Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

How are you in any way still attracted to this man?? He just sounds beyond awful

Steal her away and give her a lovely life 😢😢😢

ETA obviously not really. But genuinely 😢😢😢

I’m glad your sister has your back, then, and you’ve got real life support.

I’m an gastro registrar - medical doctor

Oh op the poor girl he’s really not the dad she deserves. Op one of the things you say to him is why did he think taking a child to the gym was ok she needs more than this from her father the gym would still be there tomorrow I can’t believe how selfish this twat is. He really doesn’t give a shit about her. Op was it him who pushed for marriage btw?

Families where one parent works long hours and the other does the childcare, have usually made a concious decision based on what both parents see as the best way for it to work. For example, one parent might be earning high salary and the other might actively want to be a stay at home parent. Sometimes neither parent wants to or financially can give up their career and they employ home help. Some people also decide that they want to be more present and one or both parents change jobs or take less hours.

In your case, this isn't your child, you never agreed to this, you also work full time and have your own career, your husband isnt earning so much that it doesnt matter and if he did then you would have hired nannies, and his childcare issues aren't your problem to solve.

Thanks for clarifying.

I really hope your conversation goes well for you and that you're satisfied with the outcome.

Poor girl. Nothing is getting between this man and his gym is there. He’s opted right out and fuck his daughters needs, and yours.

Owner or not he should abide by its rules. After all what is the worst that could happen? OP needs to get out. He isn't going to change. If he isn't the owner then he should not be on the premises with a child but we know that

I second this, and was thinking the same thing.

Sounds like you'd be a wonderful mum to her. Shame her own parents are so feckless.

You are right you shouldn't be raising someone else's kid without being a well paid nanny who's only job that is. Even if she was your daughter you shouldn't be doing most the work and you'd might as well be a single parent as he's so useless. I think your marriage is over as he doesn't sound like someone who cares for much except himself. This is so sad for the poor child but you can't sacrifice your happiness and career making up for her two sub-par parents.

If he has the brass neck to try and play the "why are you avoiding spending time with DSD" card, then I would tell him that you aren't. But that he is.

It's as evident as the nose on his face that he sees her as an inconvenience, to be passed off to other people, or dragged around and stuck in a corner of a gym with an iPad whilst he goes off and "networks".

I would also tell him that there is zero danger of this ever happening with your own baby, because he is a shitty father to his DD and it's shown you that having a child with him would be an epic mistake.

You are so successful and clearly kind and thoughtful. Why are you with this loser? He is a terrible father- his poor daughter. You can do so much better. Please leave him. You can’t have a baby with him - you will be trapped and it will break your heart to see him treat that child so poorly. He will never improve even if he promises otherwise. A stranger from thr street would probably show more care towards his daughter. He’s an awful man. Don’t believe anything he promises once he realises his free childcare is ending.

Honestly, OP - there is so much better out there. I say that married to a man who is a wonderful father. please hold out for better,for you, for any future children.

Does the gyms insurance even cover the little girl being there

you and the child are both amazing....you are a doctor, and care too much....which would be fine if you could not have kids and wanted to give this child everything good you can, but that is not the case, as it seems, you want your freedom and a normal decent partner, so.....I cannot see how this can go forward....

I'm not sure if you're married to this prick or not. I hope he's just your partner. Far easier to make an exit.

I'm glad that you're prepared for the inevitable blow back.

He'll pitch a fit when he finds out he's losing his unpaid nanny. What the hell will he do without you? Take parental responsibility? Poor wee lamb. 🙄

Good riddance. He's a bum. His ex sounds dreadful too. I feel very sorry for the little girl. But you're not her parent. And you can't stay just for her sake. 🙁

Wow this arseholes entitlement is next level. He'll have to take his daughter to the gym, on a school night, because you won't be back in time to look after her? Is he really thick or just deaf?

After all you have said to him he is still talking as if you have joint and equal parental responsibility. He couldn't tell you anymore clearly that he has no intention of changing.

What does he actually do at this gym? Sell fitness products? Talk to his mates/women? Is he even at this gym? Some have bars/dining so is he there promoting products?

Oh wow! So really full on at work for you then.
I am drained after a 7:30-5pm shift (called a short day shift!). How are you able to give so much to DSD (when you have a choice not too)? He is extremely lucky to have you but seems he chooses not to value that.
As a fellow medic, i can tell you that you need a partner who will contribute with their time, presence and brain space if you plan on having children and remaining in the profession.
I can tell you it doesn't get better. Been there, got the t-shirt.

You’re worth so much more than this poor excuse of a man and father. Sadly he will not change so go and live your best life.

You are such a strong woman, youre an inspiration, so many women limp along in unhappy marriages, youre taking the bull by the horns and facing it head on.And you're worth much more than been used as baby sitter by him, be prepared when you have a chat he might back peddle and say he will change.
Not to mention that poor little girl subjected to have to sit in a gym, I bet her mother doesn't know about this

Poor little girl, with 2 parents who won’t put her needs first. Your dh is a dreadful dad.

All the best OP xx

Sadly, I don't think you will make your husband see how unbelievably selfish he is. There's absolutely no reason why he needs to spend all these hours per week at the gym. You have no 1:1 time, because when he isn't at work, he's at the gym. He spends barely any time with his daughter, because he's not interested in her. All he's interested in is himself, and doing what he wants and when.

He made his daughter accompany him to the gym for hours over the weekend. He couldn't even forego going to the gym for a weekend, to spend time with her. I suspect he stuck her in an office with some colouring, and told her not to interrupt him or passed her to a female member of staff to look after.

When he lived with his Mum, she parented his daughter, and when he got together with you, he's passed that task onto you. The child's Mum isn't much better, passing her daughter over to your husband when it suits her. The poor little girl has two parents who view her as an inconvenience.

Do not under any circumstances have a child with this man. He won't step-up if you were to have a child together. You will be more or less a single parent, bringing up both children. He's a very selfish person, who should have never had children.

Leave the marriage. This will be your life, if you don't.

Just throwing in my tuppence worth.
Don't engage in conversations with him. He will try and twist it/guilt trip/bully you into doing what he wants.
Just disappear and be away out the house as much as you possibly can for a few weeks. Dont engage with him.
Then after a while, when the reality of his new reality has sunk in , maybe talk then and see what can change that would work for you both.

Let him sweat this one by himself for a good while. Don't rescue him or be a verbal punchbag to unleash all his frustrations on.