DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

[Whatinthedoopla]

DH invited his parents on our annual leave destination. This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited, and he went on to invite them without consulting me.

I really don't mind going with them, as long as I get another time in the year to still go on a mini family holiday.

The issue is, money I tight, so we won't get this opportunity until the year after.

Should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

I don't really know why I am passive

Hang on......he has debt that takes up all his spare money so you are funding the holiday? He unilaterally decides to invite your inlaws on the family holiday? Are you going to say "yes but he's a really good Dad"??

It seems that there are lots of imbalance in this relationship with your OH that is causing you to hold and grow significant resentment. I think the holiday and his entitlement to taking what he wants without consultation is only the tip of the iceberg.

Why does he have debts and why is on a low wage with you supporting everyone?

am the one paying for it.

If it hasn't been booked, I would speak to them myself.

Unfortunately as we can only have one holiday this year due to DH's low pay and debts, we are going to spend it just the x of us. Perhaps we can do an extended family holiday in future but it's just not possible this year.

If he wants to spend time with them, he can go and stay with them for the weekend.

Be active about this. If you are paying, you call the shots.

Why has he got so many debts?

This will depend on your relationship with your ILs. I loathed mine so my DH would have had to choose between holiday with ILs and the DCs without me, or holiday with me and DCs without ILs.

If the holiday is going to go ahead with ILs, you have time to get what you want out of it. Make plans for you and DH time and ILs getting quality DGC time. Not necessarily in the evenings, but for at least a whole day. More than once. And you can also get quality you time where your DH the ILs and the DCs do something without you and you get to do whatever you like.

Me? i would be absolutely furious.

I mean if he’s said he wants to spend time with them, that’s important.

you don’t have to be in each other pockets the whole time. I get being annoyed at him not consulting you, but unless it was romantic break just the two of you, it should be fine.

agree one or two evenings to have dinner. And day where he spends it with them and you chill out alone maybe get a massage or go the spa.

Get him to do the organising, it’s not a rule that you have to do it.

I find it odd that you didn’t mention in your original post, that it was you -and not DH, who was expected to pay for them to come on holiday. That one fact makes a massive difference.
Instead, you said you didn’t mind them coming with you and asked if you should just allow that to happen. You also wanted reaction to your idea that you could just book for your own mini family and pretend they had never been invited….also rather odd IMO.

She won’t be paying for them. She will be paying for her family. PIL are paying for themselves.

But the OP wasn’t consulted. She does get to say if the ILS can come.
Some years we have holidays with our children. This is usually their second holiday and we pay. We always give them space and offer to babysit. Why wouldn’t we?
OP, I would go back to the ILs and you can tell them that this maybe your only holiday and you were not consulted.

I think it is fine for OP just to go ahead with just booking for her own family. She wasn’t consulted. If questioned later she should tell her husband ILs that she wasn’t consulted and her husband isn’t paying any money towards it.

If he had debts and you are for holiday maybe cancel it this year and say to in laws you can afford to go

and yes a mini holiday ??? It’s a holiday. No mini

Are his parents particularly elderly? Is he worried that they might not be around much longer?

I was wondering the same, only because I'm getting that from DH about his parents.

If you're the one paying for the holiday I don't know how you're on mumsnet asking people what to do when you should already have put your foot down with DH and told him to uninvite them from the holiday. he can tell them that you can do a joint holiday when he has saved up to do one with the extended family. Really OP, you need to be more firm with him as this sort of behaviour is ridiculous and needs to be nipped in the bud. he should not be making these sorts of decisions without discussing with you first. It will only get worse as the kids get bigger.

I think that’s the problem here though isn’t it, the DH isn’t paying for the holiday at all because he’s low earning and in debt. It might be one thing for him to invite his parents if he was saying he’s going to cover the cost from his own personal spending money, but in his case he sounds like he’s already a net taker financially when it comes to holidays.

Plus you do know it’s not the law for married people to combine finances on a day to day basis?

He needs to un-invite them. If he won't (he'll probably say it would upset them), then I'd be asking why is he happy to upset you, but is scared to upset his parents.

Why would that not make sense?

I either wouldn’t go or I’d simply not book it and we go on holiday another year.

I’ve done one holiday with ILs (BIL and SIL). It was our family holiday. The first we’d had in 2 years because of COVID. I really needed a bloody holiday. We didn’t really invite them. They live about an hour away from where we were going. We planned to meet up for lunch and a walk. They turned up with their f**king camper van, parked it in the drive of the holiday let and said, thought we’d join you! And then proceeded to stay for the rest of the week, with me running around doing all the food shopping and cooking and cleaning up after 2 extra adults, on my only holiday as I was teetering on the edge of a breakdown as it was.

No offers of childcare. No offers to contribute to the food shopping. I couldn’t even get them to pay for a bloody takeaway for us all. It literally broke me. It was 5 years ago and I’ve done my best to avoid them since. I do not visit or holiday with them. I send Dh and the dc on their own. We only holiday ourselves here on out.

They aren't too elderly, he just wants to spend time with them. I think this is great, and I am up for it.

I just really love our own family holidays, and we really get to bond as a family when we do go.

Time to put your foot down op or this could become a regular occurrence...

Given your update he can’t afford to go on holiday never mind invite his parents. He he do overtime or get a second job and pay off his debts?

That would be incredibly awkward and unfair. The in laws didn't invite thenselves, so why should they be put in the position of accepting they're there as unpaid staff, or refusing? Also it makes OP sound awful to be planning to use them that way, and why should she have to look entitled and an advantage taker to get out of a situation her H caused?
OPs H needs to uninvite them or OP needs to put up with them. Manipulating people who are in no way to blame here us wrong.

I think you should start your own thread so we can all be aghast at what a mug you were, rather than derail this one. I hope you've progressed a LOT in the last five years.

You can't just book and pretend they weren't invites, that's nasty behaviour.
Go on holiday with them, you might really enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, tell DH he shouldn't have invited them without consulting you and he's not to do it again.

Once again proof that some people in mumsnet live in a different Universe ( the OP ) not you Rosealea

How is a family holiday mini - do you have maxi family holidays as well as mini, what else do you call holidays?

Do you not get to bond any other time of the year?