The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Where do you see it said by OP that older child doesn't want her younger sister to have help?

If you read the OP’s posts, it was the grandparents who put DD1 through uni.

Harsh but fair, harsh but fair

I was wondering that!

I find it more hurtful these days too. Especially as I have DD and sis has a dog, and often her dog sitting needs will be viewed as more important than spending time with my DD. DD loves them so much, and one day she's going to see that they put her aunt's wants over her family and that devastates me.

My DH is DD1. Highly intellectually, did an Engineering degree, worked in retail while studying for extra money, got into a good graduate programme with a great company, got promoted twice and is still there 16 years later. His commute is 3 hrs daily and can be up to 5 hours if there's bad traffic. He was the quintessential hardworking child and teen - excelled at school, got great grades, never drank or did drugs or kept bad company.

His 3 brothers are all unemployed, except the youngest who is 30 and just got a retail job. None of them have any qualifications beyond leaving high school (with poor grades). One has been diagnosed with a mental illness but until then, he never really worked or studied. They all live at home and their mother funds their entire lifestyle.

Dh has tried bringing it up but she always acts as though she has no choice but to mollycoddle the others. He doesn't say anything now - just keeps his distance and helps where he can. He doesn't want her money or to love at home and is happy his brothers have support but it hurts him deeply that his mum only ever calls when she wants help - financial or otherwise - or needs something for his brothers. He would deeply appreciate her simply calling to check in on him or visit or even remembering his birthday which she forgot several years in a row.

Until someone has seen this firsthand, it's hard to understand just how devastating it can be. To an outside, DH seems extremely independent and competent and he is but it's because he was forced to be and there have been times he's needed help but the few times he's asked, his mum is always too busy with his siblings.

The result is that the distance between them has grown and it will probably always remain that way.

ETA - don't know why I cant remove that quote.

I also wonder what would happen if DD1 say lost her job and became unexpectedly pregnant, or needed halp and support for another reason. Would the OP be able to support her in the same way she has DD2? No, clearly not because DD2 is there. DD1 doesnt have the luxury of the parental safetynet DD2 has had. That takes a toll.

I feel very sorry for your elder daughter

BellsaRinging, exactly, spot on, when I had my own children I still came second and then my sibling divorced and that again became the focus of everything to the point that I was told by my mother that she needed me to ‘be perfect’ and never complain as she had suffered so much with sibling’s divorce, etc.
I bet OP’s DD1 is also expected to be perfect.

The Christmas after I had DD, so when she was a very new baby, my parents said they'd come to us because it was easier for us, I appreciated it massively. Then I started getting messages "we might need to bring your sister". When I said no, cos no space and brand new baby, they changed the times they were coming to mean they saw her more. So basically they'd have arrived for dinner and gone off again.

That's the first time DH got involved. I cried so hard he called my dad and told him to consider how much I might need them right now, given I'd just given birth and was navigating life on mat leave (I have a pretty busy job) with a new baby. They actually came, I thought they must have heard him, heard me needing them.

Nothing changed after that. Still saddens me.

Yes and I don’t blame her.

Absolutely unhinged comments about her, her younger DD and grandson.

As someone said earlier on in the thread, before the more rational voices were drowned out:

And don't post on Mumsnet about this kind of thing, OP, it's much too sensitive, particularly for AIBU. People come here just to insult people and offer brainless and unpleasant comments due to inadequacies in their own lives.

well yes, DD1 was a 21 year old uni student. It's not reasonable to expect her sister's baby would suddenly be a center of DD1's world.

Your mother is right. You are effectively punishing DD1 for making good choices. By treating your children differently, you are making sure the gulf get ever more wider and will soon reach a point where it will never be able to be breached.
I think you need to apologise to DD1.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos, it hurts more as our children grow and we realise how we’d never behave like that to them

I am also DD1, It is awful.

She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2. DD1 was forever being told how intelligent, beautiful, talented and mature she was (rightly so), so at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued.

Poor DD1. Can you imagine your parents ignoring your achievements and leaping praise on your sister, for 'balance'? Yeah DD1 you won that award, whatever, but aww how great are you, my precious DD2 for getting out of bed!

Sorry - I was referring to to this bit - "Your eldest sounds kind of pathetic honestly" - not the university bit!

She lives in another country, why would her sister’s baby become the centre of her world?

Most normal people do want to have relationships with their nieces and nephews.

Not on Mumsnet though, where it’s an abject trauma to even be in the same room as “someone else’s child”.

Beyond ridiculous.

Sorry, I don’t quite understand.

You invited your parents to spend Christmas Day with you, but the invite was not extended to your sister. So, she was to spend Christmas on her own?

I have not even read the whole thread yet, but as the DD1-like character in my family, I say hear hear for the grandmother! I have always been cast as the bad guy/snob because I had achievements that garnered attention. I WORKED HARD for those things, they weren’t luck, and praise of them was earned praise.

You've cast DD1 as the villain and laid all of DD2’s problems at her feet (because…she did not pay sufficient attention to her in high school?). Having done this, you’ve created a tidy little justification for yourself to continually favor DD2.

If you care about DD1 at all (I’m guessing you don’t, and are just mad at being called out by grandmother), go talk to DD1. Ask her what things unique to her (DD1) you can do for her, to compensate for all of the life assistance you give DD2. They may not be financial.

It’s amazing how often families punish the kids who are responsible, independent, and self motivated. Then they call those same unsupported kids rude, snobbish, cold, etc.

DD1 has built what sounds like a good life for herself, away from you, and away from the continued favoritism of DD2. A life where she can be appreciated for her accomplishments that she’s worked for and not have them seen as unfair advantages. At least she has a grandmother who is willing to acknowledge her hard work and maturity, and who has stood up for her. Wish I had had a relative like that.

You are alienating DD1 in favour of DD2. DD1 doesn't have a home with you. She has to stay with her grandparents when she visits. When she does visit your home, DD2 makes her uncomfortable. In DD2 mind, DD1 is intruding on her space. It's her and her child's home rather than the family home.

Better for you and your DD is you withdraw from contact. You have already been hurt so badly. Why pass it down the generations?

ETA: I've appreciated your rational & thoughtful posts on this thread @Vivi0 but I wonder if you've had the experience of being DD1 that many PPs have.

I think there've been some very moving posts from those who know what it's like being DD1 in relation to their mothers.

There doesn't need to be abuse or cruelty, but young women in DD1's position just know their needs are unlikely to be met. Even in the most loving families (as OP feels hers is, and as mine was).

This thread has been both interesting & upsetting to read. I'm long past any sibling rivalries - indeed I get on really well with all 3 of my sisters, but I recognise so much of the situation the OP describes, from her DD1's PoV.

And this thread has made me wonder just what it is that triggers me so deeply - what needs were not met that even now in my 60s, I can't articulate? But that as soon as I read the OP, I recognised.

Maybe that's what PPs who haven't been the DD1 in this situation don't understand - that you get to a point where you just stop thinking of asking. Indeed, I never started asking - because somehow, very deeply & instinctively, I couldn't trust that my mother could meet my needs. I suspect this started from my very early babyhood. I suspect (in my family dynamics) it's also about being the first child of a young mother who hadn't been well mothered herself.

It didn't mean I wasn't given stuff and supported (like OP's DD1), but one of my siblings asked all the time and got things I'd never dream of. A particular kind of emotional support as well as material needs being met. I just never felt I could ask. And I can't really explain that more rationally.

This is the OP's first and only thread. Fingers crossed it's a rage bait thread

But she might have been a name changer @MyrtlethePurpleTurtle ?