Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

The OP is getting ready for divorce and he knows this...seems people here did not perceive it from the last update

You’re not sad as you’ve just realised a while ago it was over and once the curtain has lifted nothing will bring that back as he kept cementing his fate by showing who he truly is.
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Have a fab rest of your career and you will be an amazing mum to another child of that’s what you wish.

The idea that he could have sold his business within a few days would be comedy gold, except I'm not up for making fun of your situation.

I appreciate the update, which you absolutely don't owe us. Reminding you that you are strong and have absolutely got this.

Now he's lovebombing.

"That is the sad thing a lot of men don't realise until it's too late.
That once women's feelings switch off, nothing switches them on again. We warn, try, and then if that is ignored and disrespected - we are done."

Yeah, that reminds me of the adage: Men think women will never leave, women think men will change. Both are wrong.

maybe crazy cat ladies aren't as crazy as we thought , Kitties are cute and faithful and always there for you and never lie to you x

Honestly, he’s just proving that he knew exactly what he was doing and what OP wanted in the first place, but until he genuinely believed she was about to leave, he operated under the assumption that she was “lucky to have him” and would tolerate this forever. If he were to reel her back, then he would repeat this behaviour because it’s harder to leave after a reconciliation -Sunken cost, further erosion of self-esteem and fear of humiliation (other people’s opinions) and retribution. He is guilty of dinning a “nice man” costume to love bomb and manipulate, but it is not his core self. I am pleased OP is strong enough not to be reeled back in with Oscar-worthy performance.

@seasonofthebitch I had emotionally stepped away from my marriage as it was awful for so long... so l didn't feel sad either.

A bit scared of what the future would bring as we had 2 DC that were staying with me.... but ultimately it was a feeling of relief.

So frustrating that he's suddenly prepared to make changes now, when you're threatening to leave. But not when you were ill or tired or asking for his help.

I’m very proud of you for standing up for yourself.

He’s realised he’s going to have to find a replacement for you, or a nanny, OP pdq, he’s not going to find that easy, is he?

@seasonofthebitch Please don't count on his sudden "change" to last. I have witnessed this in a professionnal capacity; man is realising that he's about to lose everything so he makes drastic changes and becomes very sweet - lovebombing stage. Once he realises the woman will go through with the separation no matter what he will show his true nasty self; guilting if there are children involved/threatening suicide/verbal and/or physical assault.

Just be prepared for the worst OP and make sure you have got copies of documents and a safe place to go if it gets ugly.

Yep, you’re a clever strong woman who can see that he’s now desperate to keep his lovely, caring wife who does all of the hard work for him at home while still earning good money. However, there’s nothing in it for you. Now you’ve seen his true lack of love for you. Sending you strength.

Good for you Op. Put yourself and your future first in this.

And remember, mush as we on MN are invested in your thread, for you it’s real life, and you do not owe us updates.

Your story is similar to my relationship in lots of ways. I never did get sad after the actual break up, with hindsight I’d already done that, and grieved throughout the relationship itself. Once the emotion went, I wasn’t a doormat any more, in fact I suddenly found my exes points in arguments hilariously ridiculous. But I’d fallen for them for years. Ironically as soon as I started standing up for myself, he seems to respect me far more, and we get on better now than we did before. I’m fairly sure he wants me back, but not a chance I’d have him. I’ve seen who he is, and I’m worth more. As are you.

You can tell him that all the effort he's willing to put into your marriage he should put into being a good father to his daughter. Maybe he should go to counselling himself to talk about how he can be a better Dad and unpick why he's been so shit up to now.

I strongly suspect that what PPs have said is true - this is the lovebombing phase and he'll change but who knows, maybe he'll actually listen.

Even if he only changes in so much as he does the parenting basics enough not to look like a neglectful parent it would be better for your DSD.

His "day job" must bring in plenty of money already: it's not like he's NMW and working 2 jobs to make ends meet. The gym business was literally eating up every moment at home with OP and his daughter. Did he even ask or consult her about whether she was OK with barely ever seeing him?

What child has ever said they loved their parent working all hours because they had nice toys and designer clothes ? This poor child is growing up getting the message from both parents that she's in the way, an inconvenience, not someone they want to spend time with, that other things, jobs, money, boyfriends are all much more important than her. Neither of her 2 parents is prioritising her and her needs. It's not enough to put clothes on her back, a roof over her head and food on the table: her sense of safety and her emotional needs are being badly neglected here. I think OP when you have your own kids you'll realise what a pair of horrors these 2 are as parents and that you had a lucky escape that you didn't choose him as a father fir your kids.

If he's a consultant and can work 9-3, why does he need to spend so many extra hours on another 'business'?!

It’s too late, you told him you were unhappy and he refused to listen. He’s only listening now because your unhappiness affects him.

He could be forgiven if he was stupid or if this was his first marriage (I’m assuming he was married to his daughters mother) but he’s far from stupid, his actions point to someone who is merely fucking selfish.

Get out now. I don’t know if you want children with this man but he’s definitely proven that, as a father, he’s never going to be any less selfish.

I wonder if the business really is a business or whether it's got tits.

They always do, and then revert back to type within a few weeks.

Well if it's the latter, there'll soon be efforts to bring it onboard to Free Childcare Ltd, which will fold soon if a merger or acquisition deal isn't found.

Bottom line is his go to is to screw women over and use them as skivvy aupairs.

His mother, now you.
He doesn't care less about his child, just as long as he lives his life unbothered.

He's crying for himself, not OP.
He had no interest in spending time with her.

He's 100% crying for himself because he under estimated OP.

He thought she was so foolish that she could be used and he could live his life exactly as hd pleased.

He is crying for the fact that HE will be inconvenienced.

Certainly not for his child who he couldn't give a shit about.

His regret and tears are all about him.

If OP was my daughter I would be so thrilled she has woken up finally that she is a pawn in his big important life.

He will not change.
This is who he is.

He might pull back slightly but he will always be looking to use and screw her.

He also is a rapist as coercive sex is more abuse of the OP.

This is a really bad man.
Possibly a covert narcissist.

Get away OP.
Don't fall for any of his promises made out of desperation to keep you stuck as his skivvy.

He’s crying for himself.

Watch and see how quickly he gets nasty once he realises you’re finished.

He’s finally realised what he’s about to lose. Too little too late though.