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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not My Problem

258 replies

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:04

BlanketBlues · 16/01/2026 21:44

Why is it not a problem for both of you? If you Fall Down the Stairs and break your leg is that also Only a you problem? Atleast he has a Job? I agree his attitude suck but it is not just his problem either?

If I threw myself down the stairs, it would be a me problem! But yeah, he'd need to deal with it because I'd be in hospital - possibly a psychiatric ward!

Jokes aside, I guess it's the way it was sold to me. He cannot be accountable and he's leaving it to me to sort it. That's why I'm touchy.

OP posts:
Taweofterror · 16/01/2026 22:05

I think you're both being really odd to be honest. I guess that's a symptom of things not being great between you.

In a healthy relationship you would have discussed and decided between you what to do about the new job and childcare i.e. decided together whether he should take it and how the childcare could or would be covered.

A solution to the childcare issue should have been sought before accepting the job. Did he just not tell you about the new hours or did you know but assume he'd find a solution? You seem to be operating as two individuals rather than a couple.

Uhghg · 16/01/2026 22:07

YANBU to feel angry that you are the default parent.

However, I am not sure what you expect him to do if he’s exhausted all other options.

His only other option would be to leave this job.

You can’t expect his parents to do it but perhaps he could ask them in the short term but if they can’t then they can’t.

Has he exhausted all other options such as afterschool clubs etc?

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:08

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 16/01/2026 21:44

Child care is both your responsibility’s and you need to work together. stop being petty.

Fair enough! I don't feel I am. I feel he passed it over to me so matter of fact and he isn't able or prepared to find a solution. He's come at it from a 'what are you going to do about it' attitude. Not what shall we do for the best in this new situation we find ourselves in.

OP posts:
PurpleTinsel555 · 16/01/2026 22:10

Of course it’s possible you’re both tired and at the ends of your tether, but you don’t strike me as two people who should be married anymore. The contempt is palpable.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:12

Taweofterror · 16/01/2026 22:05

I think you're both being really odd to be honest. I guess that's a symptom of things not being great between you.

In a healthy relationship you would have discussed and decided between you what to do about the new job and childcare i.e. decided together whether he should take it and how the childcare could or would be covered.

A solution to the childcare issue should have been sought before accepting the job. Did he just not tell you about the new hours or did you know but assume he'd find a solution? You seem to be operating as two individuals rather than a couple.

I think there is some truth in your opinion.

I'm not in the headspace to reflect on it right now though.

OP posts:
jjpollypocket · 16/01/2026 22:17

I hate that it’s apparently the mums job for school/nursery or whatever runs, why is it? Why!? I’ve had the exact same argument with my DH funnily enough he also can’t explain why it should be down to me to sort. Why is it that our jobs aren’t as important as theirs? You are NOT being unreasonable!!

Sunnyjac · 16/01/2026 22:17

Sounds like there are ongoing issues between you and this is one of those things that adds to your load. Childcare should be a joint issue but he’s not taking that approach so it’s completely understandable that you’re angry.

Daygloboo · 16/01/2026 22:17

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

Well it"'s good he got a new.job. He made mistakes. We all do. Would you be happpier he had no job. It's notbhis fault. It's not your.fault. It's circumstances. Sort it.

WhatASmashingBlouseYouHaveOn · 16/01/2026 22:19

Taweofterror · 16/01/2026 22:05

I think you're both being really odd to be honest. I guess that's a symptom of things not being great between you.

In a healthy relationship you would have discussed and decided between you what to do about the new job and childcare i.e. decided together whether he should take it and how the childcare could or would be covered.

A solution to the childcare issue should have been sought before accepting the job. Did he just not tell you about the new hours or did you know but assume he'd find a solution? You seem to be operating as two individuals rather than a couple.

This^^
Was there no mention or discussion between the two of you about the logistics of his new job. The commute, the hours, and how that might affect the childcare arrangements?
It seems bizzare to me that he finds a new job (great!) But then you both realise that neither one of you can do the pick up? Surely he would have realised this during the interview and job acceptance point.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:20

Uhghg · 16/01/2026 22:07

YANBU to feel angry that you are the default parent.

However, I am not sure what you expect him to do if he’s exhausted all other options.

His only other option would be to leave this job.

You can’t expect his parents to do it but perhaps he could ask them in the short term but if they can’t then they can’t.

Has he exhausted all other options such as afterschool clubs etc?

I didn't expect GPs to automatically fall in line with our needs, but we've come to the end of a week filled with uncertainty and new beginnings and this was launched at me at 9:30 PM on a Friday night. It wasn't a we need to look at how this is going to work. It was put to me that it's a problem and you need to sort it.

What will happen is I will have to have a conversation with his parents to find out if they are willing to help. However quite naturally they have their own lives to lead and I am reluctant to rely too heavily on their goodwill.

Because his commute is longer, he cannot get back in time for collection from ASC.

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:22

PurpleTinsel555 · 16/01/2026 22:10

Of course it’s possible you’re both tired and at the ends of your tether, but you don’t strike me as two people who should be married anymore. The contempt is palpable.

This attitude is why the divorce rate is so high! 😂

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 16/01/2026 22:23

Your child is a shared responsibility, you are both unable to pick up due to work, so it's equally both of your "problem" responsibility to find childcare. It sounds like it's been stressful for him, losing his job and then quickly finding another. You need to work as a team.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:28

jjpollypocket · 16/01/2026 22:17

I hate that it’s apparently the mums job for school/nursery or whatever runs, why is it? Why!? I’ve had the exact same argument with my DH funnily enough he also can’t explain why it should be down to me to sort. Why is it that our jobs aren’t as important as theirs? You are NOT being unreasonable!!

I appreciate your solidarity!

I think this is the crux of it. Another burden to carry because I am a woman.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/01/2026 22:29

' He's come at it from a 'what are you going to do about it' attitude. Not what shall we do for the best in this new situation I put us in we find ourselves in due to losing my job again '

@FumingFeline I've amended your reply as you didn't type it right.

Bruisername · 16/01/2026 22:30

I think the issue here is that your DH washed his hands of it and wasn’t going to work as a team - your response may be petty but it is completely understandable!

have a good rest and have the conversation again tomorrow

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:35

WhatASmashingBlouseYouHaveOn · 16/01/2026 22:19

This^^
Was there no mention or discussion between the two of you about the logistics of his new job. The commute, the hours, and how that might affect the childcare arrangements?
It seems bizzare to me that he finds a new job (great!) But then you both realise that neither one of you can do the pick up? Surely he would have realised this during the interview and job acceptance point.

Show quote history

This is the point. This is new to me also! At no point before now has he mentioned that the previous setup (his parents stepping in if needed) was an issue. They were willing to collect but more often than not didn't need to because he was available. Personally I would have preferred to pay the extra for after-school club on the days I work later because he still could have collected DC before ASC finished. He seemed set on having GPs on standby instead. For whatever reason, it seems (as of 9:30 PM tonight, GPs are no longer option and it's on me to figure out).

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:43

Obscurity · 16/01/2026 21:49

That’s the first thing you guys do, ask the GPs.

If yes, great, no problem!
If no, then you both need to put your heads together, think out of the box, and come up with a solution. There is always a solution, you just need to find it!

Edit: Yes, YABU. It’s a both of you problem, not just your husbands.

Edited
Show quote history

It is an us problem I absolutely agree. He made it a me problem. I got defensive and batted it straight back at him.

I'm absolutely on board with you. There is always a solution, I just need time to digest and take on the problem, because inevitably that is what will happen.

GPs probably will help to a degree, but it's going to mean having DC later and they have just hit retirement. They are entitled not to be tied to a commitment. And if they do agree there will still be times when they aren't able to. We will be stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:43

Bruisername · 16/01/2026 21:48

I get you OP - my DH used to complain we didn’t go out for dinner together because I didn’t arrange babysitters. Queried why he couldn’t and he struggled to give an answer that wasn’t ’because You’re the mum’

if you want him to resolve it then you can’t get involved at all - so the elderly relative (would they really do this long term?) you can’t really argue against. If it’s his problem you can’t meddle

it sounds like you need to consider paid childcare though so I would help him with that.

I hadn't thought about a childminder!

OP posts:
Uhghg · 16/01/2026 22:46

Eenameenadeeka · 16/01/2026 22:23

Your child is a shared responsibility, you are both unable to pick up due to work, so it's equally both of your "problem" responsibility to find childcare. It sounds like it's been stressful for him, losing his job and then quickly finding another. You need to work as a team.

I agree but I think this is the issue though.

He’s not working as a team he’s just dumping it on OP on Friday evening and expecting her to sort it out.

CantThinkOfAnotherUsernane · 16/01/2026 22:50

I think you’re getting some harsh replies here OP.
Yes childcare is for both of you to sort but if my husband got a new job and told me at 9.30 on a Friday night he couldn’t do pick ups because of his new job I’d be pissed off.
Assuming he knew the working hours when he applied for the job, did he not think to come to you and say Fuming, I’ve got the job these are the hours we’ll need to re figure childcare together?
If not and he went ahead and thought sod it fuming will sort it then yes I agree with you and it’s not just your problem to fix.
Will GP’s do pick ups if they were willing to previously? If not then he needs to work with you to sort something out such as a childminder, not just leave it to you to fix

Taweofterror · 16/01/2026 22:53

I do absolutely agree it's not your job just because you're mum.

He needs to speak to his parents.

Between you, you need to find out if childminders and nurseries offer after school care until the time you need and for a price you can afford.

If none of those work he'll have to accept that this job can only be a short term solution so he'll have to keep looking for work.

Shrugging his shoulders and doing what he wants without a thought about childcare isn't an option.

Original poster
FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 22:55

Bruisername · 16/01/2026 21:48

I get you OP - my DH used to complain we didn’t go out for dinner together because I didn’t arrange babysitters. Queried why he couldn’t and he struggled to give an answer that wasn’t ’because You’re the mum’

if you want him to resolve it then you can’t get involved at all - so the elderly relative (would they really do this long term?) you can’t really argue against. If it’s his problem you can’t meddle

it sounds like you need to consider paid childcare though so I would help him with that.

Said elderly relative has been known to go the wrong way round roundabouts! As much as I agree I can't meddle with any solutions put forward, I also can't agree to be okay with DC being put at risk. This solution was a ploy to put pressure on me. He has expressed many times that elderly relative is not capable of doing a school run.

I guess the moral of the story is, women will always carry the mental load. Even if it's to do something lovely, such as go out for a meal! I think I'm getting too old to put up with it!

OP posts:
Dissappearedupmyownarse · 16/01/2026 23:04

FumingFeline · 16/01/2026 21:29

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

It's both of your responsibility to sort childcare but I get what you're saying OP. He changed his job to one that isn't suitable or fits the current family dynamics. Would he be prepared to do the morning school runs if you suddenly changed (got sacked) from your job?? I'd be pissed off too as he's basically told you he can't collect your daughter anymore on your working nights and offered absolutely no solution to the problem! He has also left it up to you to sort out which isn't fair. What would happen if on your working evening you didnt sort anything? Would he just leave her at ASC and turn up an hour late?!
I would be telling him that these are HIS potential options and to let you know which one HE chooses:

  1. He gets his parents to collect her as they did previously and he'll have to suck up the extra commute when he fetches her.
  2. He pays for a childminder to collect DD from ASC and take care of her until he can collect her
  3. Changes his new job to one that is flexible around his childcare responsibilities!
CandidRobin · 16/01/2026 23:06

What do you suggest the solution is? Another Mum isn't an option. Husband's relative isn't an option. Husband not working isn't an option. Are you really angry about him losing the previous job? Although that ship has sailed now.