To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

She is very unlikely to pass on an illness. YABVU - of course she wants to see her grandchild just like your Mum did!
Start treating her like the grandmother of your baby and the mother of the man you love.
It won’t ever be like the relationship you have with your mum but really you do need to try harder.

The parents aren’t equal straightaway when the woman has just given birth. The woman is the patient, not the man. It’s a shame some mother in laws are absolute bitches.

You have to set your boundaries! I think a lot of people don't get it if they haven't had a medically ill baby.

We had a baby that was having multiple surgeries and we were very clear on people who were ill not being allowed to the house. One time my inlaws came around when she was about 2 months and arrived early so I was still in the shower.
When I came downstairs my MIL was holding baby with FIL in room and DH was washing the pots (not the first time, they'd been a fair few times to say we'd been in and out of hospital) and I could instantly tell she wasn't 100%, took a few steps in the room and she started coughing. They hadn't told us if they'd been ill.
I instantly said 'I need to feed her' and took the baby out the room, went through to my DH and angry whispered 'your mum is ill'
DH ended up having to ask them to leave. It was so AWKWARD. His mum was crying, his dad was annoyed. DH said they'd come in and he'd been a bit suspect himself and said he'd heard her cough - lets say we had stern words about advocating and its not happened since.
FIL tried to say we were being ridiculous. Very awkward..

A couple of days later, baby got a cough and cold. Surgery that was meant to happen the week after didn't happen and got delayed by 3 weeks - there were medical repercussions due to the delay.
Before anyone 'comes for me' I'm not a monster, we're not no contact but we don't trust them and if she has any procedures, they aren't allowed down 2 weeks before or until shes recovered.

Do the awkward delay now, rather than ruin the relationship later! I just made my mum wait a week after this awful flu thing thats going round.
Do anti bac, make them wear a mask if you feel comfortable. It's about your baby, not them.

The baby must be about a month old now, it's ridiculous that the 'other' grandparents haven't seen baby yet.

On the OPs other thread, they were clearly at home as OP was talking about juggling bedtimes and baby not wanting to go down into cot, and that was 10 days ago. It was very much not the tone of it that it was the first day or two, so let's say they'd been home for 4 days, plus 7 days in NICU. Baby is 3w+ already, possibly more.

My son returned from uni before Christmas with covid. He seemed fine. Slight cough but bright red test line for 8 days straight. His brother and I are immunosuppressed so we have to be careful and we dont go anywhere without FFP3 masks as why would I risk our lives? Eldest tested once home then isolated in his room for 10 days whilst positive so had 2 clear days.(He was fine - got food taken up to him and zero demands on him so he could game to his hearts content).

Its up to you but no way would I let soneone with form for lying risk the health of my youngest or me, never mind a newborn who's just come out of NICU who has probably less immunity than we do! We wear masks all day to stay alive, I'm sure she could do 30 mins to keep her grandchild safe and infection free. Give her a choice - wear a FFP3 mask to protect your baby or don't come.

Stop being mean. Treat your in-laws the same as your parents. They are equal grandparents too.

Would you have banned your parents from visiting had they of had a cough which was cleared up for 5 days? It's your DH Mum & I'm sure he wants to show off his new baby to her just as much as you did with your family. Stop being so mean & let her visit. As long as she's not coughing & spluttering over the baby then it'll be fine for her to have a little cuddle.

While I agree mums the patient.
I don't think we can call this MIL a complete bitch. Shes been honest admitted the cold and been respectful of the Ops wishes but she must be desperate to jump in the car to see her son and DGC.

Op hasn't been back for a few days probably because many saw right through her. But I hope she has invited MIL for a visit

Op this isn't about the cough ,,the way you speak about your in laws cleary points to the fact you hate them .
Good luck in the future ,carry on like this and your marriage will not last .

Might be missing any response to this?

Oh come on it’s almost like you’ve never heard that some people are just awful people and you have to excuse their behaviour by blaming the OP

You could ask the hospital and see what they advise

You cannot really think contacting the NHS over this is a normal response

The nurses are sitting round waiting for phone calls like this, whats the problem?!!

Yes go, midwife, this mother would have been told before hand either way, I think the problem here is she does not like her mother in law and using this as an excuse,

She cannot stop her mother in-law forever saying no otherwise it will cause atmosphere with her husband, I would tell mother in law, I have to keep visiting short because of newborn on advice of hospital, if she would like to pop over she can make the tea and see the baby !!

I agree the sooner your mother in-law sees her grandchild the easier it will be , she won't be coming every day, we all have to bite our lips from time to time when we don't see eye to eye with family, it's not like she is going to disappear soon if you're husband is in the picture

I hope that is not a genuine suggestion but if it was they would probably advise if a MIL has a cough give it a month but if your mum has one any time is fine because mum cough is not contagious in you situation that is

Exactly look well aren't stupid, this woman does not like her mother in law and is using baby as an excuse so she cannot visit, she would have been told at hospital about not having visitors for so many days? But if she had allowed her own mother to visit she should allow her mother in-law, it's unfair if she doesn't and will cause problems otherwise, enjoy baby let mother-in-law visit advise her she can pop over and she can make the tea as she is on bed rest bonding with baby, si those who want to pop over must come over to help as she new mum not there to run around for all visitors !!

As I said this woman with her newborn would have been told if she has to keep visitors away from newborn , she doesn't want her mother in-law because she doesn't like her, so yes NHS are God, mudwifes etc get advice but I think she knows they can visit and get own mother already had, she is being stubborn

Oh and as for nurses sitting around some are I've been there and seen it not all NHS workers are doing their job properly I worked for NHS for 34 years seeing my own patients

You clearly don’t want her to come over. 70% of people say you’re unreasonable but you’re still saying why she shouldn’t come. I’m not sure why you’ve asked the qn if you’re not willing to take the views on board- did you just want everyone to agree with you to validate your opinion?

DH should be doing the hosting and setting expectations that they will not be able to visit all day at this stage. OP has a DH problem if he can't make cups of peppermint tea for his parents and set expectations about visits to ensure a mum of a newborn isn't running round after them all day.

Also fully agree- if you don’t want to ‘host’. Don’t. Get DH to do it as a fully functioning adult. Sit and let him run around, as should be the case after YOU just had a baby. The hosting part shouldn’t come into it- that’s an excuse. Or just say ‘I’m not feeling great, but please help yourself to teas and coffees if that’s ok’. No reasonable person would object to that.

Exactly my daughter will be having her first baby this year, I wouldn't dream of going to hears expecting her to wait on me it's mother and baby bonding, have visitors it's nice let them mKe tea and bring 🍰