Dh always irritated by Dd

[Nowheretoputallthetoys]

She is 7 and possibly Nd. She’s an amazing girl-bright, kind, fun, excitable, but she can be intense and very hyper at times.
Dh just can’t seem to accept her being herself, always telling her to calm down or stop running around, always to just sit down, even when she’s just playing. I said to him she’s just a child, only 7 and to get off her case basically. He has zero patience and reacts strongly almost straightaway sometimes. She can be impulsive and threw part of her banana on the floor and the skin over the sofa and laughed-yes v annoying and I told her to pick it up which she did. Dh just walking past, pulling awful faces, shaking his head, tutting etc, just creating an atmosphere where we can’t relax

Am I in the wrong here?

Are you sure she really can’t help throwing something on the floor or she just gets a pass from you?

I agree!

What is PP?

At seven, she can absolutely control herself enough not to throw half-eaten food all over the floor. If not, there is something else going on (either poor parenting or some kind of behavioural or developmental issue).

What's PP?
I've got an autistic child with development delay. He can't help having a melt down when he is overstimulated in a supermarket. I don't punish him when he is crying and panicking, that he can't help and he needs understanding and calm in them moments.
He probably wouldn't understand throwing food and laughing is socially unacceptable and is disrespectful, he wouldn't known until being told repeatedly that it was wrong and having to face consequences for it. There's no excuse to not parent your child, disrespectful behaviour for fun needs parenting out of children. Even more so if they're SEN because it takes them longer to learn.

I agree with the pp, she can absolutely help throwing food around, she just isn't being brought up not to. I think you are being unreasonable here and need to do a better job parenting her.

7 is still so young and yes can be a hyper age, but at the same time you worry where the line is between kids being kids or others seeing your kids as out of control. I’d say your dh just wants her to settle down, but he’s kind of wishing her older in a way? I don’t think there’s an easy answer tbh!

I think it really depends on the behaviour - running around and being noisy and throwing food is annoying and I'd probably tell her to calm down too, especially if it's getting towards the end of the day. It's fine for children to let off steam but after dinner was always 'quiet time' for my kids, basically winding down at the end of the day, playing quietly or reading stories, doing jigsaws or lego, not charging round the house! You and your DH need to decide on your house rules and be on the same page. In my experience, if your child sees you not presenting a united front, they soon learn to play one parent off against each other!

Yes I’m really sure

Pans/Pandas-it causes the behaviour, therefore she cannot control it, should she be punished for that

Why do you think she can't help it?

So what's your solution? Let her run wild with no discipline?? No wonder your DH is pissed off. The teen years will be fun and no doubt your marriage will he fractured if not over by then!

You said a few posts ago that you don't know but just guess that PP makes her behave badly ("it’s hard to know if this causes the behaviour"). Now you know for sure she can't control her behaviour? What did you learn since starting the thread?

Rubbish, it sounds like he just plain doesn't like her to me. How are passive aggressively pulling faces, tutting and rolling his eyes helping anything? How is that parenting? He might not be able to help feeling over whelmed by her energy/behaviour but he can certainly help the passive aggressive nonsense. She picked up the banana as soon as she was told so what was the issue?

Telling someone to 'calm down' never makes anyone feel calmer, it's just a stupid thing to say. It sounds like she could do with being out more at clubs, swimming lessons or at the park burning off energy, is that a possibility OP?

Why does her diagnosis mean she has to throw food on the floor and that she's immune from discipline?

OK you’re both wrong!

His tutting and harrumphing is terrible. Your passive nonsense is too. It’s closer to fine but not there. She may be impulsive and can’t help that. She can be taught to immediately solve whatever she broke, effectively. I never criticised or grasped at DD with ADHD. I did instantly work with her to fix things. There were red lines of course like hitting. But anything impulsive would be her working out how to fix it. Natural consequences. To the point where, by about six, I could say “DD?” and point at the mess or whatever, and she would go and get the tea towel.

Work with your DH to develop consistent, loving, boundaried parenting.

Of course you can still tell her not to do this. How on earth else will she learn?

Sounds like you are a gentle parenting mum.

7 and still throwing food around.
Running up and down the home.
Hyper being loud.

Sorry op but your child would irritate and annoy me.
Having some sort of sen dont mean you get to act like a twat.
And it sounds like you allowe it because sen.
You keep telling her that she can't help it she as sen, she will think she can get away with anything.

Whatever her difficulties, you are doing this poor child an enormous disservice by not teaching her how to behave. That just sets her up for the anger of others later on
No one is saying you have to come down overly heavily on her but to just shrug and accept her chucking food around and to complain that her father has the temerity to roll his eyes does make you sound exceptionally weak as a parent

Its only a snapshot of course but you doubling down on the ‘she shouldn’t be punished’ line certainly makes it look that way

Both parents sound passive. The dad is getting visibly annoyed but he isn’t actively patenting her either.

There has to be some compromise here. She shouldn't be punished harshly but she needs some guidance and support to control some of the behaviours at least.

So she has a condition like this: https://panspandasuk.org/what-are-pans-and-pandas/

As said above

At least he knows it’s not right. The mother is just defending the kids behaviour. So she’s not going to change. Useless.

I’d imagine this is what he’s also shaking his head at. The complete lack of reaction

I mean it’s hard to distinguish between that or Nd or both at play at times. Please, there is no need to be so rude, this is a really challenging thing we’re going through.