To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

FIVE DAYS?!?! Really?!?! FFs give your head a wobble.

This isn't healthy thinking. Your behaviour is irrational and isn't fair on your children, your husband or his family.

You are going to cause major long-term issues with your in-laws if you insist on carrying on the way you are.

OP, you do realise this isn’t normal healthy behaviour?

I get the having to host bit but make sure your husband does all of that. He can host them, make cups of tea, show them the baby. You could even have a little nap or stay in your room for a while.

No reason why they have to stay for long - half an hour would be fine - and everyone is happy. Your DH wants them to come and he has some say as the father of your DC. Think about how you would feel as the MiL in that situation.

PS if you intend to go anywhere at all with your baby or your toddler you will potentially expose them to the flu virus or to colds. And staying in for the whole family is unreasonable.

@Smartiepants79hes as much as a parent as I am biologically, yes. But he didnt lose an alarming amount of blood and faint during the birth, wasn’t cut open, (among many other things that happened), so I’d argue that I was probably more traumatised and in an “I just want my mum stage” in the days that followed.
he’s as much of a parent biologically but i do 70% of the emotional and physical labour in looking after our eldest child, let alone the newborn that cluster feeds on me 24/7 and doesn’t want to be put down. That’s not because he’s a terrible dad, just the way it is in many families including ours. The mum is more hands on. But that’s not even the point of the post.

his mum’s support is plopping herself on the sofa whilst announcing she’d like a cup of tea and a biscuit shortly after demanding to hold the baby. My mum’s support is bringing over cooked meals, helping with cleaning and prepping the house for the newborn to be brought home and taking our eldest out for the day. She had a peep at him in the NICU but mainly came to help, as she always has with eldest or with this baby.

his mum’s support is plopping herself on the sofa whilst announcing she’d like a cup of tea and a biscuit shortly after demanding to hold the baby. My mum’s support is bringing over cooked meals, helping with cleaning and prepping the house for the newborn to be brought home and taking our eldest out for the day. She had a peep at him in the NICU but mainly came to help, as she always has with eldest or with this baby.

Your MIL probably doesn't feel comfortable doing any of the stuff your mum does as you clearly have an issue with her!

@bananafakei agree there’s no reason for them to stay long but they always come for the day as it’s a 2-2.5hr drive so they’d come around 10-11ish and wouldn’t leave until around 5pm. My husband will likely take them out for lunch whilst I have some down time with the kids and feed them lunch but … it’s long. And she’d insist on holding the baby multiple times.

@jamandcustardthen why does she feel comfortable demanding to hold our child or expressing outrage as to why we don’t have peppermint tea?

@Blushingmno id not keep them home from school but for me nursery is far more optional than that.
school is compulsory by law. Hosting semi recovered visitors is not.

Perhaps not but it does allow her other parent (her father) to introduce her to his mother. The maternal grandmother has met the baby. The paternal grandmother should also meet the baby if that is the father’s wish.
My point was that the father should get an equal choice. He is loving and present in the absence of any real risks he should be allowed to decide.

People really are completely unreasonable about colds and babies.

When my son was born my husband had a terrible cold. Was I meant to kick him out of the house? Of course not. What do you do if you have older children who are bringing every bug home from school?

The midwife told me the baby would be fine because he had my antibodies. Spoiler - he was. I think he was 10 months old before he caught anything.

Ok my son wasn't in the special care unit.

I don’t think asking to visit and hold the baby 5 days after having a cough is “prioritizing her own enjoyment over my recovery, mental health, or the baby’s safety”

How many days cough free is ok?
Ask her to wash her hands and not kiss the baby.
Its not that complicated.

@Blushingmshe used to laugh about masks and complain about them during COVID. There’s a picture of my husband holding his newborn nephew with a mask (born in 2020) and MIL commented how it just ruins the photo and he should have taken it off.

Just the 4 of you... plus the maternal grandparents of course

It really isn't. Blimey. I shouldn't be surprised by the healthy anxiety of MNers by now but seriously?

The other parents weren't ill. I agree that ops parents shouldn't get special treatment because you're spot on that theres a dad here too but I dont think its the end of the world for mil to wait a few more days if it puts op at rest. Thats all!

Okay I understand where your coming from, I was a lone parent, if she isn't coming round to give you some support as the new mum then I understand, but maybe give her five minutes just to see baby and say you need rest and bonding time with your baby and husband and baby's sibling, and when you are feeling well you will contact her and your mum ,( you don't want your husband to feel awkward) all the best and congratulations, I become a nona in August to my only child for the first time , I don't particularly like my daughter's husband mother but I will grit my teeth and be nice for my child and her husband and if course the newborn

Because it's normal for grandparents to want to hold their grandchildren!

As for the peppermint tea, I have no idea - but it's hardly on the same scale as being comfortable helping a newly post-partum mother who clearly resents her.

She's already waited five days - how long should she be expected to wait? Ten days? A month? Honestly, it's just silly.

The wanting a cup of tea is understandable if she's just travelled for 2 or more hours to get there. Though after that a bit of help would be nice!

She's 5 days symptom free. Your overreacting.
And your posts sound like you actively dislike her

You obviously dislike her so that is really why you don’t want her to come. And I hate the whole ‘people can only come if they are going to look after the mother and wait on her’ - it’s a bit precious and your husband’s job.

She is the mother of your husband and grandmother to your children so I think you’re going to have to suck it up.

Maybe you need to get to know her a bit more, I wonder what she would say, whether you’ve held her at arms lengths, and she’s get crumbs every now and then. Maybe she feels if she doesn’t see the baby now it will be months before the next visit. I wonder how stressful these visits are for her and if she feels like she’s walking on egg shells a bit.
My advice would be, cancel the visits but add one on for a few days later, and then be nice to her. She’s not your enemy. She your children’s grandma

Aa yes, the good old health anxiety thrown in when parents don’t want their newborns surrounded by sick people.

OP has every right to keep her child out of voluntary nursery if she chooses. I postponed my eldest joining until 3 for the exact reason, I had a newborn.

Ds2 has been admitted to hospital 3 times in the last year since ds1 started nursery. He’s had IV antibiotics and oxygen treatment for illnesses most likely brung home from ds1 who was in nursery.

Doesn’t matter if it’s her in-laws, I would be the same with my own family if they had a tendency to turn up sick. Very easy to say it’s just a cold when it’s not them up all night or having to make A&E trips with a sick baby.