Dh always irritated by Dd

[Nowheretoputallthetoys]

She is 7 and possibly Nd. She’s an amazing girl-bright, kind, fun, excitable, but she can be intense and very hyper at times.
Dh just can’t seem to accept her being herself, always telling her to calm down or stop running around, always to just sit down, even when she’s just playing. I said to him she’s just a child, only 7 and to get off her case basically. He has zero patience and reacts strongly almost straightaway sometimes. She can be impulsive and threw part of her banana on the floor and the skin over the sofa and laughed-yes v annoying and I told her to pick it up which she did. Dh just walking past, pulling awful faces, shaking his head, tutting etc, just creating an atmosphere where we can’t relax

Am I in the wrong here?

You don't know that, you're assuming it.

Of course she can exist and play and run and be silly.

None of that involves chucking food on the floor and giggling about it.

Well you should have led with that three pages ago then!
Now you just look like you are making up excuses to strengthen your argument

I wrote that punishing (and shouting at, getting angry etc. as you wrote) are not necessary for good parenting, so nope.

Natural consequences- absolutely.

Op of course it's fair to punish her! Medical issues or not, there needs to be clear consequences for bad behaviour!!

You just keep making excuses. She might be ND, she has PANS, she ate too much sugar yesterday (why was she allowed that much sugar then?), excuse after excuse.

No matter what the cause you parent your child, teach them what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. There are many parents with sick children and children with severe learning difficulties and they parent their child, they don't use their child's condition as an excuse not to step in and set boundaries.

Do you ever impose consequences for poor behaviour? Do you ever say no to her or tell her to stop what she's doing?

You shouldn't be criticising your dh, at least he's making some attempt as you initially said he tells her to calm down, stop running around and you don't like that he's doing that! Almost everyone has told you that you need to change, why can't you see that?

This sums it up for me.

Lots of people have children with autism, or ADHD, or other health difficulties but they still impose consequences and teach their DC that they can't do certain things. Unless your child has no understanding (which is clearly not the case) you can impose consequences for her behaviour, even with her diagnosis.

Sometimes I struggle with my ds (age 5) like this, to be honest.

He is lovely really but very full on; charges at things at full pelt, gets worked up very easily into an almost manic state, won’t take no for an answer, can be very argumentative.

We wind one another up a lot. I have to really work hard not to get irritated with him.

He is better on his own (I have a two year old as well.)

Is she ND or.... a kid? She sounds like a fairly normal kid with a load of energy to me. Yeah, throwing a bit of banana, silly, but kids are silly often and she was a good girl, picking it up when asked.

Hubby's reaction, does it mean he is ND? Or a grumpy man who actually, doesn't like the noise etc that a child brings. I've known plenty of both types of people during my lifetime and tbh, tutting, pulling faces and shaking his head is grumpy old man behaviour, repeated no doubt up and down the country!

She needs boundaries, be ND or not to help her through life, but also nice rewards for doing well. For example, personally speaking running indoors for children should be a no. For fear of them hurting themselves mainly, tripping, head through a TV or a glass panel or even breaking accidentally a household item. So for every day she does not run around, she gets a star on a chart towards a treat of her choice. Take her out daily to burn off energy - she's 7, she will have tons of energy, keep the house calmer to help her and hubby, and by default you.

Op please ignore some of the above posters. Many are just blissfully ignorant on how difficult raising a non ‘typical’ child is and I don’t think they mean any offence.
I was one of these and would absolutely have mirrored their opinions once upon a time and then my second child arrived. I have to parent them twice as hard as my first and it’s exhausting. I’m sure you are doing the best you can and your husband’s behaviour is not going to help. He needs to grow up and step up. I wish you all the best because it is bloody difficult.

Usually if she’s in a flair

Don’t do that

There's no excuse for throwing food at that age. She absolutely knows she shouldn't be doing that because I bet she doesn't do it at school.
I have a 5 year old with severe autism and even he knows we don't throw food. It took ages but I wasn't going to let him just think it was okay to throw food around.
I don't agree with DH she should be quiet all the time but it's fine to say we are having 30 minutes chill out time, then we'll go out. Sitting quietly can be a calm 1:1 time too. If your DH does puzzles or colouring with her maybe they will bond a bit more.
If she's hyper are you (and DH) taking her out every day so she can run around and burn off some energy? DS is much worse if he hasn't been out at least once a day.

If she ND or at least displaying the signs and not diagnosed, how do you know what parenting an ND child is, if you are not sure she is or not, she is not ND. About him, is he ND or not, he is not. Your life is hard work with two ND relatives....brace yourself because it IT IS NOT easy

Thank you so much. It’s laughable reading all the comments and really unkind. I hope none of them are ever in the same situation

Do what? It's true. I'm not saying your DD doesn't have the diagnosis.

How does your husband parent her when they are on their own? Does she behave differently with him?

My 3 year old niece wouldn’t throw food like that. I’m shocked that a 7 year old would do that. Maybe her behaviour is getting a bit too much and your DH is a bit fed up?

I hope to god you never have to go through what millions of families are around the world. You are doing a dangerous and harmful thing by questioning the validity of those suffering.

🙄 Whether your ‘Three year old niece’ would or wouldn’t throw food has nothing to do with any of the above

He shouts and gets angry, she gets worse

I haven't questioned anything - all I said was that it was a controversial diagnosis.

For a lot of children, consequences (even ‘natural’ ones) aren’t massively effective. They don’t make them reflect on the error of their ways; they make them angry and frustrated which exacerbates the situation.

I am not going to say I have the solutions here as my own ds (age 5) is like this. I certainly don’t let him do as he wishes but any sort of consequence usually leads to him feeling most aggrieved and wronged (and being very vocal about this.)

Consequences aren’t everything. They are only effective if they work.

Sounds like you as mum excuse and accommodate her behaviour on the basis of a maybe she’s ND and dad doesn’t understand your approach is utterly fed up with your approach and taking it out on your DD.

easy to judge a situation you’re not in but not being on the same page on parenting your child is harmful for you all.

only you know what steps need to be taken to get her a diagnosis. I’d work towards that asap for all of your sakes.

Getting a diagnosis isn't going to change anything. OP won't suddenly get loads of support just because her child has a diagnosis. I stupidly thought we'd get support when DD was diagnosed with autism and when DS was but they tell you your child has x and that's it
Regardless it won't change the behaviour. OP still won't be worried by it and DH will. Maybe the issue is communication between the parents.
You both need to decide what is okay and what isn't. Have clear rules and boundaries.. Maybe even some sort of timetable around getting up. meals, quiet time, outside time etc. If your DH is ND this might help him with managing DD. However it will only work if you're on the same page about what's okay and what's not.