Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

[Notenoughsleeptoday]

A week ago DD13 announced at dinner that she would be going to the town next to us (10 minutes away by train) with her friends, but instead of saying the name of that town, I heard her say 'London' (which is an hour away). I said "London?!" and she said that she didn't say London but said the name of the town next to us. The town name is nothing like London. My husband insisted that she said the name of the town and I thought it was a bit odd, but dismissed it as my mistake. My husband now admits that he wasn't actually listening to the conversation.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to buy the train tickets but she said her friend's mum is buying it. This seemed feasible as an adult travelling with a child, the child's ticket is only £1, whereas buying it alone is more expensive.

This morning she left for the town with her friends from school, which I've never met - I don't know any of her school friends. My husband dropped her off and said that she had got the time wrong and that's why her friends weren't there, but they'll be arriving soon.

This afternoon she text me to say that the shops weren't accepting her card and it might be because she doesn't have enough money, so could I transfer £60 and she'll pay me back. I text back asking why she wants so much money and then I checked her location, she was in Stratford. It's quite out of character for her to lie about where she was going especially as I would have let her go anyway if there was an adult present and also I've never known her to want to spend so much money, so I asked her to phone me to check it was really her. She called and insisted that she needed £60 for some really cute boots and although she has that much in cash, the shop only accepts card. I agreed and put £65 on her card. She then went to Zara and spent £35, not £60. I text to ask why she asked for £60 for boots and she said that they must have been reduced at the till. I asked why she lied about where she was going and she said that Stratford and our local town sound similar and she got them mixed up.

She then text to say her card wasn't working again - it is a bit of a crap bank and the card often fails - and she couldn't buy lunch as everywhere they have tried is card only. I told her to give the cash to a friend or the mum and they pay for the food, but she said that they won't do that. I can't imagine a mum being pointlessly difficult and letting a child go hungry.

Any of these alone, I wouldn't have even noticed, but everything together is seeming a bit suspicious. Her accidentally saying London and then coincidentally going to London, her not needing me to buy the ticket to the local town, her arriving at the station at the wrong time so my husband couldn't actually see her friends or the mum, her requesting huge amounts of money for boots and then only spending half of it, the mum happily paying for her train ticket but letting her go hungry by not accepting cash from my daughter and paying by card.

Or maybe I'm just being over the top.

You're right, that's quite a leap to have made. I do think she's lied about something, but I don't think it's as serious as some posters are insisting.

At the very least you need to be at the station to see who she gets off the train with. Would you have allowed her to go into London (with a friend's mum) if she had told you that was the plan? Does she know you track her location?

It seems like a deliberate attempt to deceive but as she's given you the mum's number maybe not. If it's another child's number, not an adult, that should be clear when you call. I would think any adult would be fine giving you reassurance that they are, in fact, looking after your 13 year old.

At the very least, you need a bit more info about her friends and exactly where she's going.

Something is definitely off and she lied knowing her actual destination wasn’t the next town over.
I’d be very surprised if there was an adult with them, I think she has gone to London with a group of friends and like someone else has suggested, track her location and be there to meet her from the train discreetly to see who gets off.
I’ve a son the same age and I’ve told him there is one thing I won’t stand for is lying, and if I catch him out then I won’t trust him to go anywhere without me until he is older…
Knowing myself at 13 I definitely didn’t tell my parents the whole truth but some aspects of it, which they just accepted without question but 35 years ago things were a little different, but as a parent I do look back and wonder why they didn’t spot the fibs
I had awful problems with hyperjar, I tried it as a friend raved about being great and free to use.
All mine have a Go Henry card, we pay around £9.99 a month for the family subscription, which is for up to 4 children which includes their isas etc it’s really easy to use.
All of mine manage their own savings and move money between the savings/normal account and into the ISA.
The 13 year old has a Go Henry Card and a normal bank account so that he has a back up if he loses one, now he’s old enough to have a normal account if he was our only child I would have stopped the GO Henry, but it doesn’t cost us any less to not have him as part of the plan so he uses both and budgets both accounts.

Years ago a friend told me about a time her Dad had to pick her up with a friend after a bad party and she’d had to be truthful about where she was having already lied to him. He was quiet but pleasant enough to friend and clearly disappointed with her.

She said that was the most excruciating thing ever. The look of disappointment from her Dad.

She was truthful ever since!

Personally I’d not suggest collecting from train station with a face on. I’d great her from train - yes - but be quiet. Ask how her day went- let her trip herself up more.

Then sit down calmly later and say I know you haven’t been honest with us. And invite her to be truthful. Removing privileges as required!

I hope she hasn’t got Snapchat?
The worst App for secrecy as messages disappear.
(The police hate it as well).

Meeting her l of the train will only tell you who she's travelled with not who she's been with, so if she's just with friends it doesn't mean they haven't been to meet someone dubious.

So much this. The impulse is to get angry and start throwing around consequences. That’ll work once. If you manage to communicate your concern, cultivate space to talk, allow her to share, find out things and not go off the deep end, she might share more next time.

Making sure you do know the friends, do know what she’s doing online, do know how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking… it’ll be a very long decade otherwise.

It may not even show you that, given her friends weren’t at the station this morning. Maybe whoever she was with got on a train at a different station.

I expect shes with a bunch of kids including boys !!! & no adult !

It wasn't quite like that. She had told him prior to dinner that she was going to the local town, so at dinner when I said that she had said London, he confirmed that she had told him it was the local town. He wasn't really paying attention and so there were some wires crossed about when she had apparently said London and when she had said the other town.

I have three teens, and have been a lying teen myself - you’re right, there is defo something going on!

it probably isn’t anything sinister, from my experience my kids (well just the youngest really) have lied about some details when they think i’ll say no, in a asking for forgiveness not permission type of way. And I certainly did the same.

Going to meet her off the train is a good shout and should give you more of an idea of what’s going on.

For my friends (not me!) at 13 it would have been drink or boys or both (depending on who) and for other kids maybe drugs though that tended to be when a bit older. It’s definitely not a big leap to think a 13 year old girl would do something stupid and risky to meet a boy or help a friend to do so. Don’t forget she wanted money too. Why lie about the cost of boots? Clearly she intended to spend that money on something and I’d want to see her bank app and cash if possible to see how much she’s spent today and where.

OP have you called the mothera number you have been given? Sorry if ive missed that.

Could you send a message saying ‘Hope you’ve had a good day, looking forward to seeing what you bought. Send me a pic of you all so I can see what Emily and Holly look like. You talk about them so often, I want to put faces to the names!

Your instincts as mum are telling you somethings off ,i would listen to that instinct .
Get your 13 yr old DD home asap by hook or by crook!
Tell her you need her to come home and that you will collect her if necessary.
Ask for the name and details of the adult supposedly with your DD and contact her by phone for confirmation that your DD is safe.
Less of a priority right now but why would your husband say he heard you daughter say the name of the next town when he didnt hear anything,particularly as him saying he did undermined you ,thats gaslighting......?
Good luck.

At least she is texting etc but it does sound like she is omitting some details. Almost certainly no other adult present.

If it were me I wouldn't mind her going to London with friends at that age, you've got to start somewhere with navigating trains etc. I remember going an hour away into London aged 12 with 8 or so friends without adults, but all the parents were on board with the plan, in touch with each other, saying goodbye at the respective stations etc. They'd gone through the plan (pre trackers and mobiles) so they knew where we were going.

Her deception and why she didn't just ask you about the real plans definitely need addressing.

Ah, to be 13 again! :)

In all seriousness, she's definitely fibbing, but you can get to the bottom of it fairly easily (speak to the mum, check her bank records which will say where shes been spending etc), see that she really does come home with the boots and does pay you back, etc. I'd bet shes probably just meeting up with friends (and maybe some boys).

The question is really how to handle it so that she will feel like she has enough freedom but can also tell you the truth when asked. And most important, can come to you when she needs to. Deffo chat with hubby too, so that you're a united front moving forward.

I think I’d go and sit at the train station and see who she exits with. Don’t tell her. It’s one thing to deceive to go shopping with a mate (not great but they can do those things at a similar age) but quite another if eg, a man is involved.

Then have a proper sit down chat about the reasons honesty is important here.

Surely if she's given you the mums number you phone it immediately given your suspicions?

I’d be so angry about the lie. I’m pretty chill and my 16 year old has a lot of freedom (we live in London) but that is on the grounds that she is responsible and honest. Lying is an absolute no go and I’d ground my 13 year old for a month if she fucked off to another city and lied about it. I hope you get to the bottom of it!

You’d think

This does sound weird. I don’t blame you for not wanting her to go to Stratford. I’m from London and even I find it a dodgy area!

Get her a Monzo card, you don’t have to go into a bank at all, can all be done online.

Does he? No surprise.
You have minimised his lying to you in relation to where your daughter said she was going. You said 'he insisted she said the name of the town' and only now has he said he wasn't listening to what she said and doesn't know. That would raise a number of questions for me.
Your daughter clearly feels comfortable lying as she witnessed her Dad doing it. Suspect it's not the first time either.

If you don’t want to phone the mum (for whatever reason) save the number and then open it on WhatsApp and at least see the photo

Please don't be that naive. How many times have you read in the news where parents haven't had a clue what their teenagers were involved in. That's in situations where they thought they were close to them, that their dcs told them everything and never seemed the type to do things in their view.
In her defence, she's not good at deceipt so probably the first time. Maybe it's just her friends and her going shopping and pretending that the other friend's mum is going with them as maybe they thought they wouldn't otherwise be allowed. Either way, looks like she's lied to you and that's what I'd be concerned about. This can only escalate if it's not nipped in the bud now.
Ring her, demand she put the other parent on the phone. If she supposedly can't then go there.
Don't forget she's only 13 and vulnerable no matter how sensible she is