DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

[Whatinthedoopla]

DH invited his parents on our annual leave destination. This is a holiday we take as a mini family, no one else is ever invited, and he went on to invite them without consulting me.

I really don't mind going with them, as long as I get another time in the year to still go on a mini family holiday.

The issue is, money I tight, so we won't get this opportunity until the year after.

Should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

They aren’t gate-crashing. They were invited by their son.

Your DH is totally unreasonable to invite his parents on your one annual holiday without checking with you first.

I assume that he did that on purpose as he knew that you wouldn't be happy so he has now presented you with a fait accompli and he thinks that you now can't say no. I'd be pretty cross with him.

If you don’t mind going with them the go along with it this time but tell your husband to ask you in the future

I am so contrary, I would just say ‘great, you all enjoy yourselves, I’ll visit my sister / friend/ somewhere that doesn’t have your parents’

You say you don’t mind, but starting this thread suggests that you do. That’s fine; it doesn’t make you a bad person, but you have to use your words to tell your DH that if this is the only holiday you are getting, it does not include his parents.

Does he envisage heading off for beers with his dad, while you and his mum sort dinner and the kids?

You need to ask yourself why he’s invited them and not even discussed this with you. Is he always the one to make decisions for the family, do you not get to be part of the decision making?

He invited them and you told him you didn't mind. It would be very rude of you to uninvite them or even to moan about it now. But he should have asked you before he'd invited them.

You need to have very very strong words with your husband. This is not something that he unilaterally gets to decide.

If you really want to be diplomatic, invite the in-laws to a weekend away at an Airbnb/ caravan park in the UK early in the year. Then book your main holiday as planned and keep quiet.

I am confused by some of your wording to describe the holiday. Do you mean this is your main holiday, going abroad? And that usually you have smaller holidays too but this year will only be going on one holiday in total?

I think it really depends on why he invited them. No I wouldn't want to go on holiday with my parents or the in laws, but maybe there is a reason. If you are going abroad somewhere they wanted to go and they said that, then maybe he didn't really think it through and just said well join us (especially if they are scared of travelling abroad and wouldn't want to do it alone).

Many people seem to be brushing over the - I would say rather huge - problem - that the husband made such a massive decision without consulting the op.
the op also doesn’t seem to be aware of what the families finances are for another holiday.

are you equals op?

Just book it and don’t book for them. Why is he doing that? Shitty behaviour or the start of not wanting to spend time with you. I would really want to know why.

Has he explained why he went ahead and invited them without speaking to you first?

Does he often make decisions that affect you without reference to you?

It seems your DH didn’t think to ask your views first because he knows you like them and wouldn’t object…which is true. Or at least half true as long as you get your mini family holiday too.

Under those circumstances where he has already asked them and presumably, they have agreed, it would surely be excruciating for him to have to uninvite them. I would never put him in that terrible position.
It was careless and thoughtless of him I agree, but I don’t see the need to make a family drama out of it.
Just talk about it properly for the future so that he knows the true strength of your feelings. Actually you sound disappointed rather than really upset and it seems not so much about them as preserving the mini holiday tradition.

Maybe you can ask them directly to give you some free alone time during the holiday….mini family holiday days out where they don’t come with you.
Or maybe you can manage to save for a short few days away somewhere together after all, towards the end of the year.

If they are not the babysitting type of gp I would gush about how you are really looking forward to being able to have some dinners out alone with dh and mention some daytime adult only activity into the bargain. Bet they suddenly change their minds.

Op - why don’t you know if you as a family can afford a second holiday?

Are his parents particularly elderly? Is he worried that they might not be around much longer? Obviously still not ok to ask them without agreeing it with you first. Maybe there could be a compromise e.g 2 smaller holidays? Though for me that would be dependent on his reasons for inviting them in the first place.

Is there a reason he invited them?

What are the planned financial arrangements? Is your DH trying to subsidise your family holiday? Alternatively, is one of them ill, does he want to support them?

He wants to spend time with them. This is very reasonable.

The issue I have is that I am the one organizing the holiday, I am the one paying for it. I value our family time a lot, because we rarely get any. I feel like if he wants us to go on holiday with his family, he needs to pay for it. Maybe this is the solution?

If my DH did this (which he absolutely would not without asking), I would say no, I am not OK with not having a family holiday this year and there is not enough money for two. I would then say either he can uninvite them - using money excuse above, or go with them without me. Also, I have a feeling despite his decision making the actual organising is left to you - so don’t! When he asks, refer to previous conversation about going without you and tell him to crack on. It probably means you don’t get a holiday this year but that might be the price to pay for teaching a very valuable lesson.

Why are you "the one" paying for it? Why is it not family money that pays for a family holiday?

Why do you always pay for the holidays?

Is he expecting you to pay for them as well?

Ah, well , you paying for it puts a different complexion on things.

So again, use your words, ‘ I don’t work to pay for your parents. So DH , either you pay, or they do’

But the light shed on your finances, suggests there’s a few issues that you & DH need to work through.

Separate finances are fine, as long as everyone pulls their weight. Does he pull his weight?

He is on really low pay at the moment, and all his money goes on his own debts.

I will not be paying for PILs

DH goes o holiday, all organised by him, with the children and his parents. You have a week to yourself. He will soon sort his mess out.

If he’s in debt and on a low wage I think you should forgoe the family holiday and save the money. Tell the PIL that you’ve decided not to go this year- problem sold.

Then maybe do something super cheap like camping or a short city break later in the year once you’ve saved some money.