Dh always irritated by Dd

[Nowheretoputallthetoys]

She is 7 and possibly Nd. She’s an amazing girl-bright, kind, fun, excitable, but she can be intense and very hyper at times.
Dh just can’t seem to accept her being herself, always telling her to calm down or stop running around, always to just sit down, even when she’s just playing. I said to him she’s just a child, only 7 and to get off her case basically. He has zero patience and reacts strongly almost straightaway sometimes. She can be impulsive and threw part of her banana on the floor and the skin over the sofa and laughed-yes v annoying and I told her to pick it up which she did. Dh just walking past, pulling awful faces, shaking his head, tutting etc, just creating an atmosphere where we can’t relax

Am I in the wrong here?

Well yes, because how else is she going to learn?

From what you say OP, if those behaviours only happen when she is ill with Pans/Pandas, then it doesn't sound like it's her fault, and in that case your husband is being unreasonable. Have you been able to access support and treatment for her condition? Have you both been in touch with the PANS;PANDAS charity to see if they can offer any support?

Idont t know anything about pans but I have an nd child. I find a consistent routine helps with time to burn energy appropriately (like park, trampoline etc) you could get her a mini trampoline to jump on in the house for example rather that allow running through the house. Set meal, bedtimes and opportunities to regulate (whatever works)
We had to pick our battles so stuff like tidying up / manners/ interrupting get a gentle reminder if forgotten. We only discipline for big stuff so like hitting, throwing things, being rude . We tend to go for a warning to correct the behaviour with a reminder ds will lose 5/10/15 mins of gaming time. So not a huge punishment (big punishment gives no incentive to behave) but enough for him to try to stop the behaviour because ultimately he has to grow up knowing he can’t hit people or say rude things otherwise how will he manage in adulthood? I never punish a meltsdown though.
By shouting/losing his temper your dh is showing an inability to emotionally regulate and he is role modelling negative behaviour to your dc. He needs to learn techniques to manage his own emotions better and to educate himself around parenting because his behaviour is unacceptable with any child. What he is doing will impact on your DDs self esteem and ability to regulate her own emotions.
Your example of the banana I would have done what you did and remind her not to do it again.

You dont have to punish her but making excuses isnt parenting. She needs to learn what is acceptable behaviour. No wonder your husbands shaking his head!

Making excuses?!!

Would you punish a person with dementia or make sure that they knew their behaviour (which they couldn’t control) was unacceptable?

If you read what i said properly, you will clearly see i stated you don't have to punish but obviously you have to be dramatic 🙄

You need to parent and teach her right from wrong not just say "well she cant help it so she can do what she wants".

See, this is exactly it, it’s not dramatic at all and your repeated response shows how ignorant you are to this and how you have absolutely no idea.

I’m going to guess the op doesn’t just say ‘well she can do what she wants’🤣 but if her child is acting out of character due to illness/ND then she is most certainly not going to listen to ‘parenting’ in that moment, especially if shouted and tutted at.
Bless her she sounds like she was dis regulated at that moment in time and it’s usually the parent that’s suffers with dis regulation themselves that cannot cope and a lot of the time will refuse to educate themselves on what may be wrong so it is a tough road because you may be trying to manage a child and then also the other parents emotions.
wising you all the best x

Did anyone say it WAS your DD's fault? The point is, he can't turn it off any more than she does. It pisses him off. As someone with severe issues with noise and overstimulation, I have to try so, so hard not to snap when DP/DSS are making a lot of noise.. including watching different things on different devices at the same time. It makes me want to cry and go and lie in a dark room.

If they do both have ND issues, little things need to change to help them both. Hopefully if she can get a diagnosis this can start.

I disagree with this slightly. He ‘should’ be able to turn it off more than her as he is a grown man and she is a 7 year old who is still learning. You seem to be making a conscious effort not to snap and are very aware. It seems he is not aware.
You are absolutely right about change, more so him. Starts with the parents coming together and being on the same page.

Exactly this, thank you ❤️

It’s ok to tell your child off for behaviour, even if she is ND. My daughter has autism and ADHD (diagnosed quite young) and I am strict with her. Not horrible or snappy, but if she’s throwing food on the floor I’d tell her to stop immediately and if she’s repeating the same phrases (very common!) I remind her that we’ve heard her.

I think it’s important to remember that your child has to be at school as well, you don’t want them to isolate themselves.

My DD has complex needs and is ND, I wouldn’t have let her get away with that aged 7. We have to try and bring our kids up to fit in the wider world, even with their struggles. She may find it harder to regulate than neuro typical children but you have to try and teach her that certain behaviour is not acceptable gently, but with boundaries.
She’ll get more invites and play dates if she knows how to behave and regulate. Or understand basic expectations.

Pans Sen no Sen.

You and your dh either need to come up with a plan as a term or accept your relationship will fail.

Because the version right now will fail.

Your DH's annoyance is misplaced. The issue is it sounds like you are not a team. Yes, she is at times unwell, and shouting and criticising her is unfair, but it also sounds like you also just let her run riot and there are no boundaries at all, so you're totally at odds. He probably feels a bit helpless. He has to just put up with the noise and chaos and can do nothing about it, so eventually he's snapping, which of course makes things worse.

Getting on the same page with parenting is going to be important here as a consistent approach between the two of you will help your DD feel calmer and safer. Some family therapy may help, or doing something like AutPlay or filial therapy which is play and connection based, affirming and supportive and can help parents attune better to ND kiddos. Can help with emotional regulation too - for everyone. The book "2 4 6 8 this is how we regulate" by Tracy Turner Bumberry is a good one to look at ways to calm a child's nervous system and some of the exercises are good for ND grown ups too!

Why didn’t you mention the PANS / PANDAS in your first post? Is your DH on board with the diagnosis? Does he understand it? And is he on board with what your dd’s doctors have prescribed for her treatment?