To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

New borns simply don't have immune systems hence a mothers very natural reaction to people visiting with germs

I feel sorry for your DH and MIL. Can see how this is going to go

How do you know your DH, DC and parents aren't incubating an infectious illness?
You should admit you don't want your MIL near the baby because you don't like her. It's mean and also very unfair on your husband. It's extremely cruel to poison your elder child's mind against their grandmother.

@2chocolateoranges

Hopefully you won't thrust yourself sick onto fragile newborns in the spirit of keeping things fair.?

You are being very unfair to your husband and his mother.
Your mother isn’t more important than his.
The most infectious period was pre symptoms and that is long gone .
Your older child is picking up your obvious dislike of your mother in law.
Would you like your husband to treat your mother like that.

I think you're understandably worried after your baby's stay in care and protective but I think you're being over protective. But as others have said, she shouldn't be infectious now. Lingering coughs can last a couple of months after a cold but no danger of sharing anything.

Let MIL meet the baby.

Face mask or no visit

Up to her

Yes, coughs CAN linger for months!

I started a nasty cold virus on December 14th. I've been well for quite a while, but have my usual post-nasal drip and lingering phlegmy cough.

OP, you're being unreasonable and unfair.

Having had a term DS who ended up in PICU on a ventilator from rhinovirus at 4 weeks old id wait another few days personally. It may not be necessary, but seeing as you are anxious about it and have just had a stressful time with NICU on top of a more vulnerable newborn and hormones adding to anxiety it seems reasonable. Even if shes just got a residual cough the fact she is coughing will increase the chance of speading any new illnesses she has which usually wouldnt be as high of a risk if asymptomatic with no cough.

I don’t think YABU at all. Ds1 ended up with bronchiolitis and admitted to hospital after someone visited ‘with a cough’. I was much stricter with ds2.

Having said that with him a ‘friend’ decided to show up with a chest infection which I caught off her at 8 months pregnant. Was coughing so bad that my waters broke prematurely and I needed an emergency c section.

In this country, people seem to be very lackadaisical when it comes to coughs and colds. I wouldn’t dream of visiting a newborn when recently recovering from a cold.

This is the feeling I get when reading the post.

Op, unless your MIL is a horrible person, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want her to see your baby. Nothing wrong with worrying about germs, but I get the feeling there is way more to this than 5 days post cough concern.

You are actually being very unfair. your child has 2 sets of grandparents. Even if you dont particularly like one of them, if they are not a threat then your child deserves the chance to bond with both of them. Letting your mum see the baby but not hubbies mum is mean behaviour.

I can understand your terror of the cough/ cold and think posters are a being a bit unkind in the circumstances, even though I don’t think you need to be as afraid of it as you are. It’s natural to be a bit OTT about germs after what you’ve been through, and it’s clear you don’t feel you can trust MIL to tell you the truth.

I also think the talk of the so called “double standard” about Mum’s parents and Dad’s is unfair - you are the one who is vulnerable at this time and naturally only want those you are comfortable with around. I was lucky in that my ex ILs were lovely and helpful and also not pushy in this respect, but your MIL does sound like she makes you feel more vulnerable.

I think you or DH should have a frank word with MIL and explain that you feel irrationally very nervous about germs, and don’t want to upset her, but might be a bit cautious when she’s there. I would say she’s welcome to come now, but that you do need to be careful about how much she is close to the baby. Get your DH to be there the whole time (should be a given as he’s her son) and onside with managing all this. He does any hosting and tea making.

I don’t think your baby will get ill unless she’s outright lying about her illness but I do feel for you with your natural fears about this.

My, I feel for your poor Husband, he has a newborn that he has no say over. I think he can see the future and that is you deciding what you want for your child not his.

It's understandable, but she is five days post symptoms.

When mine were born this didn't even enter my head. I had 5 and 6 weeks early babies. Lots of people came round and baby was passed around. I understand that things are different now.

I understand your worry but if it was 5 days ago it will be fine. Obviously she wants to see her new grandchild.
This time of year if you wait a long time until someone has recovered from a bug they will have caught something else before they get chance to see the baby.
With the best will in the world you can't protect them from every bug

Your baby was "only" in NICU for five days, and has now been discharged - he is OK now and you need to try to be less anxious. My own son was in nicu for less than two days, which I know is less, but I didn't think of him as a "NICU baby" like my friend's baby who was very premature and was in NICU for months. They don't discharge them until/unless they can handle being in the world. Your older child is already bringing home all the germs.

I recommend breastfeeding if you can, that will be the best protection from your baby. And (I know this sounds weird) try not to avoid catching minor illnesses yourself - you want to build up all the antibodies to go into your breastmilk.

Answer is ‘no’ . The op doesn’t like her MIL so this is all just an excuse. Next week MIL will be ‘ pestering and not respecting boundaries’ of a new mum.

YABU . She's just not your favourite person and you don't want to share your baby with her yet. Don't lie to yourself over it. Just get it over and done with.

Sounds like it’s not about if she’s healed from a cough five days ago more that you don’t trust she is actually better.

of course you don’t want someone with a chest infection or viral illness holding and probobly insisting on kissing your fresh out of NICU baby.

Suggest you send husband round hers to check she’s really better and lay out if she pretends to be well when she’s not than that is grounds for LC. Pretending to be well to get hands on a newborn is not ok.

Mil should do as she is fucking asked and wear a mask. I can see why you are nervous with her not listening to you/ minimising her symptoms.

can you get a health visitor to advise?

Two of my three children were in NICU for weeks before coming home, so I totally get your concern. However, I would have thought that 5 days symptom free would be completely fine for MIL to visit and hold the baby. How would you feel if it was your mother?

I agree with this. Your feelings, your recovery and your wellbeing are more important than your MILs wish to immediately see the baby. I don’t really get the obsession with having to immediately see newborns. The most important thing is that baby and mum are alive and healthy, that should be enough for wider family.

Hey, let’s not invalidate experiences here shall we?

My son was in for 8 days, we were told at the beginning they couldn’t promise us he would make it, we were so “lucky” in the fact he improved and took well to antibiotics and treatments but they were the worse days of my life - he was an nicu baby and now I’m pregnant with my second I’m having extra appointments to prevent another sick baby.

Leaving hospital without your baby is horrendous.

Yes I am so grateful he was in for 8 days, some are in for weeks or months and I can’t phantom how horrific that is, but 1 day in nicu is 1 day more than anyone wants their baby in for.