The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Sorry to add to the consensus OP, but you firmly nailed your colours to DD2’s mast long ago.

But more than that, you might have disadvantaged her. She’s a young woman who’s never been independent, who has lived as a child with a child of her own, who has missed out on having a real family life of her own with her BF during her DS’s youngest years, and who seems to have a big hill to climb in terms of supporting herself in the future.

DD1 has no reason to come home: she has no bedroom, and DD2 clearly resents attention on anything apart from her or her DS. Someone needs to tell her that nobody finds children as entrancing as their own parents!

Sadly it sounds like DD2 might be very threatened by DD1 and has done everything she can to push her out. And also avoid work, responsibilities, independence, etc.

And who is this boyfriend who lives 2 hours away and has barely seen his child for years? It all sounds completely bizarre.

What does your husband say about all this?

Have dropped out of university, got pregnant young, lived at home scrounging off mum and dad whilst behaving like a spoilt, nasty, entitled madam towards her sister?

This!

The problem here is your mums views. Why is her opinion above yours?

Fwiw - i am DD1. My sister had 7 babies (started as a teen) and had no end of help from both (separated) parents. You name it, she got/has it. We dont get on. Never have and never well. I dont hold any resent for the significant help she has had over the last 23 years - if they want to do that, thats their choice. I dont care if the "inheritance" pot is empty bacause of their support to her. Ive never voiced this and never will. If you have a good r.ship with DD1 and support her in other ways than financially, I dont see how what you do for DD2 matters.

You cant come stay,.let me come to you monthly/quarterly or let me take us away quarterly. Do thinngs with her that interest her. Make the effortt. She might not "need" you and perhaps she has had to be self-sufficient but you can provide in other ways.

All the best.

Deleted namechange fail

From your description it sounds like you don’t actually like your DD1 that much.
do her achievements and lifestyle make you feel a bit inferior and parochial? Whereas you get to be always capable Savior of DD2, enabling and by the looks of it encouraging her poor life choices? Do you judge her for her sexual freedom?

hmmmm

and obviously you are not listening at all to
what multiple people have told you

I don't think you've favoured either one. You've tried to support them both in the way that they need. It's easy for your mum to interfere or criticise from her slight distance from the situation. She isn't the one dealing with the consequences of what life has thrown at you.

However, that said, I would try to make some time to see DD1 more, and separately from DD2.

I also find it difficult that your DD1 has to stay with grandparents when she comes. Why don't you give her your bedroom and just sleep in the lounge for a few nights? Make her feel welcome in her old family home instead of letting her feel that DD2 and DGS are taking everything in terms of facilities.

Weird that you expect a woman who’s just given birth to centre her sister. Although it does point to the reasons for your lack of empathy towards people who’ve shared their own experiences on this thread - ‘unhinged’, yeah OK.

Your Mum and DD1 sound like the sensible ones. DD2 needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. But she is clearly your favourite

It probably isn’t, given the sheer volume of people on here who experienced this for themselves.

As sad as it is, and baffling that you’re even here asking for opinions when you’re clearly convinced you’ve done everything right, given everything you’ve posted I think your eldest is only going to continue to distance herself from all of you as the years go by. Whether you ever choose to reflect properly on how you will have contributed to that fracture (or arguably even caused it) is entirely in your hands. Chin up though - you needn’t worry about the same happening with your second daughter, she knows very well which side of her bread is buttered

I don't think OP has any understanding of just how much she is financially favouring dd2. Although she considers it funding the dgc and plans to provide for private education for dd1's dc, dd1 might not have dc. In the meantime she's not thinking of all the small expenses for dd2 and the dgc that they pay for but that get forgotten about when it comes to treating them equally. These will add up to a significant amount that will never be spent on dd1.

Does OP actually want dd2 and the dgc to leave the parental home? It comes across that they are happy to have the bf living far away. Dd2 has no apparent desire to become independent of her parents. This will only add to the rift between the sisters.

Yeah it'll be to the turn on 1m plus when all is said and done ....

I feel for your dd1 because I can resonate. Having a child young isn't necessarily a poor choice, but it does in normal circumstances make your life harder. My mum had me young, and it forced her to grow up. You have cushioned this for dd2 by providing a roof for her and her child, babysitting, funding holidays she can't afford and now clubs and extra curriculars for her child. These costs are her responsibility not yours and doesn't appear to be the kind of person who would rise to it when you are happy to step in. Had you not provided this support she may have thought twice about having another child whilst not living with her partner and whilst saving for a home. This in my view is a poor decision but she has you to bail her out, so she won't experience the fall out. You seem happy to provide her a cushion in line no matter her choices but the fact that she was bullied at school and in some ways had a tougher road doesn't excuse poor decision making forever.At what point is she going to take responsibility for her actions and live within her means?

Your dd1 stays at her grandparents' home rather than yours because there isn't any room for her at yours. Her sister could appreciate that she may want to spend quality time with you and take her child to stay at her boyfriends making room for her sister or have her child in with her for the duration of her sister's stay. Instead, she bickers, and all that does is demonstrate that she feels she has more right to be there. I'm not surprised your dd1 stays away. You are destroying ypur relationship with dd1 all because you enjoy having the company of your grandchild and feeling needed by dd2.

And who is this boyfriend who lives 2 hours away and has barely seen his child for years? It all sounds completely bizarre.

This is definitely the most bizarre part of the story, I agree.

I mean we all know of absent dads who don't give a shit about their kids and barely see them (I had one). But in those cases the Mum doesn't keep sleeping with him and get pregnant by him again?!

It's just so icky.

The man lives with his own parents and the woman lives with hers - but they have a 4yo and another on the way - it's just so so messed up. 4 years old! Meanwhile the 4yo goes to private school and has to navigate trying to explain this to his friends.

I must admit I'm fascinated by this story, it's just so strange. I can't work out if op is fabulously wealthy or not

You are focusing on money for a private education for possible future grandchildren but your eldest daughter can’t even stay in your house when she visits. You have got your priorities so wrong.

It’s tricky but having 2 daughters myself I think treating them unequally is setting them up for resentment. I think your mum is being very unfair in favouring DD1 and this will feed into her relationship with DD2. Do you ignore DD1?

I think you’re going to end up needing a much bigger house in the relatively near future and paying a hell of a lot of school fees.

You're making a lot of assumptions about what this "support" looks like. Providing financial support and childcare does not necessarily mean that her DD2 has no idea how to "adult".

Maybe she can't afford her own home cos the cost of living is so high and needs help with childcare because her wages barely cover a nursery bill? I'm sure that doesn't then automatically mean that the OP is cooking all her dinners, washing her clothes and wiping her arse for her?!

Maybe OP is providing the "village" to enable her to raise her child - or does it not count unless you do it all alone?

What I would want for my child actually is for them to know they could rely on me for support if it was needed which I would 100% provide. I wouldn't be pushing them away asking them to "prove themselves" to be a "real" grown up. Hopefully the OP can also work with her DD1 to be able to provide what she feels she needs from her too.

Those are more than 'gaps' that you're filling OP, you are basically paying for the child - providing a home, paying nursery fees and school fees as well as child care - it sounds excessive and likely to continue long term (unless DD2 and her partner are suddenly earning enough to pay school fees on top of everything else).

She’s not working, so yes her mum is completely financially supporting her while she trains as a hairdresser. No idea if the part-time boyfriend and father of her child who sees it and her once a week(!) contributes financially. It doesn’t sound like the OP cares as she’s happy playing happy families with this (weird) setup.

It does really sound like you enable poor behaviour and fairly extreme laziness from dd2.

Your mum is probably appalled as I'd be and you seem to resent that dd1 doesn't fswn over your dd2 and indulge all her needs like you do.

All DC will need different support at different times. But over time it should still even out. Please don't put the blame on DD1 because she's not 'asking' for support.
Your mum has rightly called you out on your behaviour. You have a really simple choice; change what you're doing, or accept the fact you are doing permanent damage to your relationship with DD1.
Maybe her life isn't as fabulous as you describe. Maybe she is like the rest of us, putting a brave face on it sometimes as she knows you won't care enough to help, even if she were struggling.
This isn't an issue where logic prevails - this is one where people's feelings are the most important thing.

I’m dd1 in this situation, though my sibling is older and a brother. Though intellectually I know that he gets the level of help he needs, and that there would be a cushion if I needed it, I would be lying if I said that deep down I didn’t resent the endless waves of emotional and financial support he’s had while I was left to figure it out on my own. If your DD1 is as intelligent and reflective as you say, she’ll be able to tally up all the things she might have achieved if you weren’t endlessly supporting her foolish sister.

And a woman who has fallen pregnant twice, presumably accidentally but certainly not exactly thoughtfully, in her teens/early twenties, without even living with her partner, calling another woman a slag? Beyond the obvious misogyny and insecurity, its just a stupid take. I would have intervened, and dd1 will have noted your silence.

Christ. You clearly prefer dd2.

I wouldn't be asking for people's opinions on here about such a delicate matter as the majority of respondents tend to be very strongly opinionated based on emotionally charged personal experiences or moralistic opinions rather than objective knowledge. This strikes me as a situation that requires some professional advice as the dynamics seem toxic and your DM is aggravating the situation by validating your older DD's feelings of injustice. Many mothers like yourself would naturally want to offer support and protection for their vulnerable DC adult or not and not moralise the situation aka "punish you DD for your poor choice and let you and DG live in strife so you might learn". The truth I would guess is a lot more complicated and nuanced than DD2 being a spoilt DC that needs to be taught a lesson.

From a personal standpoint, I will say only this... having a DC at 19 and then another one while still being dependent on you doesn't strike me as a person who is having fun and living their best life at yours and DD1's expense. I believe you're right in offering the support you are offering but with some boundaries in place and possibly a plan to help DD2 make a plan. Some strong boundaries with your DM would be a good idea too. As for DD1 I can't say... I really think that you need to get some guidance there (and for all the aforementioned parties).