Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

Why is it not down to both of you to sort it out rather than Not my problem'. ?

Perhaps the answer is for him to say he cant take the new job and let you worry about bringing the money in.

It doesn’t fully start until January 2027. From 1st April this year employees will have rights from day one, and from 1st January 2027 the threshold for unfair dismissal drops to six months.

You say it’s not your problem but it’s your child so it’s the problem both of you have

OP I hear you. People are saying it’s for both of you to sort, and under ordinary circumstances that’s true but this has been a quick changes foisted upon your family and he’s leaving you to deal with the consequences of his actions. I see why that upsets you and I’m not sure why others can’t recognise that.

if he’s regularly losing his job and you’re forever having to rearrange your employment around his latest foray into whatever field is next that seems unfair without enough advance warning to allow you both to adapt appropriately.

This requires a conversation that is bigger than just childcare. He needs to recognise there are consequences to his behaviours and that you shouldn’t have to be cleaning up his mess while he moves forward.

I don’t have an answer to the problem at hand - something clearly needs to be done in the short term while you work on the larger issue.

@FumingFeline, ignore this, it’s absolute bullshit.

I’m glad it’s all somewhat sorted but I get your anger. A childcare problem arising from his new job is not for you to fix alone, you’re not the magic solution maker. It’s something you should be able to work on together and i
absolutely would have responded as you did last night. Your DH also knows he was wrong, hence why he is now rewriting history by saying he only meant there would be a problem if your inlaws can’t do pick up.

If you took the time to read the OP’s posts you would see that is exactly what she is saying - it is not “her” problem, it should be both of their problem however her DH just handed it to her to fix.

Could you ask around including the school if any other parent could collect DC who lived near by? You would then have to pay them the hourly rate plus some petrol until DC can take public transport. The FIL sound a dangerous driver.

He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her.

This is very weird: "you'll" have to do it, not "I will have to..." or "we will have to..." It does sound like he thinks the children are your responsibility and not his, even in a case where he has caused the problem. A long-term disruption of the children's routine is definitely a factor to be considered in deciding whether to take this job, and it doesn't take sound like he even discussed it with you before accepting. (As you said, how would you have ever guessed that his parents could no longer help as they always have?) It's fine for him to ask you to help brainstorm a solution, but do not take it on as a problem, and don't accept the downstream grunt work - he's equally well placed to ask the other mum to help, and probably more so to ask his parents.

I think you’re both being unreasonable. Instead of working your schedules out and figuring out what you need to do for your kids - you’re both acting like morons.

That’s a bit harsh of the employer

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem'.

The second you have children they become the number one responsibility in your life until they are no longer dependent. Kids aren't dumb, they will grow up to know you both resent the impact they have on your life and how they inconvenience you.

Instead of arguing over who has to be a parent you just needs to grow up and step up to your actual responsibilities. Jobs and money come and go but you choose to bring a child who needs you into the world.

I would tell him that you're not going to do anything about it and you're going to make sure his number is the first number that the school calls.

How old are the kids - can they get themselves home?
Or can they stay at one of their friends houses after school?

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem

this is yet another situation where the woman is expected to do all the administrative work for her husband while he Gets to chop and change his life and job and leave her to deal with the consequences. She is not his secretary and his child’s wellbeing and care is his equal responsibility. It’s nothing to do with OP not wanting parental responsibility and everything to do with her not wanting to be her husbands unpaid secretary and do all the additional mental and administrative load that he seems happy to leave her with. He is not her child and she doesn’t owe him a responsibility to sort the problems of his own doing.

If she continually deals with the problems that arise from his chaos then he has no incentive to stop being chaotic because she will pick up the pieces each and every time. A week of him having to sort this out should allow him to see the sacrifices he expects her to make without so much as a heads up warning or a ln adult conversation about it

The OP has repeatedly said that it is not “her” problem because it is “their” problem. She objects, rightly, to her husband seeing it as her problem to solve.

He had to get another job and he did so pretty instantly, would you prefer him to wait until one comes up that allows him to do the pick ups? Can you manage if he didn't have a job for a few months waiting for the right one?

Why do you think the elderly relative shouldn't be driving? And how old are they? And it seems you still have his parents to fall back on, seems like you are picking a fight over nothing really.

The elderly relative has been known to go the wrong way round a roundabout 😳

It insanely sad when parents argue over who should have parental responsibility because neither wants to put their child first. Deadbeat parenting at its finest, I cannot image a scenario in this world where I would describe my own young child as 'not my problem

yes and this often happens when couples divorce and then say "it's not my weekend to have the kids". Tough - it's your kids. Ridiculous attitude to have.

But in this I agree with the OP. Her husband has changed jobs and changed the scenario - so he should be sorting out childcare. It always falls to the woman. Why?

So you mean the OP has to give way and sort it because she's the mother?

How many times does that happen I wonder.

that seems harsh tbh

You both should put heads together and sort it. Work as a team. There are many childminder services where they include pickup from school and holding a child for an hour or two. If neither of you can pick up the child and nobody else can step in, this is the answer. Don't waste time being mad at each other; get on and sort it.

The OP did try to work together with her husband to sort it. He refused to do any work to come up with safe solutions, and insisted it was OP’s issue to sort out on her own, despite the problem being a direct result of the husband getting sacked.

As other posters have said, you can only work as a team when your team mate is prepared to share the workload and work with you.

I mean. Both of you are the parent

if my child was not being able to be picked up I would see it as my issue too. It’s my child.

I couldn’t just leave it to my husband as it’s my child.

Could he take on more involvement with DC in the morning if he starts work later? Just to reinforce for both of you that you make adjustments where necessary and it's not always down to you. Glad that you've had a calm discussion today and, hopefully, reached a solution.

The bottom line is that your husband effed up and lost his job. Yes, we all make mistakes, but he's leaving you to deal with a mess that he made.