Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

[Notenoughsleeptoday]

A week ago DD13 announced at dinner that she would be going to the town next to us (10 minutes away by train) with her friends, but instead of saying the name of that town, I heard her say 'London' (which is an hour away). I said "London?!" and she said that she didn't say London but said the name of the town next to us. The town name is nothing like London. My husband insisted that she said the name of the town and I thought it was a bit odd, but dismissed it as my mistake. My husband now admits that he wasn't actually listening to the conversation.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to buy the train tickets but she said her friend's mum is buying it. This seemed feasible as an adult travelling with a child, the child's ticket is only £1, whereas buying it alone is more expensive.

This morning she left for the town with her friends from school, which I've never met - I don't know any of her school friends. My husband dropped her off and said that she had got the time wrong and that's why her friends weren't there, but they'll be arriving soon.

This afternoon she text me to say that the shops weren't accepting her card and it might be because she doesn't have enough money, so could I transfer £60 and she'll pay me back. I text back asking why she wants so much money and then I checked her location, she was in Stratford. It's quite out of character for her to lie about where she was going especially as I would have let her go anyway if there was an adult present and also I've never known her to want to spend so much money, so I asked her to phone me to check it was really her. She called and insisted that she needed £60 for some really cute boots and although she has that much in cash, the shop only accepts card. I agreed and put £65 on her card. She then went to Zara and spent £35, not £60. I text to ask why she asked for £60 for boots and she said that they must have been reduced at the till. I asked why she lied about where she was going and she said that Stratford and our local town sound similar and she got them mixed up.

She then text to say her card wasn't working again - it is a bit of a crap bank and the card often fails - and she couldn't buy lunch as everywhere they have tried is card only. I told her to give the cash to a friend or the mum and they pay for the food, but she said that they won't do that. I can't imagine a mum being pointlessly difficult and letting a child go hungry.

Any of these alone, I wouldn't have even noticed, but everything together is seeming a bit suspicious. Her accidentally saying London and then coincidentally going to London, her not needing me to buy the ticket to the local town, her arriving at the station at the wrong time so my husband couldn't actually see her friends or the mum, her requesting huge amounts of money for boots and then only spending half of it, the mum happily paying for her train ticket but letting her go hungry by not accepting cash from my daughter and paying by card.

Or maybe I'm just being over the top.

Stupid question, but why would 13 year old want to go to London?

Yeah, I mean it's just a really boring little hamlet with nothing going on there....

Ok mama first breath and don’t worry. Nothing unusual here. A mum of a number of kids aged between 10 and 23 here:-) They are great kids, in fact they are incredible - responsible, kind and doing amazingly at school. BUT I will just say this. Remember this and don’t listen to anyone who disagrees: How do you know when a teenager is lying? When their lips are moving. That’s it. End of. It’s the age. At 13 they lie. About many things. Necessarily and unnecessarily. Always be suspicious because their safety is your job. You have a girl, so put a tracker on her phone and you must both agree that it’s there, for her safety, which is what it’s there for and no other reason. This tracker is non negotiable and so is the information about where and who she goes places with. It’s not about not trusting them, it’s about what others can do to them, it’s a sick world out there. Have a mild conversation with her and put a tracker. Don’t investigate this particular case but from this point on things must be different. She is off with a friend? You need to have the number and the name of the friend. They are off to London with a frinds’s mum? You need to have that mums number. You won’t be calling it and you daughter must know this. But if one day God forbid you are sitting at home and it’s 11 pm and she hasn’t returned, you having this information could save her life. It’s as simple as that.

I forgot to say OP, as an interim measure, the only thing that sorted the Hyperjar issues for us was replacing both DTs cards.
I was so cross after so much effort to get them working for their bus journey home and them getting rejected again and again that Hyperjar replaced both for free in the end (wanted to charge £5 initially). No problems for months and months now, so worth a go?!

Forget about mum and friends,
id be more concerned that she is being groomed and meeting with someone who is trying to build up her trust. You need to sit down and speak to her and tell her she is not going anywhere until you meet these “friends” and their mum

I hope your daughter is safely back at home.

When I was 13 I used to go shopping in Northampton (because they had TopShop and MK didn’t) from MK, as far as my parents knew. But actually got the train on the other platform to London instead so we could go to Oxford Circus.

That was before mobiles and in the height of the IRA bomb days. We once had a massive panic about getting home as all the trains were impacted by an evacuation.

I have never confessed but as a parent now it’s pretty horrifying what teens will do. I still cringe about it.

Very good point. He may have been in a hurry but DDs safety must take priority.

Is she home now OP?

Pleased she’s home safe. Did she buy boots? Was the mum with them?

Under 14 it’s important to keep a close eye, while encouraging them to start being independent. And drumming common sense into them.

My DS (16 at time) lied to me about where he was. Said he was staying at a mate’s nearby but was actually at a different friend’s, a train ride away, along with mate 1 - who had told his mum. I couldn’t track him.

I said I knew he was sensible. And I didn’t want to spy on him. But if I’d heard there’d been an incident where he actually was (train crash, attack, riot etc), I’d have thought nothing of it, then been doubly blindsided if I’d got a phone call saying he was hurt/distressed - or wouldn’t be able to warn him if he was at risk. Also, if he’d disappeared, we’d be searching in the wrong place. And that’s why I’ve always let flatmates/partners know where I was going, even as an adult. Seemed to work for him to look at it that way, rather than because I needed to know where he was for the sake of it, because he was a kid.

Obvs, being known to lie also betrays trust and means you’re never believed.

All very suspicious. You need to have it out with her. She's up to something.

FFS can people please read the thread before posting. At the very least read the updates from the OP.

Omg my alarm bells would be ringing so hard.
I would be waiting at the station for her to get back.
Do you have any way of tracking her phone?

Oh come on now this is ridiculous.

If you won't read the OP's updates, at least read the date of the opening post!

From that age I was going to a big city alone with friends. I had friends who would frequently lie to their parents but I never needed to as we had a very open and straightforward relationship. They did sometimes say no to things, I’m not saying you should be allowing her to do anything she wants to, but I do think a heart to heart might be better idea than punishment, that will just teach her to lie better so she doesn’t get caught.

I think I would have checked through her phone op to clarify things. I'm all for privacy but at 13 if they have a smartphone then it would be a clear condition for having one that I have full access to it whenever I want to make sure they're using it safely.

It's the boots that don't add up for me. What teenager whose short on money doesn't miss a £25 reduction in price?

Glad shes safe and back OP. I would highly recommend you get to know her school friends though, get their mums numbers just incase etc. My parents had my friends and their parents mobile numbers when I was a teenager. You shouldn't be in a situation where if she didn't answer her phone you're just waiting for a response.
You senisbly have find my phone or whatever turned on but if she had been meeting someone/gotten groomed or whatever then the first thing a predator would do is turn her phone off.

I still think there's some suspicious behaviour going off here, I'd keep an eye on the situation. Definitely get her a proper bank card!

Thank you for the update.. much appreciated.

I'd be seriously worried and getting myself to Stratford. I suspect she is not with a parent if any friends at all and all her lies not adding up why lie about the boots for a start . I would have been tempted to wait at station to see if any friends turned up.
Re the card, have you been witness to it not working well or has your daughter possibly used it as a way to obtain money from you before?
Hope shes ok and that she learns a valuable lesson

Why would you be going to Stratford two days later when DD is already home?

Why do so many people not read all the OP's posts before commenting?

You’ve been well and truly had, OP.

In what way?

I'm really pleased she got back safe and that the situation was as she said (with friends and a mum with them). I'm one of the busybody posters who guessed boyfriend or unsuitable friends and I'm sorry about that but also glad I was wrong.

Sounds like she was just a bit vague whether deliberately (because she's starting to resist telling you absolutely everything) or absentmindedly - both fairly normal for teens. Hope things are ok now and hope you can sort a better banking app/card with her.

I can solve the banking issue for you straight away- Monzo. You set it all up in the app, no need to go anywhere. They send the card quickly in the post but I also recommend adding it to her Apple wallet on her phone so she can use it whenever even if she forgets the card.

That issue aside, the lying could be a concern but for me if you’re happy enough to accept she was with her friends and wasn’t, for example and it’s a horrible thought but, meeting up with a groomer she’s met on the web then it’s kind of typical teenage behaviour.

When I was 14 my mum wouldn’t let me go to gigs alone with my friends, she wanted an adult to come with us but that was mortifying. I’d always tell her I was sleeping over at my friends but we’d go to the gigs. I also told her I was staying at my friend’s one weekend but in actual fact we went down to London, I grew up in Yorkshire so this was a big trip! We wanted to see a gig down there. Always makes me think of the poor boy from Doncaster who I personally think did the same thing, Andrew Gosden. He was the same age as us and he went missing around the time we went down there. Anyway I digress…

Teenagers do stupid things. It’s usually because they know their parents will say no. She knew you wouldn’t allow the trip to London I guess.

A delicate balance here. My mum treated me as problematic and assumed I was lying from the minute I turned 13 and it affected out relationship and still does. I'm 59 now for context.

My view would be to wait for her to get home, but don't pounce on her the minute she walks through the door, allow her to settle back and then either a bit later or the next day, explain how you feel and give her chance to explain. Explain why you were worried - especially as it was the first time she had done a big trip like this, that you wouldn't have said no if there was going to be an adult present etc etc.
Explain that you are upset and disappointed that she might have lied and that lying isn't acceptable - you want her to spread her wings but you also want her to be safe.

I'd then issue a minor sanction if you are still convinced she is lying.