The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

@Vivi0 it sounds to me, and a lot of other posters, like there is favouritism. And as for DD1 moving abroad, as I said, maybe that's why she moved. And it sounds like she's doing brilliantly there. But having exactly these things said about me -"why did you leave, if you wanted your mum's support" - is really painful. I left because my mum was never going to support me.

I wouldn't argue with this, except that there's a pattern of dismissing DD1, and assuming she has no needs, and no place in the family any more.

I can see why the OP needed to support DD2, and of course any parent would, I don't criticise that. But to the extent that the OP supports one daughter over another, especially when the daughter's "partner" does not? That is bonkers. And not just because it's pushed DD1 out of the family home, and turned her into the spare wheel in her own family.

It can't be beyond the wit of any parent to try to understand her DD1, and meet her needs, as much as she understands DD2 and meets her needs. But the OP's favouritism has put the kybosh on that.

Their needs will be different, but it doesn't mean DD1 doesn't need something. I suspect she doesn't know what that something is, because her mother's diminishing of her in favour of her sister has become so normalised. She's stopped asking, because - well, what's the point?

This is exactly what I'm trying to say, but couldn't find the words for!! Thank you @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

I imagine DD1 doesn’t actually feel welcome in your home anymore. I’d be devastated if my child saw us 3 times a year, and chose to stay with their grandma. How often do you go to visit her?

My older sister was like this - my mother was always very protective of her, felt she needed far more support than I did and as a result, she has had far far more over the years in the way of time, attention, emotional support and money than I have. I actually feels that my mother preferred her because she was more (seemingly) influenced by mum - in effect my sister does whatever she wants to and just keeps a lot secret. The irony is that my sister is always going to be ok - she is a user who always has people helping her out (until she burns them out). My relationship with mum was seriously impacted by this inequity. Other relatives pointed this out, but mum ignored them. I hope you are wiser.

Nonsense. Her second daughter has got pregnant - again - by her weekly shag and will raise a second child with her mother, who is paying for the first child by said sperm donor to go to private school. The daughter is training to be a hairdresser but doubtless this will now be put off for a few years, and even if she does qualify, she’s never going to earn nearly enough to send two children to private school while living independently with her children. None of this is normal and healthy. It smacks of a toxic co-dependency between the two women where the mother is deliberately infantilising her daughter.

No wonder DD1 has distanced herself.

A lot of us on this thread have had direct experience of parents playing (extreme) favourites. It’s deeply hurtful and has a lasting impact on mental health. Those who minimise that are the ones who don’t know what they’re taking about.

An honest open conversation with dd1 is all that’s required

i think that ship has long sailed

But this isn’t about you.

There is zero indication that the OP is abusive, or that the OP’s eldest daughter left to live in another country because of that abuse.

It sounds to me like a family where one child has moved abroad, and the rest of them are just getting on with their day to day lives.

What else are they supposed to do?

Exactly. DD1 has moved to another country, putting as much distance as she physically can between herself and mother and sister. And doesn’t stay at ‘home’ (not that it is as she doesn’t have a bedroom) when she’s in the country. If relationships between kids and parents fail, that’s almost always on the parent(s). Kids tend to love their parents despite their flaws. For a surprisingly large number of parents though, maternal (or paternal) love is conditional.

Historically the bickering would be over DD1 not showing her nephew any attention

So, DD1 does not fall all over DD2s child - but why should she?

spending too much time talking about herself and her last boyfriend

She sees you a few times a year FFS. How else are you going to find out what is going on in her life?

being condescending or over DD2 being lazy, bratty and antagonising her sister.

I think you may be reading her vastly better position in life as condescension. But she is just operating on a different plan and not kow towing to you. And DD2 has continued her immature and poor behaviour from calling her sister a slag and continues to be nasty.

OP, its is clear that you prefer DD2 - I would guess it is because you like being needed so much, and it strokes your own ego. But what you are doing to DD1 is shockingly poor and you will end up with such a distant relationship with her = and it will be because of you, not the sisters personalities or paths in life.

In 10 years' time it will not surprise me to find OP posting this:

"So excited. DD1 is pregnant. My DD2 has 2 children, but the youngest is now 10, so of course they are not so cute and cuddly, and I'm not so involved as I was when they were younger. So I'm really looking forward to being a grandparent to a young child again. However, DD1 has said that she doesn't really see me having any involvement. She says she'll visit twice a year, but she won't even stay with us; she wants to stay with her grandmother to whom she is close. AIBU to be really upset?"

And people will ask what the relationship with her DD1 was like previously and OP will answer that she didn't really pay much attention to her as she was too busy with DD2, and DD1 didn't ask ...

She’s not ‘abusive’, she just massively favours her youngest child. The dynamic is obvious.

I wonder what would happen if DD1 called her mum and said she’s pregnant and would like her mum to move to be with her for 3 months after the baby’s born. I’d do it in a heartbeat for my child- would the OP?

Exactly. Emotional neglect is a kind of abuse. At least DD1 grandmother has her back.

@AnonymousBleep , I agree with everything you've said but @Vivi0 was replying to me, when I was describing my own experience of abuse, and how similar the OP dynamics sound.

@Vivi0 my posts are about me though, and what I've said is that it sounds like favouritism, and my experience of favouritism is that when you scratch under the surface of it, there's abuse. Maybe not violence, but cruelty.

I'm wondering how the family will manage if Baby No 2 turns out to be a girl rather than a boy: will that necessitate a new house in order to accommodate the growing family? An extension?

DD2 only has the luxury of being able to have a second pregnancy because she's being looked after by her parents.

The first pregnancy was possibly bad luck; the second one certainly wasn't.

Grandmother sounds like a rather unpleasant person? The woman who is rotting the bill for her grandchildren going to university?

We also didn’t actually pay for DD1s university, her grandparents did and would have done the same for DD2 and did the same for my nephew.

The answer would be no. There’s no room for DD1, let alone another child. There isn’t room for three people in the co-dependency between the OP and DD2.

Ah OK - sorry to butt in!

On a related note - I’ve been really struggling with my own feelings/anger about being the ‘glass child’ and how that’s caused long-term mental health problems for me (that are ignored by my family because I’m so ‘capable’ and ‘resilient’) and it’s fascinating, if really sad, to see how many other women have experienced the exact same thing. I love my children unconditionally and have never been able to understand how my own mother’s ‘love’ was completely conditional, at least for me.

I am worried about things like this when mine grow up. From what I've seen, having more than one child makes it inevitable someone will say you have a glass/golden/invisible child, and no matter what you do, it will be wrong. I honestly think if either had a child of their own, I would try to help them.
Kids are always going to be different. It might be that one has a health issue or additional need, or it might not be, but either way, from everything I see, there will always be one who seems to need you more.
All I can say is I'm sorry, and please don't put yourself down for trying to do your best. There will be lots of us in your situation, and I hope I can take my own advice.
Your mum is wrong for comparing looks, in particular.

I also moved to a neighbouring country, and I am also the oldest ‘independent’ sibling ‘who’s doing just fine and doesn’t need anything’. I’ve never once asked for help or guidance, as they are unable to see me as a person, and all the conversations have ever been about them, my sibling and nephews whom they’ve provided childcare for, from birth. When I had my own children my mother would reluctantly visit me once a year for 4, maximum 5 days, as ‘she had so much on her plate looking after everyone’ - that is my sibling and family, and my father who took even less interest in me. One Christmas I was going through a bad patch and lost a lot of weight, and looked terrible, I visited my parents and even though I looked ill they didn’t even ask how I was.
OP, does it sound familiar?

@AnonymousBleep me too. Approaching 40 and can still be reduced to tears by a phonecall from my mum, and it wasn't even her who was the abusive parent. He's long dead, but the dynamics are still in place.

If anything, having my own kids has made it more hurtful tbh.

You’ll be fine. Most people with more than one kid don’t play favourites and there are no issues in that respect. It’s not difficult to get that right tbh. Just don’t be a raging narcissist.

Upthread, I mentioned a friend whose child and spouse moved in with them and then broke the agreement that they would only have two children. There was an accidental pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage followed by another pregnancy and a third child.

The friend's husband was certainly not happy.

The friend is now a widow. Two of the grandchildren have left the nest. The one who always 'needs a lot of support' has now moved their partner in (with the agreement of the parents and grandparent) and I can see history repeating itself.

I wonder how they'll all cope once granny has gone. (Granny has always done the bulk of the cooking and all the household management, plus has paid for any work that needs done to the house.)