Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Exactly my question.

I really feel for your DSD. Two parents who don't really want her. You are right though to make a stand and stop providing all the care for her. Her parents need to step up.

Following as really interested in how he reacts to the "chat". Hope you feel able to update. Fwiw I think dsd is lucky to have you as he sounds lame, immature and self-centred. Let's hope he sees sense for her sake.

You sound great. He sounds ridiculous. Get in the bin and find someone on your level

There's often kids at the side of the class, as long as they're quiet no one seems to mind. One gym instructor said her kid learned the routines quicker than most clients!
Also, some gyms have kid clubs like dancing, football etc, or a soft play centre with trained nursery staff. It's a great idea as they enjoy themselves and helps with settling in nursery or school, and a lot of parents can't afford to pay for nursery or childminders just to nip to the gym for one hour, obviously I'm happy to pay for childcare when I'm working, but most parents wouldn't want to pay for a full session if they're just doing an hour workout.
Not the point of the post for you OP, but if this does help any parent reading it who wants to work out, it is worth posting. I get that exercise is really important for mental health, but OP, I still agree you shouldn't be an unpaid nanny!

Thanks for checking in OP. You sound really sensible and capable. I think you'd already realised how wrong this set up was before you first posted really, and you've been busy processing it since.

It sounds like DSD is already aware she is missing out on seeing her dad, even when you are there to paper over the cracks. Maybe you stepping back will be a step towards her parents doing better by her than they do at the moment.

I think he might see all this time at the gym as necessary and be convinced that you are the one at fault. You don't actually need to change his mind on this. Set yourself an "agenda" of what you a really want to achieve and don't get distracted into apportioning blame. What do you want tomorrow onwards to look like?

Fri evening at my DL gym has loads of unhappy children traing after selfish dads

he is a terrible father.

you would never be able to rely on him if you had a child with him

I don't think it's terrible for a child to sit quietly with a book or an iPad for an hour, amusing themselves while an adult does a class. Obviously in this case he's not bothering to do the actual entertaining of the child the rest of the time which is where the issue comes in.

He's a loser. He hasn't parented his daughter this weekend at all. He's spent all weekend at the gym. Does he think that's a safe or fun environment for her? I imagine he's demonstrating to you how terrible DSD life will be if you don't look after her. However, lovely she is, she isn't your responsibility. She's his responsibility. He is failing her. Hes acting like a single, childless person and palming her off on whatever woman will have her. He needs to grown the fuck up.

Walked into a shit heap of a house - toys everywhere, crumbs, dishes piled up in the sink. No toilet roll or bread/fruit for DSD packed lunch. Clothes from bath time still in the (full) bath tub.

I can’t even look at him. I’ve said he needs to go the shop to sort out DSD lunch and clean up from today. In spare room seething.

If he talks about networking again, going at 6 pm every night isn't networking. It's chilling with the bros and socialising. Networking would be going at different times of the day, so he sees all of his patrons and engages with different people. Seeing the same people at the same time every day offers no benefit to his business at all.

If you want to stay and to make some kind of structured compromise, I would suggest saying that you will have her for one evening per week and he has to do the other 2 or 3 that she is with you. AND he has to go to the gym later except on that one day, i.e. after she is in bed.

I would also say that your relationship with him can't be sustained if he is at the gym every day and you should have a couple of evenings a month for just the two of you.

I don't think he will be willing to give up his gym evenings, so you should act appropriately.

He seems to be expecting you to walk in full of apologies because he’s so tired. I’d go in the complete opposite direction. My marriage to this man would definitely be over because he’s awful - I would think this is classic narcissism isn’t it?
‘I am absolutely horrified that you took Chloe to the gym. That is piss poor parenting on a different level. Why didn’t you do something fun with her? It is so unbelievably selfish. This weekend has shown me that you are the most selfish person I have ever met. Add to that your sexism is shocking. I would never ever inflict you as a father on my own child, so our relationship is over. Fuck off you utter loser. ‘

God he’s pathetic. Stay in the spare room.

He's punishing you for daring to be absent. He's also demonstrating how much he's struggled all weekend. Poor little lamb can't do the basics required to live for 48 hours. Don't touch any of it. It's his mess.

He's not even trying. That's how little respect he has for you.

He's a shit husband, and shit father, thank fuck you have woken up to this before getting pregnant by him.

What more do you need to know?
He will not change.
As far as he's concerned, you have to do all this stuff.
I bet he thinks it will be business as usual once you've got over your little tantrum. I expect he'll try to guilt trip you about how you are being mean to his daughter.

He wants a full time nanny, cook and cleaner with extras on the side.

What do you want?

Beyond weaponised incompetence.

He clearly can't parent or adult alone.

I would go heavy with the "aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

In his life, having a child has changed nothing: he is still the most important priority.

Having a child means SHE needs to be put ahead of him.

What seems to have happened is that he sees that she needs to be put ahead of you, but is totally resistant to sharing the load.

I’m sad your relationship is over, but I’m pleased you have realised this before having a child with him.

I just can’t imagine why an intelligent, independent, caring woman like you has ended up married to a misogynist bore. What kind of life must you both have with him going to the gym between 3-5 hours a day? Sounds absolutely mind numbingly dull.
Then to top it off it sounds like you do all the housework even though you’re a doctor?
Have you lost your senses??
You deserve so much better. Get the hell out of there and thank your lucky stars you don’t have children to tie you to the loser forever.

I think you’re done. What a selfish bastard he is.

THIS.

That poor little girl. I am really cross on behalf of her and you.

I read your last thread but am just catching up. I guess I wanted to say don't fall for the guilt trip. Cos that's what he will do next to try to guilt trip you into taking on DSD. Also you have a full on career (even PT it's hard!) you don't need to have to look after another man child. (And believe me, theres alot of them in medicine!) Just take a deep breath and concentrate on yourself for once. Taking a breather from him (even just a break, or at least tell yourself that now if you need to) doesn't mean you can never ever be in this child's life ever again. Just pass your number to her mum and say - if you ever need a bit of help or if she asks when she's a teen. I'm here. But I'm here for me and her not because of him.