Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

[Notenoughsleeptoday]

A week ago DD13 announced at dinner that she would be going to the town next to us (10 minutes away by train) with her friends, but instead of saying the name of that town, I heard her say 'London' (which is an hour away). I said "London?!" and she said that she didn't say London but said the name of the town next to us. The town name is nothing like London. My husband insisted that she said the name of the town and I thought it was a bit odd, but dismissed it as my mistake. My husband now admits that he wasn't actually listening to the conversation.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to buy the train tickets but she said her friend's mum is buying it. This seemed feasible as an adult travelling with a child, the child's ticket is only £1, whereas buying it alone is more expensive.

This morning she left for the town with her friends from school, which I've never met - I don't know any of her school friends. My husband dropped her off and said that she had got the time wrong and that's why her friends weren't there, but they'll be arriving soon.

This afternoon she text me to say that the shops weren't accepting her card and it might be because she doesn't have enough money, so could I transfer £60 and she'll pay me back. I text back asking why she wants so much money and then I checked her location, she was in Stratford. It's quite out of character for her to lie about where she was going especially as I would have let her go anyway if there was an adult present and also I've never known her to want to spend so much money, so I asked her to phone me to check it was really her. She called and insisted that she needed £60 for some really cute boots and although she has that much in cash, the shop only accepts card. I agreed and put £65 on her card. She then went to Zara and spent £35, not £60. I text to ask why she asked for £60 for boots and she said that they must have been reduced at the till. I asked why she lied about where she was going and she said that Stratford and our local town sound similar and she got them mixed up.

She then text to say her card wasn't working again - it is a bit of a crap bank and the card often fails - and she couldn't buy lunch as everywhere they have tried is card only. I told her to give the cash to a friend or the mum and they pay for the food, but she said that they won't do that. I can't imagine a mum being pointlessly difficult and letting a child go hungry.

Any of these alone, I wouldn't have even noticed, but everything together is seeming a bit suspicious. Her accidentally saying London and then coincidentally going to London, her not needing me to buy the ticket to the local town, her arriving at the station at the wrong time so my husband couldn't actually see her friends or the mum, her requesting huge amounts of money for boots and then only spending half of it, the mum happily paying for her train ticket but letting her go hungry by not accepting cash from my daughter and paying by card.

Or maybe I'm just being over the top.

This. A hundred times this.

You know something is off. Get on it now.

I would go and get her and ground her, what if something happened to her and you had no idea where she was.

My daughter is 12 and wouldn't be announcing at all shes going to some other town. She would ask permission first.

Point number2, I agree it's suspicious and you should have confirmed with other mum and your husband should have stayed at the station to confirm friend and mother were there. 13 is still very young to go bashing around London even if they are just going to.be in Westfield. Im an hour from London and loce Stratford but I wouldn't send money for the boots and how on earth is she going to pay you back?
Id go there myself and track her up until i found her and see who she is really with.

The bank card/prices of boots/lunch plans all sound bizzare.

Hear hear

Your DD didn't lie to you and is trustworthy. OP's DD is lying to her parents and might be alone and at risk. Her bank card is not working either.

The lying is not good. Just to try to look at both sides though - We had a friend at school with incredibly strict parents, who would have to lie to live any kind of teenager life. She’d go absolutely off the rails any time she did escape. Very sad.

if mine wanted to go to london it would be a long journey - if they wanted to go to for example Manchester / Chester / Liverpool that would be only an hour and I’d be ok. But not with the lies.

if you cannot or will not trust them or you just want to micromanage them I can imagine them lying - if their mates have more money / freedom.

only you will know what the reality is.

I think she is lying but my guess would be a London trip with a mate seems more likely than a groomer scenario, Hope I’m right. My daughter was going to London with mates at that age. Seemed v young at first but they are growing up. I’d be very angry at the lying. Time for some talks on safety. She will get more freedom as she proves she is responsible as there are risks out there. Lying and being sneaky doesn’t get rewarded with more freedom.maybe only allow her a few hours with mates at the weekend for a while so she doesn’t go to London again but be prepared that more freedom and responsibility is what she wants/ needs in the coming year.

It's Hyperjar, and the card really does often fail. I've suggested going to a better bank and opening an account and she wants to, but whenever I ask her to come to town with me, she can't be bothered as she rarely uses the card anyway.

I've rung her twice now and she's not answering.

I thought she was taking a 10 minute journey to the next town, it's a perfectly normal thing for a 13 year old to do. She doesn't need 'handing over to an adult' to do a short train journey alone or with friends.

Ya, unless the tracker actually pinpoint the specific location. My son was in a busy mall but it told me he was in either the mcdonalds or the vape shop next door. Thankfully it was mcdonald's because I hate vaping

good idea, but if the person/people she was with had already got off, you wouldn’t see them.

I’d be tempted to have one parent wait at the home station, as you suggested. The other parent get the train to Stratford and wait at the station to see who she gets on the train with or who walks her to the station.

I thought she was taking a 10 minute journey to the next town, it's a perfectly normal thing for a 13 year old to do. She doesn't need 'handing over to an adult' to do a short train journey alone or with friends.

Given your current OP, perhaps she does!

I think it's fine for a 13 year to go to London just with friends, I don't think most 13 year olds would want a parent with them. So I think it's possible she lied because she knew you'd say no.

It's not ok to lie but I wouldn't be rushing to rescue her from grooming on the evidence of one single incident, I'd be looking at the bigger picture. Do you check her phone, have you seen anything suspicious? Are you confident you know where she is after school? Does she usually meet her curfew?

If everything else seems okay I'd treat this as a one off push for more independence. Which you can discuss with her when things are calmer, starting with the need for honesty.

She's up to something and I doubt another adult is present. Did she go to meet girls she met online? I work with young people and this happens often

You can open a Starling account on-line abd she can have a supplementary card. Never fails abd really goid rates if using overseas.

I’d go find her if you can and get her home!!

Thinking back to when I was 13, I was a terrible teen and meeting people I shouldn’t be meeting. I’d often lie to my parents and be hours away. At one point I was even hours away from home meeting some boy off of the chat sites. My parents never knew.

It could be innocent but a lot of the bits don’t add up to just meeting friends.

I think it's the volume of lies that worrying

If she was just going to London with friends why would she not just say her friends mum is going with them? She's already made that lie anyway? She was obviously always intending on going to Stratford, but I guess my concern would be who she's with

The £60 is odd, and the no lunch is odd. Any friend would happily buy lunch surely in exchange for cash or an IOU?

You’re definitely right to be suspicious.
Like someone else upthread said, watch her location and see exactly who she’s with when she walks out of the station (you’ll have to find a good vantage point).

Get on top of this, because once they start lying, it becomes part of them very quickly.

The lying would be enough for me to not allow her to do this again . If you can't trust her to tell you where she's going and who with it's a big issue. She could be meeting anyone .

You need to check who has been messaging her.

I think it’s fine if the child is familiar with London and its transport systems. My girls visit London 4 or 5 times a year but I’d still be uncomfortable with them being there completely alone with no adult back up nearish.

I'd be worried about your DD having been groomed online. Needing the cash is very suspicious. Can you check her recent online activity on laptop before she left home? You do at least have the tracker on her phone. I don't understand why she can't buy her lunch with change left from buying th boots? Don't send her any more cash. If she says something like she's lost her ticket you can ring station explaining your DD has lost her ticket and they will allow you to buy a ticket over phone for her to collect at station.

No, he's younger and certainly not who she would confide in. I asked him anyway and he didn't know.

Mm. The little lie that you've caught is where she is.

I warrant the BIG lie is WHO she is with. Thats what would worry me because if it was a friend you know and trust, why lie. So it isn't is it? It's someone she's met online, someone you do not know.

I don't know that I'd be happy to wait and see if she gets off a train when you expect her to.

My guess is that there’s no adult present. She’s just shopping and having lunch with her friends. Nowhere takes cash these days so she needs you to put money in her account. Her friends aren’t going to convert her cash for her as they will have the same problem.

Just have a chat to her about lying when she gets home. Westfield is perfectly safe for a few 13 year olds on a Saturday afternoon.

It's extremely obvious what she is up to.