To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

I think five days is fine - can you ask her to wear a face mask maybe?

Or, just ask that she doesn’t hold the baby (probably ok to say is just a general rule given NICU stay and general fragility?).

If you have an older child your baby is going to be exposed to all sorts of germs anyway.

your eldest isn’t keen on the visits because you have taught them that you don’t like their visits

coughs can linger for months

She will not wear a face mask (or will make weird comments the whole visit about it, it’ll make my husband uncomfortable and he’ll inevitably tell me my boundary was too much) and she will insist on holding the baby as that’s the whole point of the visit for her. @midnightpatrol

5 days out she is no way currently infectious. She is the babies father’s parent. Maybe he needs ‘cheering up and supporting? I don’t think you should stop this visit. It could cause ongoing bad feelings. If your DH wants them to come they should come.

5 days symptoms free is fine

it kind of sounds like you are looking for an excuse…

Yanbu. I agree with the other poster who said get her to wear a mask if she wants to come

You just don’t like her .. be honest with yourself about why you don’t want her to visit, as the “cough” excuse is pretty poor.

People can carry viruses into your house (including your parents) without showing any symptoms.

If you’re not comfortable with 5 days after an illness then ok but you need to decide what are you comfortable with so you can tell her that. A week? 10 days? Keep in mind though that coughs can linger for a long time and there’s also the option of wearing a face mask.

Yeah I think you're letting your clear dislike for you MIL shine on through here. I think you need to swallow that down and not make a mountain out of a molehill with this. Your parents have met baby, let your partners mum visit. Ask her to wash hands/disinfect etc and ask for no kisses.

5 days clear off a cough?

That’a fine. People are infectious before and at the early stages, not after tail end of symptoms.

I would just call her up & say openly that you really want to see her, but that you are terribly worried given her recent cough, & baby’s stay in NICU, and you’d like to hold off for a week. Then call her several times in that week to update her on baby - this will show you want to include her, while also allowing you to assess the cough.

I do not think you are being unreasonable - infectiousness declines gradually & if she’s still coughing she may still be shedding some virus. I’m not a health freak but in your circs would be cautious. After a further week though I would assume ok & not wait (possibly months!) for cough to go entirely.

@Britta26 no chance of face mask and she will insist on holding baby as that’s the whole point of the visit for her

Say you don’t like your mil without saying you don’t like your mil.

Honestly anyone who visits could be asymptomatic and infectious, 5 days post cough she’s likely to be over the germ spreading stage by a good while especially if it’s just the after cough rather than the start. If she was mid flu with a temp and fever that would be different!

You’re protective of your new baby, who wasn’t well - that’s totally understandable! Let DH sort her drinks etc and just relax. It’s going to be a purely social call, she’s meeting a new family member, I think it’ll be over and done with quicker than ruminating about it and delaying the visit.

Ok then what would you like us to say

She's desperate to meet her new grandchild, as any doting grandparent would be. You're treating her as an inconvenience and it's cruel.

How more obvious dp you want ot to be, you hate her i am sure everyone knows there will always be excuses you can come up with, if my husband pulled this with i would not exactly be polite about it and no the new mum excuse doesn't wash forever

She won't be infectious, that time has passed. Your baby is far more likely to catch a virus from your older child (who goes to nursery?)

Boundaries are all well and good but there is no logic to that one. If it was first day of a cough/cold and she was sneezing and spluttering everywhere you might have a point.

If this were your mother would you be saying the same?

“Everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents ‘
says it all in a nutshell . You are biased . Your partner is right and he is entitled to have his parents come .

Clearly the unpopular opinion here, but if you aren’t comfortable with a visit yet I think that’s more than enough reason to ask for longer.
There’s too much pressure on new parents to prioritise other people’s feelings over what’s best for recovering parents and lack of immunity in newborns.

I think YABU. I recently had the flu and I am now fever free for two weeks with a lingering cough because I’ve got a little bit of congestion. It’s totally possible for that to be the case.

Peak virus spreading is before symptoms even show! So your parents could just have easily brought in a virus unknowingly.
Let your poor MIL visit and make your DH host.
Residual cough is a thing, but not infectious..

My dts were in nicu for 5 weeks so I get the anxiety.
I also don't like my mil, I really can't stand her.
That's no reason to stop her seeing her grandchild though, as pp have said, this is your DH mum. He gets to have a say too.
I'd just get it over and done with tbh.

If you make your dislike of your MIL as clear to your husband as you do on here things are going to be tough. Yes you have given birth and had a baby in NICU (I’ve been there. It’s scary) but he will need emotional support to support you best too. His mum is likely much less infectious than your other DC.

make the visit short. Be friendly. Give her the cuddle she wants.