To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

Your older child isn't particularly keen on her - looks like your attitude must be very obvious.

Remember your actions if you ever become a DGM

Agreed. You are being overcautious. 5 days is fine. But yes ask her to wear a mask if it helps you feel better about about it

You just say "We’re asking everyone to wash their hands before they touch the baby. I’ve bought some extra-nice handwashing specially, you’ll see it in the bathroom." Discuss this rule with your DH beforehand and enlist his support. Goid luck.

I hate when In-laws are treated different from peoples own parents, when it comes to grandchildren , and always remind myself in situations that one day I’m going to be an in law and would want treated the exact same.

my in laws met my first baby at the same time as my mum, it felt only fair and we asked fil to pick my mum up to come and visit as they lived quite close.

Excuse? Forever? The baby's a week old and has just come out of NICU. I'd say that trumps people-pleasing, personally.

I find this a very unpleasant post.

You're being really unkind here, IMO. People can have residual coughs for weeks (even months) after a cold.

Imagine how you would feel if your DH didn't want your mum to visit.

Poor MIL. It’s obvious you don’t like her. Try to be gracious. She’s 5 days post cough. Maybe just explain to her you’re really anxious due to your baby being premature, I’m sure she’ll understand. Congratulations on your baby and try not to exclude MIL, remember that will be you one day.

I’ve had a cough for 6 weeks now. It’s not infectious, it’s from having flu at the beginning of December. I’ve been to the doctors and they said it can last up 12 weeks. No one can catch my cough from me.

Your MIL has no symptoms no cough so is not contagious.

I’m guessing there are other things at play which adds to your anxiety around this. I get it I have had my own issues to deal with MIL choosing her own need to hold my baby over my baby’s health. It’s hard to let go.

As someone who just had their MIL visit their newborn and when she arrived she obviously had a stinking cold but just kept saying ‘it’s from singing too much at choir - it started after then’ I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Grandparents need to put themselves in the parents shoes and realise that a delay to their visit of a few days is really not that big of a sacrifice when you need to protect the health and a young baby and its primary carers (because if you and DH get ill then who will look after baby?). I think if MIL is unwell then she should stay away. It’s frustrating that she’s putting you in this position - it would be more considerate if she could empathise with the situation she’s put you in and delay the visit herself.

Your own parents might of looked fine, but be about to start with colds/coughs. That would make them a far bigger risk than someone 5 days post illness.
I recommend that when she visits you let her have some of the time with baby and your DH, so that you aren't nitpicking, hovering, and getting anxious. Go and do a job, or have a rest in another room. Appear grateful for the opportunity, rather than rude.
Congratulations.
Edited bugger to bigger 😅

If you have an older child that attends any group setting, the ship has sailed.

Ask her to wear a mask, use sanitiser.
You are being a bit mean to DH’s mother, why can’t he make the tea, all you have to do is sit down and smile. Of course MIL wants to meet her DGC.

Do not create conflict between the grandmothers. It’s a long road ahead.

Here we go again. Your mum is no more special to your baby than mil.
No one has to help make tea, nice if they do but not compulsory. Let the woman visit her son and grandchild. And people wonder why some in laws turn arsey.

Let her visit and get it over with asap. Not letting her visit will just become a 'thing' for ever more if you don't, which isn't good for anyone.

It’s clear you don’t like your MIL and you’re looking for excuses to be difficult. Your dh is the baby’s father and he can also make decisions regarding your baby. Why do you think your opinion is more important than his? TBH I think you’re being mean and you’re using the new baby as a way to exert your authority over your MIL and dh.

This 💯

The nicu staff would have been holding her under much less strict circumstances. No one’s having time off for a bit if a cough.
I think you’re being ott, and unkind. Would this rule apply to your own mother I wonder.

You are confusing different issues.

I think 5 days is plenty of time, but there is no need for you to make cups of tea for your MIL or host and you can set the rules for her visit.

This is about your husband introducing his new baby to his mother, and it should be possible for him to do that AND take responsibility for hosting and maintaining reasonable ground rules.

If you assume he can't do that, you have, as they say, a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

So, in a nutshell, your parents are more important than his and his opinion doesn't count?

My DD has a six week old baby who was 5 weeks early and had 3 weeks in NICU. I had the horrible virus just after Christmas and wouldn’t have gone anywhere near them until I was sure I was better. I can’t understand why a grandparent would go near the baby knowing they have a cold, it’s just stupid and you’d think they’d be just as worried about the baby getting sick as the parents are.

Having said that, this grandma had a cough 5 days ago and won’t be contagious now, so the situation looks like something else.

Why does you older child not like her how old are they what has she done to make them feel like this.
I think you are making excuses for her not to come and think this is unfair even if you don't like her. Even though you haven't said why.

Do both let her visit BUT ask her not to get to close to babies face ! You can visit and even hold a baby without getting right in its face and breathing all over it.

If it was your own mum with the cough, do you think you would have been more lenient to let her visit?

It's her Grandchild and pushing the visit is going to build huge resentment in your future MIL relationship. Get the first visit over with and she will likely lose interest afterwards if your account of her is accurate.

I know what its like having a NICU baby but you can't shield them forever and the baby is well enough to be home now.

@PinkTonic because grandparents are also people and can be terribly selfish and self focused.

I had a winter baby and my.dp were happy to wash hands more frequently and hold my babies without getting right in there faces pils see it as a personal attack if you dared mention any of these things and mil got right in my toddlers face with a sore throat and gave her nasty strep infection .
They also were totally self consumed in COVID and didn't think about us or their GC once. My dp.were far more considerate