family holiday.

The issue is, money I tight, so we won't get this opportunity until the year after.

Should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

He is an idiot, how long are your holidays usually? If it’s not booked yet then make it a short one. It’s not their fault he invited them.

I'd hate this, no matter how well I got on with my in-laws. Holidays are a luxury, and if you are only able to get away as a family once this year - which is more than many families will manage - then who attends should be a joint decision. He shouldn't have invited them without asking you, and it is reasonable of you to want to prioritise reconnecting as a family unit if your life is busy.

I''d get him to uninvite them. It's a nice gesture of his but you can spend time with your in-laws in other ways.

Do they live far away ? Can they come and stay and bond at home

Are they going to expect you to pay?

I think it is very manipulative of your DH, he obviously doesn't have the money to pay for them (or any holidays for that matter) and knows you would say no if asked so he has found a way around it.. yuck.

No she did say not paying for in-laws

Yes, we do

Oh it’s much more fun going on holiday with extended family. I’m a single mum though only went away with ex and dc a couple of times. So usually go with extended family since being a single parent.

Yes if ours came with us when ours were little they expected to be waited on hand and foot and took the huff if we were doing something purely for the kids.

They loved the idea of seeing the kids and would try and cuddle and chat to them in short bursts. But the kids got bored and they got tired quickly. They also liked to lie in bed and expected us to keep the kids quiet while they did so and wait to start the day they also expected us to and the kids to wait and eat late stay up until after midnight with them.

Is really bonding the same as bonding?

Come on OP, just be honest you don't want them there! Just be honest - I don't blame you

This is what happens to us too

So does that mean they have been invited to come to your destination at the same time as you? Not actually holidaying WITH you as such?

I don't think I could get too worked up about it if it was separate accommodation, but if he invited them to stay within your accommodation without asking when he's not even paying or organising the holiday I'd be well pissed off!

Think of it as your children bonding with their grandparents, which is beneficial for all generations. It’s lovely your DP wants to spend time with his parents and you are fine with it. Any chance you could financially squeeze in a weekend away with the kids later in the year so you get your bonding time with them?

Obviously, DH needs to know he can’t invite people on a family holiday in future without discussing with you first.

I have noticed there are more and more partners putting their birth families first in today's society. It is bloody hard raising kids, I would say tougher than it was for the previous generation. Family bonding time is essential and should be protected, yet so many of my friends find themselves in this situation where they have obligations to birth families that override that. Yes, it is important to spend time with extended family, but time exclusively for yourselves should be protected and a partner that doesn't see this, will never see this and the stresses will continue.

I disagree. It used to be that generations of families spent far more time together than they do today. When I was growing up it was normal to have grandparents, aunts and uncles involved in day to day life, holidays and other activities. I spent nearly all of my school holidays with one grandparent or another, sometimes with aunts and uncles and have fond memories and close relationships with them as a consequence, along with my cousins. Modern life has fractured a lot of that, financial pressures, people moving away from the area they were brought up in, parents both working long hours and other pressures make it more difficult. I don’t see it as a bad thing to have a holiday with your wider family and for children to benefit from those relationships.

I didn't say it was a bad thing tipsyraven, in fact I said it was important. My point was that it shouldn't be prioritised over time as a family. Children need to feel the bond of a family unit as well as time with extended family.

Sh needs to sort this out and explain to his parents that they won’t be coming

he took it upon himself to make a decision before consulting everyone else travelling, logistics etc and has now found out the invitation is unfortunately not viable

he needs to deal with it

Silly husband = Sh

That’s the idea, that it’ll put them off coming along..

That’s the idea, that it’ll put them off coming along..

previous generations in my family didn’t have holiday , it was day trips to the seaside on the train. They didn’t live near each other either so day to day life wasn’t spent with extended family.

Just book different accommodations, like separate hotel rooms (far away from each other), I have invited my mother on a cruise/trip abroad this summer to join me and my partner.

I have specified that while we will spend a fair amount of time together, there will be days/time where we might not meet up until a certain time or might want to have a chill morning/day so she’s welcome to join with the expectation that she’s fully capable of self-entertaining if need be.

I would do the same with your PIL, make sure you have different sleeping quarters and just specify that there will be one night that will be a date night with your husband (they are welcome to baby sit if they want company or you are happy to keep the kids) and that you will forward them the activities/things you are thinking of doing each day and that they are either welcome to join or do their own things and you can meet up at breakfast/lunch and/or dinner if they would rather relax.

I organise a lot of family trips and that’s what I do, it’s stressful enough to organise a trip so I don’t want to be the entertainer, I make an itinerary that work for me and everyone is welcome to join or make an alternative plan to their liking. So far so good.

You don’t have to change your plans just because they join. Tell them what the plan is (including when your personal time will be) and have them adjust to the plan in a way that work for them.

With all your updates sounds like you are NOT being unreasonable at all.

I would tell DP to uninvite his parents asap. You pay for it all, they don’t help at all and he thinks it is ok to invite them without checking?

mad

why on earth would he think this is ok?

Oh I get it! Husbands side always did big holidays - in laws and the kids plus one or more of the aunts and uncles families plus kids. My jdea of hell. I did once say to dh in earshot of his mother that I went on holiday tomget away from people (including my family) not take them with us! I love them dearly but MIL faffs round all the time!!

He's selfish and stupid.
At the very least he should have ASKED you, and discussed it with you first!

Holidays with in-laws is most people's idea of hell and a waste of a good holiday, but adding anyone to a normal family holiday requires a discussion.

In all honestly, I would just book the holiday as was agreed with your DH - you and your children.
if his parents bring it up, say “oh, it hadn’t been discussed with me that you were coming. Maybe next time?”
and leave DH to sort the mess out.

1 person cannot just invite others on a group holiday (regardless of the group involved) without consulting the others, let alone the person who is paying!

maybe suggest your PiLs could take DH and the kids away at a different time?