Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

[Notenoughsleeptoday]

A week ago DD13 announced at dinner that she would be going to the town next to us (10 minutes away by train) with her friends, but instead of saying the name of that town, I heard her say 'London' (which is an hour away). I said "London?!" and she said that she didn't say London but said the name of the town next to us. The town name is nothing like London. My husband insisted that she said the name of the town and I thought it was a bit odd, but dismissed it as my mistake. My husband now admits that he wasn't actually listening to the conversation.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to buy the train tickets but she said her friend's mum is buying it. This seemed feasible as an adult travelling with a child, the child's ticket is only £1, whereas buying it alone is more expensive.

This morning she left for the town with her friends from school, which I've never met - I don't know any of her school friends. My husband dropped her off and said that she had got the time wrong and that's why her friends weren't there, but they'll be arriving soon.

This afternoon she text me to say that the shops weren't accepting her card and it might be because she doesn't have enough money, so could I transfer £60 and she'll pay me back. I text back asking why she wants so much money and then I checked her location, she was in Stratford. It's quite out of character for her to lie about where she was going especially as I would have let her go anyway if there was an adult present and also I've never known her to want to spend so much money, so I asked her to phone me to check it was really her. She called and insisted that she needed £60 for some really cute boots and although she has that much in cash, the shop only accepts card. I agreed and put £65 on her card. She then went to Zara and spent £35, not £60. I text to ask why she asked for £60 for boots and she said that they must have been reduced at the till. I asked why she lied about where she was going and she said that Stratford and our local town sound similar and she got them mixed up.

She then text to say her card wasn't working again - it is a bit of a crap bank and the card often fails - and she couldn't buy lunch as everywhere they have tried is card only. I told her to give the cash to a friend or the mum and they pay for the food, but she said that they won't do that. I can't imagine a mum being pointlessly difficult and letting a child go hungry.

Any of these alone, I wouldn't have even noticed, but everything together is seeming a bit suspicious. Her accidentally saying London and then coincidentally going to London, her not needing me to buy the ticket to the local town, her arriving at the station at the wrong time so my husband couldn't actually see her friends or the mum, her requesting huge amounts of money for boots and then only spending half of it, the mum happily paying for her train ticket but letting her go hungry by not accepting cash from my daughter and paying by card.

Or maybe I'm just being over the top.

She’s totally lying but not sure what it’s about. At the very minimum I would say darling if you’re old enough to be going on these shopping trips then you’re old enough to change bank accounts so your card doesn’t fail - I get it never seems a priority use of your time but being available to immediately transfer l you money several times in a day isn’t a priority use of my time except on emergencies, so let me know when you want me to take you to change your account, and until then you will have to manage without your bank account if your card isn’t working.

its grow up time.

The main thing for me out of all of this is that you didn’t know the friends she was with, their details, who their parents are or their phone numbers.

What if something happened and you genuinely needed to get through to her or she didn’t show up at the train station.

My son is just 13 and is allowed out with friends but I need to know what friends and if I don’t know the parents, I always make sure to get their number. Just in case, ye never know!

Your DH is more trusting because he was never a teen girl.

What I find strange is you thought she said London the night before, she corrected you and said she didn’t say London then she ended up in London. She’s lying to your face and taking you for a mug. I can’t believe you rewarded her with money. Also, apart from westfiekd, Stratford is very rough, I wouldn’t be happy with my daughter ending up there with no apparent working card or adult present.

DANGEROUS RED FLAGS HERE.
SORRY. But 1 Lie is BAD enough, but MULTIPLE is taking the Pee.
YOU are the Adult. Get her told in No Uncertain Terms that YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT SHE'S UP TO. BECAUSE THERE IS NO POINT IN PROTECTING HER. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HER ( GOD FORBID ).
And I'm NOT suggesting that you are a bad parent, NAIVE maybe, but NOT Bad.
I hope that she Arrived home SAFELY.
But.if there's a NEXT time. DIG MORE. Because Kids Lie, ( I'm Speaking from Experience 😮🙃😉 ), to See how Far they Can PUSH our buttons, but in this Day, and Age. We have to. SADLY. Be SO CAREFUL.
Hope you got to the Bottom of this.
GOOD LUCK ❤️ 👍

Glad she's back ok OP. 3 teens here and I would have been worried. 13 is too young to be going out without me knowing exactly who with..imo....they moan and complain here about giving out friends parents numbers but actually it is usually handy and works out fine. Totally normal thar she wants to go to that shopping centre but you need to know who with, if I was dropping off at train station I wouldn't have left until friends come. Your dh is too relaxed and seemingly oblivious of the potential dangers here...time for a chat (and new bank account)

i would assume she was lying, had made plans to go to Westfield Stratford and that there is no parent with them.

Yeah I’d have probably parked up and waited!

This is why social media needs to be banned for under 16s.

@Notenoughsleeptoday the fact that she was with 3 school friends and a parent is actually concerning because why did she lie? You yourself have said that if she had come to you and explained you would have said yes. And at her age saying yes makes sense and taken the details etc and all would have been fine.

But she lied in a lie that was going to be caught out and that is what you need to discuss. For both of your sakes in setting out how it works going forward and creating sensible boundaries.

I got caught out at 17 - we were starting to go clubbing and the local club sent out free tickets when you turned 18 and a friend of mine gave me one. I then happened to leave my wallet and through a series of events the wallet got to my parents who on checking it was my wallet saw the ticket. They realised I lied and it opened up a discussion I was too scared to have about going out clubbing and it really ended up being positive as we set out boundaries/ground rules that existed actually until I left home

Yet again blaming social media instead of actually parenting the child.

What on earth has social media got to do with this? Apart from it is much harder to do nowadays with all the tracking apps/pictures on social media etc these types of things happened when we were young (see above)

Indeed, plus kids have been getting trains and meeting up with friends (and lying to their parents) long before SM.

Hmm. Really? Surely you could have told, from the voice, whether or not you were speaking to a female adult?
And why did DD tell you she was going to the next town with them, rather than telling you the truth about them going to London?

The main issue is that she felt she had to lie to you about going to a shopping centre during the middle of the day with some friends. It sounds like DH would have happily let her go, and thought you were overreacting.

I think it’s perfectly fine for a bunch of 13 year olds to go to Stratford without an adult. She lied because she knew you would say no without an adult. Lying is not helpful - so she should understand that it’s not safe if you don’t know where she is. But unnecessarily strict rules mean kids lie to you and it’s less safe.

.

What has SM got to do with any of this?

And the OP didn't "have a chance" to talk to her DD about it when she did get home.

I see a lot of threads like this in the OP's future if she doesn't nip this in the bud and get a bit tougher / stricter.

I’d think so too, if you were fairly local to it, it’s near the station and the actual shopping centre will I imagine have a comparable amount of cctv to Fort Knox. It’s comparable to Bull ring Birmingham for me probably and that to me is year 9 (school years matter).

But I would want to know exactly who she was with and be reasonably sure they were sensible kids. And I would want assurance they were only going to Westfield and be clear that was the only place she was allowed to go (although that would I imagine get the confused ‘where else would I go’ stare.) But it’s good to be clear.

But other parents generally don’t allow it - for me getting the train to places without an adult is important independence.

I'd go with your gut feeling.. I'd be the same you don't know who she is meeting if it's all innocent then great.
If it isn't your not being over the top you are being a good parent x

County lines. Be careful

Id get a Revolut bank account with a free kids one. You can see everything they buy and set spending limits etc. Works very well.

Oh dear, I would be very concerned. You need to handle this swiftly. It's difficult but too many things don't add up. 😙

Are u serious? 🙄