Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Good lord. He’s awful

Sorry I missed the previous post.. whats her mum like?

Just summarised your circumstances to my DH. He is appalled and quite embarrassed for him. Being a real man means being a proper dad, even when it takes you outside your comfort zone. I know it will be heartbreaking for you, OP, as you clearly love this child but I think drawing the line in the sand is well overdue.

Poor DSD and poor you. There are some fathers who only seem to start relationships with the objective of acquiring live-in childcare, because they’ve never seen parenting as their job in the first place.

I know you feel sorry for the poor little girl having two shitty parents, but you deserve to be valued for you and treated better than he apparently is doing. Who the fuck even eats in bed when their partner is trying to sleep except to make a point that you’re somehow falling short on your duties? Presumably you were supposed to stay up for him to return home, with dinner prepped and his slippers warmed, ready to meet his every need to the exclusion of your own.

Your DSD has been so lucky to have you in her life. At least she knows she’s worthy of love from all you’ve done for her.

Dumps her off on everyone when she wants to

poor little girl spending hours every day sitting at her dads gym.

That’s not a healthy environment and also his not thinking of her his making known at his gym a little girl is just hanging around with a dad who lets face it isn’t watching her. Groomers dream, make friends with dad get unlimited access to innocent little 5 year old to groom 🤢 while dads busy selling gym bro life.

His a shit dad and a shit partner.

If I was that child's mother I'd be looking at stopping contact as our child was only having meaningful contact with the step mother not their father which is the intention of 'contact'.

I guess the girls mother isn’t particularly bothered about her either

Oh he will have a sob story to tell... "I'm doing my best to create a life for us all, and to provide for us. I'm trying so hard to develop this side hustle. You have no idea how difficult it is and how stressed I am. I NEED to be at the gym to create the future we wanted. I thought we were in this together. Now you're letting us all down. How can you do this to [insert child's name]? You're taking her future away. She will be heartbroken..." etc etc.

Remember that none of that is true. It is a convenient picture story he is telling himself because it allows him to offload responsibilites to others and to behave like a single person (except with an adorable child, and someone to fuck).

He's a terrible parent, and I hope you can see that now that you've typed it out why he's divorced and why he should neve have had children. His poor daugher has to sit at the gym for hours on end so he can do his thing, and he thinks it's YOUR fault for not being there to look after her. Even though she's not even your child and he only has her on a part time schedule. He's awful!

Thank goodness you're not pregnant; please don't do subject another child to this 'father' !

You’re an amazing stepmum OP. What you’ve done for this little girl for all this time is amazing. I know this thread is about her dad, but from what you’ve said about her mum on your other thread, she sounds just as bad. This poor little girl has pretty much been neglected by both of the people in her life who are supposed to care for her the most, leaving you to pick up the slack. Please don’t allow him to guilt trip you by using this fact against you. You have gone above and beyond when you should never have been put in this position in the first place. No matter what happens now, don’t forget that. You matter, and you deserve so much more than to be treated as a live in babysitter/nanny/housekeeper for not one, but two utterly useless parents. Wishing you all the best OP, and I hope whatever comes from your chat is what is best for you, you deserve to put yourself first for once.

Unfortunately based on the OP’s posts in her first thread, the mother is just as bad. Dumps her daughter off on anyone and everyone, one of the main reasons OP ended up so involved was because the Mum would dump the little girl off with random neighbours constantly. She also mentioned the mum having brought several men into the home over the years, and that safeguarding (presumably via school) are already involved with the family due to one of the Mum’s previous boyfriends. So yeah, this poor little girl has not just one, but two shitty parents.

All those hours at the gym. That poor child. What a selfish pig. Thank god you never had kids with that swine. Do you ever wonder if he's only with you to offload her care into you?
He doesn't deserve either of you.

you have to leave this man ....it is not fair on you and that poor little girl

It’s fabulous to read a post where the OP has great boundaries and will defend them, but it’s a disturbing picture you paint @seasonofthebitch of this child’s life. If you decide to leave your husband I would really ask you to also consider going to social services about his “parenting”. You shouldn’t be kept in the relationship out of guilt but equally this child is being neglected- certainly her emotional and developmental needs aren’t being met when she’s her father’s responsibility, and I wonder about her physical needs too. Does he actually care for her in any way? You could make a report to the school, or could you use your position to contact the child’s GP and get them to make a referral to SS?

ETA this is going to be so hard for you, I am so sorry.

Sounds like he just wants someone to parent his child, not a relationship. He doesn't care about you. Get out now

this actually has to trigger proper safeguarding....apart from the safeguarding, both parents exercise parental neglect onto a child. The OP is a doctor....divorce that man and let him bear the full consequences

That’s awful. Poor DSD.

He could have made this a really lovely weekend just the two of them, and instead she’s just been dragged along to the gym 😢

Half of me really wants you to leave him but half of me feels so sad for her if you do!

But you can’t put up with this as a relationship - you just can’t be with someone like this.

unfortunately I am very close to giving such advice also and I have never even thought to do this ever before

little children need stability, regular food, tons of entertainment, going out, to play

As parents, we both have sacrificed our careers and social lives to be present for our children. DH took a local job at a much lowrr pay as he simply didn't want to be doing his previous high pressured job ehich involved him out at 7am and back at 7 or late nights, as he wanted to be there with the kkds, to support them, to talk to them, to take them to sports clubs and have dinner with them.
I also took a work from home job and an working lower than my paygrade to be there and look after them as we have very little other help at all.
If my DH acted like your DH then we would have been over a long time ago. He would be out the door tbh.
I think its ok to take yohr kids to work now and then if you work somewhere you can do this and have no other option. I know someone that has a barber shop and has their kids a hang out room out the back for when their mum is working and the shop can't be closed for example. That dad also takes his kids to loads of stuff and is very hands on as well as working.
But this is for when its absolutely necessary and its not the same as carrying on your life as if they aren't there at all.
Many of us parents work full time but change schedules and do reduced hours and earn less so we can be present.
Your DH has shown you who he would be if you had a child with him, at least you had a trial run before actually having a child with him.

When you get home and he informs you how inconvenienced he was by going to your sister and how 'burnt out ' he is, ask him about his day. When he says he had to take DSD to the gym for 3 hours, reply 'poor DSD, that must have been torture for her'...
Then ask what fun things he did with her, because it must have been great to have some Dad and daughter time together, Right? I bet he loved just the two of them having quality time together - Right? After all that 'networking', it must have been great just seeing her happy doing things she wanted to do? Right? Because after all, the most important thing is being a parent to her? Right? Tell him you can't wait to hear about all the exciting things he did with her in his 'full on day'. DSD must be exhausted too from all the fun he planned.

This man thinks absolutely nothing of you.

Op did you talk things through with your sister? What does she think?

OP actually said she is a medic, but hasn't clarified whether she's a doctor or not.

Medic is commonly used in the US and can mean anyone working in an Emergency department or as a paramedic and often in the armed forces.

Yes I did. She thinks he’s taking me for granted, being a shit father and acting like a teenage boy. She said he’s lucky I’ve been so attentive to DSD, loads of women wouldn’t consider being a stepmum let alone being so attentive. She said she’d leave him.

She has met DSD and is so shocked he’d not want to spend time with her. As am I, she’s a fantastic little girl,

Her sister thinks it's marriage-ending. So do I.