To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

And just adding on to my above comment, your baby can leave nicu but we were advised to keep him at home away from unwell people for 7 days after. Leaving nicu doesn’t mean your baby is suddenly 100%!

In her shoes id be telling you to get over yourself.

You clearly dont like her so just be honest that thats why youre keeping her at arms length and be done

Now answering OP, I understand your feelings, I think I’d be more comfortable if MIL wore a mask. We were told after nicu to keep unwell people away with symptoms for 7 days. I know she is absolutely dying to see her new grandchild but it is a hard situation.

Your wishes and worries are what should matter to DH. Put your foot down. Say perhaps when you're feeling much better yourself and at least 3 weeks after she has stopped coughing - or whatever YOU feel like. DH should support you. Just send photos and say --''Don't come''. It's awful when any one tries to force themselves on you at this time. Say you need 6 😀(?)weeks for all the little family to bond but just the 4 of you!

Don’t be influenced by all these probobly mother in laws with their own issues telling you to get over yourself. Your job is protecting your baby and healing. Not indulging your mil to see baby asap. I think some people are being very harsh. The fact she wont wear a mask even if it would make you more comfortable and help protect the baby at no impact to her is all you need to know.

I was wondering this. Your older child is at nursery/school. Presumably your DH will be back at work soon. What happens if they get ill?
Children aren't known for their excellent hygiene and I'd be more worried about your eldest giving something to your youngest.
It's pretty obvious you really dislike your MIL and have also managed to turn your eldest against her but you should let her visit.
It's incredibly unfair you let your own parents visit but not her. It's her grandchild too. Just let your DH host her.

It seems clear that you don't like your MIL
who shares the same amount of DNA as the other grandma. It seems to be a theme on mumset that somehow MIL is relegated to a bit part rather than an actual grandparent

HE hasn’t just given birth and also HE isn’t the main parent who will be left dealing with hospital and 2 children to parent on his own

and they’re my parents

Well she’s your DH’s parents. You clearly favour your own parents over her and are looking for an excuse for her not to come. You’re not being fair. YABU.

I'm not "invalidating" anything (such a strange word anyway). I had a similar experience myself. I don't think you read past the first line of my comment.

I'm saying to try and look forward with less anxiety, and trust that the doctors know that the baby is well enough to go home with all the normal germs that are in the home. A Granny who has recovered from a cold is not a huge risk to him now he's been discharged.

That's a better mindset to have for the baby's sake than always looking back in fear.

My ds is now 2yo. A few weeks ago my (lovely) MIL said he shouldn't go out in the snow because he had hypothermia issues as a newborn (part of the reason for the NICU, only part).

But that was in the past, he's a chubby sweaty boy now who can handle the snow.

I believe it's important not to limit your child based on their NICU life-beginning.

I'm guessing from your username that your baby was born very recently. [Edit - I missed the July part! I guess you're expecting no2.] I'm glad they're home now. I think you'll understand my point of view in time. Best wishes.

Funny how it’s always the MIL who is excluded but your parents have been to see the baby. You are being wildly unreasonable, you cannot protect a baby from every single germ known to man. I hope when my son grows up and gets married he’d stop my DIL from treating me like MIL’s get treated on here. It’s a disgrace

It sounds like you want to wait long enough for her to catch the next thing so that you can keep her away for another month. I was ill at Christmas and I still have a lingering cough. Five days without symptoms is as healthy as you can be.

She is the babies father’s parent.

Also known as a grandparent . This title does not give any rights to access.

You obviously don’t like her and are looking to justify avoiding her. Why not just get it over with and then be busy a lot of the time?

I think a lot of us favour our own parents over our ILs.

Just as they favour their own offspring over who they have married.

Some ILs do manage to show an interest in DILs though.

Not just when there's a GC to visit!

Sounds like you don’t like your MIL. I feel sorry for your DH who is being denied the support your said you needed and received from your own parents. I cannot imagine saying to my husband that my parents are allowed to see our baby but yours aren’t.

Sounds like you don’t like your MIL. I feel sorry for your DH who is being denied the support you said you needed and received from your own parents. I cannot imagine saying to my husband that my parents are allowed to see our baby but yours aren’t.

"Hi MIL, so excited you want to come visit and meet (baby). Just a heads up, as we've just gotten out the NICU we will be asking everyone to wash their hands and wear a mask if they want to hold the baby until they've had their 6 week vaccinations. Do you have a mask already you can wear or do we need to get one out for you? (Toddler) is so excited for you to play with them. See you ... OP x"

Don't make rules that apply to just your MIL. Everyone could have something asymptomatic. She knows the rules and if she says she doesn't need a mask calmly say OK no worries if you dont want to hold baby and move on.

@NopayriseYes! If it were my mum, I’d say exactly the same. In reality, it wouldn’t even get to that point. If she’d recently been ill, she simply wouldn’t suggest visiting. And if she did, I’d have no issue saying “not yet, the baby’s vulnerable,” and she’d accept that immediately.
If I asked her to wear a mask, she would. If I asked her not to hold the baby, for any reason at all, she’d respect that without question. She sees the baby and the mother as a unit, not the baby as something she’s entitled to. We’re also quite comfortable with each other in my family of origin in the sense that I can say to my parents or siblings how I feel and what my preferences are regarding my child without anyone getting offended or causing drama.
My mum (or dad!) wouldn’t prioritise her own enjoyment over my recovery, mental health, or the baby’s safety. That’s the difference.

Re-my older child. Doesn’t go to nursery and won’t until summer term exactly because it’s flu season and we have a newborn at home

So have I understood correctly, you’ve kept older DC at home from nursery to avoid flu season? Do you have health anxiety?
As for MIL, no mask, no visit if she’s prone to camouflaging symptoms.

Shock horror - grandmother doesn’t want to wear a face mask (which does nothing to prevent transmission of infection) AND has the audacity to want a cuddle with her newborn grandchild!
Did you make your own DM wear a face mask? Was she allowed to cuddle her grandchild?

I think your being cruel if she is not infectious let her visit and hold the baby she is your husband's mother does he have no say, you parents have seen the baby and I expect have held the child, we all collect germs from all kinds of services, let her come hold the baby take a photo and have tea, there's no reason for one nona to be allowed to visit and the other not that is instantly causing a divide, your mother in-law may end up being your biggest asset

But you’ve not even asked her?

It comes across as you don’t like MIL and favour your own family

Would you have kept older DC home for flu season if they were school aged