The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

You do sound quite enabling 🤷‍♀️

Someone needs to have a word with DD2 about contraception if she’s managed to get pregnant for a second time with her partner living two hours away and only seeing his child once a week !!

Sorry - I just don’t agree that she massively favours her youngest. She sees her youngest every day. Her eldest lives in another country. How could their relationships not be different?

I never usually fall on the side of the parent in these types of the threads but, aside from the school fees, I just don’t see what the OP has done/is doing wrong.

I can well imagine that the eldest feels like she is missing out, but…she lives in another country. Of course she is going to miss out.

I’m 50 and recently separated and that’s made it harder. My parents made a huge fuss of my sister when she got divorced 10 years ago - helped with childcare, housing, money, we all had to rally round etc. That divorce has been the centre of everything ever since and the reason why my sister (who has never really worked) has been given everything on a plate. None if them even bothered to visit me when I split up with my husband. I bought my own damn house. I’ve managed - I’ve had to - but it’s a very lonely feeling and scary knowing you never have a ‘safe’ person or any kind of safety net. I think the combination of all this and menopause as well has hit me hard tbh.

I do know I’m a great mum to my own kids though. Really close to both and they know I’d run through a wall for them! My sister, sadly, is reneacting the toxic family dynamic with her own kids - the oldest, the ‘scapegoat’, hates her and she really can’t see why.

If you really can’t see it despite the hundreds of comments in this thread explaining it, then there’s nothing I can add.

@AnonymousBleep that sounds so, so hard. Not having a "safe" person at all anymore. I have my DH, but I'm not sure how much I trust anyone else. Because if my own parents don't care, why should anyone else? So I get it - no matter how many friends you have, it's really hard not to feel completely alone. But well done with your kids!!! I hope some day to feel sure I'm doing ok with mine 💜

🤣

You can't see how she favours the youngest?!
The youngest lives with her, she and her DC are fully provided for financial, given constant emotional support, nursery is funded, private school is now being paid for, DD2 has apparently always needed and received more emotional support and encouragement, apparently because the OP has to admit (under duress) that DD1 is more intelligent and attractive. DD1 receives a visit ONCE a year. DD2 is now pregnant for a second time, despite being completely dependent, the first child (4) seeing their father once/week, with no plans for this to change and is still being propped up and coddled.
Are you sure you can't see how the OP blatantly favours the younger DD?!

I just don’t agree that she massively favours her youngest. She sees her youngest every day. Her eldest lives in another country. How could their relationships not be different?

DD1 hasn't lived abroad all this time and OP has said she was always compensating as in her opinion, DD1 got enough praise from other people, so she made sure DD2 was favoured at home

OP also seems to have no issue with DD2 turning around and calling DD1 a slut when she made a bid to connect with her younger sister. All she did was pass it off as bickering because DD1 snapped back, and told her she should consider learning how to use contraception.

A point she's very right about, considering DD2 is now pregnant yet again.

I can't imagine brushing off misogynistic language between siblings like that. OP is coddling DD2. I'd be willing to bet the argument above isn't the only time DD2 has turned around and said something bitter and malicious that OP has brushed off because she was "bullied in school" and needed support.

It sounds like your Mum has given you a lot to think about.
in your post you have put that your mum is going to see DD1 for her birthday, does she visit her a lot? I am thinking if this is more than you, maybe DD1 is happy to have her grandparents but less keen on visits from you. If this is the case, i think this is a clear sign you need to do something.

I know you have said you are happy with the current set up for DD2, paying school fees is amazing for your grand son, but I don’t think it is the best parenting for you DD2, we have a role as parents to support our children to independence.
Your posts do read like someone who doesn’t want to change the current set ups, that’s completely fine but I do think you risk the distance deepening.

I'm guessing you missed the part where the OP said she would praise DD2 more because DD1 got more praise from other sources because that is blatant favouritism. And the part where she takes dd2 and dgc on multiple holidays a year but won't take dd1 on a holiday for her. And the part where she has spent the last 5 years putting a roof over dd2 and dgc heads but does nothing for dd1. The least the OP could have done was give dd1 money for moving costs, or flights home, or paid part of her rent, or just something.

But there are not hundreds of comments explaining anything. Most of the comments are either from people airing their own resentments towards their siblings, or saying that it’s not fair on DD1.

But what isn’t fair, exactly?

Just because one sibling is at a stage in life where they don’t need or want support from their parents, doesn’t mean that no support is to be given to any of the other siblings.

Supporting your child when they need it, is not favouritism. It’s really sad that so many adults seem to see it that way.

If there is anything people on Mumsnet seem to hate more than children, it’s siblings.

Yup. You can be certain that the OP has minimised DD2's unpleasant behaviour in any arguments and made excuses for her constantly. Of course DD1 lives abroad!

The more I read, the more I think the person picking favourites here is you.

Look if her own family Members who know her and both daughters are pointing out. There is an issue. Either just granny sees it as an issue or dd1 and granny believe there is an issue.

The actual people Involved.

Op might want to stay blind but there is an issue.

A consequence is not a punishment. DD1 is feeling the consequences of her sister getting pregnant - no room for her at her parents, an expectation that she fawns over her nephew, her parents have less time and money for her. D

Do we punish people related to those getting pregnant now?

They aren't 'airing their resentments'! They are explaining how this sort of appalling parenting and blatant favouritism has been extremely damaging to them and their families. They are trying to help the OP to avoid this situation, the situation which she has caused within her family. Why are you so happy to dismiss the needs of the DD1 and focus solely on DD2's 'needs'. What she needs is to grow up and be encouraged to take some responsibility for herself. She and her partner also NEED to learn to use contraception.

My mother did this for one of siblings, but would never have done it for me, as she always said where I lived was "too cold." I never asked, because I knew the answer ...

Do we ever not benefit from support from our parents (providing they are decent parents of course)? The support may vary throughout our lives but surely any support helps.

There are some pretty obvious ways the OP's eldest could benefit from support. I doubt renting in Paris is cheap, the OP could offer to contribute to her daughter's rent. That would free up some of dd1's money for either savings, other goals or fun stuff. Given she has saved dd2 tens of thousands, giving a little financial assistance to dd1 shouldn't be a problem.

Crikey, DD2 is taking you and your DH for a ride isn’t she

It’s really weird how okay you are about your daughter who lives at home still choosing to have another baby when she’s not living independently or with her partner properly. Can’t you see this is poor decision making and taking advantage of you? Or are you and DD2 codependent? Seems like you wanted another shot of parenting babies.
I’d have been horrified if my children had a kid so young and then had the nerve to have another while still in my house.
No wonder your DD1 feels pushed out- she has been! DD2 has really staked her claim to you and now when DD1 visits she’s offered her sister’s bed, whilst she sees you all playing happy families.

@Allosie is long gone, isn't she?

Vivi0, it’s obvious that you don’t understand but please try to see how it’s a fact that this situation is ‘a script’ that many posters here are too familiar with. These patterns exist and are very hurtful and damaging.

an expectation that she fawns over her nephew,

The horror!