To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

You have an older child. That child is much more of a risk than your mil.

She raised a man that you chose to have children with, she was good enough for that.

I would wait 5 more days. Babies are vulnerable, you've had the trauma of NICU and need time. Your anxious about it. Your children will pick up on the anxiety and like MIL even less as she makes mum anxious and relations will get worse.

In that case I'd say best to tell her she has to wait a bt longer, as it sounds like she can't be trusted to be honest about her symptoms and some things like covid can be contagious for a while. It won't do her any harm to wait a bit, your baby is just out of NICU and their health is more important than her feelings. You could do video calls with her for now if you wanted. You’re likely to face pushback because there’s a weird culture these days where lots of people almost compete to show how little they care about catching or spreading infections.

I doubt she’s infectious still now. Get her over for a brief visit then it’s over and done with. Make sure she puts the baby down if she’s about to start coughing though … you’ll have to tell her that’s a must if she’s going to visit

It does read like you don’t like your mil, which is your prerogative ofc. But I do agree with everyone else, at 5 days recovered she’s less likely to be infectious than anyone else who comes to visit who seems well but is incubating a virus. I’ve had flu recently, it came on strong - one minute I was fine and then the next I was in bed with a fever. I was infectious and walking around with it right before I got into bed.

I think you ought to let your DH’s mum meet his new baby. If you find her very difficult, use that time as a moment to nip upstairs and have a nap for an hour. I know it’s hard to leave newborns, especially when you’ve been through the trauma of a bad birth and NICU stay, but you will need rest and their meeting is inevitable, plus it sounds like being around your MIL isn’t easy, so I’d take the opportunity for a moment to yourself.

Coughs linger because inflammation and irritation to the lining of your throat are slower to move on than the infection that caused it. They can linger for an awful long time because coughing further irritates it – think of it like itching your skin and causing it to be red and inflamed. Not infected.

Sorry YABU.

Sorry OP I think YABU.

I think it is fine for your partner to set some boundaries with his mum about hand hygiene etc around the baby given the NICU stay. However the cough - I am 2 weeks out from a streaming cold and I still have a residual cough. It's very annoying but I am in no way ill.

I hear what you're saying about her just wanting to hold the baby etc, but this is where your partner needs to step in. When you've said "they're my parents" it's made it clear that you feel yours get priority but unless you see your partner as a lesser parent to your baby, it's unfair to give your MIL a lesser grandparent role.

You know you’re being unreasonable but hoped that by posting you’d get people saying you’re right.

Your husband wants his mum to visit because you’ve let your own mum (and dad) visit.

It’s clear you don’t like her and that’s why you’re finding an excuse.

Your other child is probably going to nursery and your husband going shopping, so far more likely to bring in a virus. As well as the midwife visiting.

If NICU didn’t feel your baby was well enough to go home then they’d still be in hospital.

This!

Get dh to agree to a compromise. Ok she can come but she cannot hold baby.

Neither of you can have it all your way be that her, you or dh. So compromise. Visit but no holding. She can still visit and coo over baby take photos.

I think the fact your baby was in nicu has obviously put you more on edge as well as dislike for mil in general.

A cough 5 days ago??

as someone who has struggled to have a baby for a long time, am currently pregnant and am looking at preterm labour (if I'm lucky enough to reach viability) I will be extremely protective over my baby, and also (though secondary) my own mental health. I love my MIL as a person, but I witness her doing things so unsanitary in the kitchen etc (eg not washing her hands after touching raw poultry then helping to set the table) that I will basically attempt to make people's feelings last on my list of worries if I get to take my baby home. Similarly with my own mum, who gets cold sores, doesn't believe in hand sanitiser, or my sister's allergies: I don't trust her to put the baby's safety over her desires to hold it. Whether or not it's safe, I will be extremely stressed at the idea of something further harming the health of the child until its immune system is more developed (at least one month but lots practice three).

At least with my own mum I will feel able to refuse certain things, insist on certain things (as there is a lifelong relational context to fall back on) but I will feel deeply uncomfortable insisting MIL washes her hands before touching baby when it is so new and vulnerable. Likewise, you can control your child's access to premie to an extent, insist on hand washing and separate if obviously ill. It's much more complex to insist with an adult who's desperate to hold the baby.

Not sure my comment helps, but just saying I understand an extremely strong desire to protect.

Exactly 💯

Just because honest; you dont want MIL to visit because you dont like her. The other child also doesn't like her (wonder why).

The cough isnt anything infectious after 5 days, and definitely nothing like what your other child will be exposed to in their life.

Give her the choice of facemask and hand washing at yours or waiting a few more days.

You'll see how much she wants to see the baby.

Your DH should make the tea for her. You must NOT do it

Good question! If the OP answered this honestly, she would not prevent her own mother from visiting.

YABU to block your MIL from visiting. It's clear from your first post you don't like her, but the baby has 2 parents and you are being unfair to your DH as well as your MIL.

Your other child is far more of a risk to the baby as they carry loads of germs from nursery and school.

You sound really nuts. Your poor MIL

What happens when your eldest child gets a cough?

You gonna make them live in the shed?

She won’t be infective. I understand why you want to be cautious.
Would be reasonable to let her come , ask to wash hands and even where a mask if she has still got a to joy cough occasionally or not hold/ kiss the baby.
sorry I am with DH on this. Don’t make a battle of this - it won’t be forgotten.

Oh for goodness sake just let her visit and meet and cuddle her new grandchild!

Your MIL has the same relationship with your baby as your own mother and needs to be treated similarly.

I get why you are cautious but she’s very unlikely to be infectious. Your child if they mix at school or nursery is a bigger constant risk of bringing home germs tbh and likely is around the baby much more and probably/hugging and kissing them too.

Not everyone is visibly unwell when at their most infectious either. Coughs can linger for ages… doesn’t mean it’s infectious.

Bingo.

YAB completely U. The poor woman hasn’t even still got a cough!

You are clearly showing your dislike of your MIL, and your DD has picked up on this. You need to remember she is the person who presumably brought up your DH to be the man I assume you love. Where are his rights in all this? Does he not want his own mother to meet his new baby?

You are being most unfair and setting yourself up for huge problems in the future.

Sorry OP I agree with the others. Plenty ways to have a safe visit from MIL. It seems like you don't want her to visit (sorry just being honest). Congratulations on your new baby 🍼

Be honest about why it is you don't want her around

A cough is a lingering thing

It doesn't mean she's infectious