Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

It's BOTH your problem.. Something has to give, if neither your employers are willing to be flexible, I think either one of you need to find another job, or find some proper after school care, but that will be additional cost...

He really shouldn't have taken the job without this situation bring sorted first.

Good to see you working together as a team there OP. Top relationshiping.

Tell him to request flexible working

Theyd Also have a much bigger issue if the OP looses her job because she can’t work evenings all because her dh doesn’t try and sort the issue. Esp as the issue is here because he took a job wo checking if it was fitting with their family commitments.
As seen by the dh reaction when she proposed to stop working to do the school pick ups…..

@FumingFeline quite happy to see you’ve found some sort of agreement there.

I think theres probably a need to have a chat either way your dh re responsibilities.
Because all of this came because
1- he took a job wo checking if it would work re childcare. Probably assuming the priority was getting a job. And the heck with anything else.
2- he did that wo talking to you at all. I sure that if he had been honest from the start, you’d have immediately pointed out the issue. It wouldn’t have appeared as an urgent and no time to sort it out problem.

atm he doesn’t see sorting out childcare as his responsibility. You were right about that. And I’m not sure he has changed there at all.

It’s funny because clearly her dh thinks he can indeed leave it all to the OP and wash his hands about it. Despite the fact theyre HIS children too…..

Because he's saying childcare = women's work, he's caused a problem and is telling OP it's her job to fix it, threatening to put DC into an unsafe situation to score points in an argument with OP, refusing to take any responsibility for being a parent himself.

I don’t understand why it’s not a problem for you both to solve together. People change jobs/hours all the time. Yes, his job change was the result of a mistake he made but what’s done is done. Work together to find a solution. You might need to change the childcare option you use, like a childminder who can manage a late pick up instead of ASC.

It sounds like you have a very confrontational relationship. You’re a team. Talk through your options together and come up with a plan.

It reads like he wasn't aware the finish time would vary when he accepted the position. However he sounds like a waste of space.

Probably because he is leaving it totally up to OP to sort out a solution. She has no solution and was the one with the existing and known work hours.

The op has said it’s very likely he is just trying to get out of doing the pick up from his parents.

Basically lying about the issue to make the op find a solution for a problem that doesn’t actually exist.

I don’t get the anger directed to the op I really don’t.
Put it this way, if a woman who had been sacked from 2 separate jobs, took a job which meant she could not look after her DCs, then just told her husband that he was the one who would have to deal with it, I doubt very much if posters would be saying she was right. In fact I think they would find her very unreasonable.
Unfortunately this is yet another example of male entitlement. He won’t even ask his parents to help out as it inconveniences him.
Yet these same attitudes are the ones criticising women who don’t make sure they are financially independent.
Damned if you do and dammed if you don’t.

No wonder there is a decline in the birth rate.
And no, it hasn’t a problem for the mother to sort out. It’s HIS problem. He created it.

This is so over the top, it's clearly not her fault, but it's her family and children as well. They both are being childish, in a marriage you need to support and work together, and both need to resolve if the employers will not be flexible.

I doubt they can survive on a part-time salary, so they need to find help or after school care or it will be the children that suffer.

But that is the OP's point. It is their problem. But her husband has effectively turned around and said it is solely her problem to sort out.

There are people who will pick up children from school in the afternoons, and take them home til you (or he) finish and go to collect. I know cos my next door neighbour does this. You might be able to take turns collecting. Obviously you have to pay for this.

It's great he has got a new job so quickly and this has meant new arrangements have to be made for DC. A longer term plan is needed of course, most of us have to adjust our usual lives at some point.

Can you change your work schedule in any small way, can his parents continue to help, find a childminder? Xxx

To be honest I would just be relieved he had another job and I would be willing to cover this if I could all for men sorting things but right now getting established in this job needs to take priority , ad for asking other people maybe he doesn’t have those connections with other parents etc ? My husband wouldn’t. Maybe it’s been a stressful time and this is the last straw but genuinely I don’t think you can’t be that inflexible his routine has changed so your routine will change

Sounds quite stressful for both of you.
Him getting sacked, now starting in a new job with different hours and GP pulling out.
Id guess you are also carrying all the above stress and not happy about how it’s all turned out.
From a logistical point, I understand why husband might want you to approach a parent and not him.
Historically, you’ve done all the drop offs and most of the pick ups, I’d guess you know the parents better than he does ?
This was the case when I worked PT. I was often asked to pick up other children and likewise, on the odd occasion I needed help, I knew the mums I could call on. My husband didn’t know the other parents as he hardly ever dropped off or picked up.
I suspect it’s not just him assuming you will sort out the pick ups that’s actually the problem here ??
I hope you manage to get it sorted.

"Negligence potentially causing death to bystanders. This is why it was instant dismissal. He had a disciplinary resulting in a warning the same week he was dismissed, for the same thing."

I get the seriousness, but was the mistake the kind of thing anybody could do easily even though it could lead to death like like not closing a fire door because you're used to leaving it open? That's the kind of thing that would take me time to learn to change because I do things on autopilot.

Can I ask whether you are illiterate?

It's good he found another job so quickly and luckily.
Maybe that's why he hasn't discussed it together because he felt he had to take the job regardless.
I do understand you feeling pissed off about him not taking your job into consideration but maybe it was a need this job have to take it deal with consequences later situation .
Just needs to cool down a bit then hopefully you will both work it out .. you could say don't assume your roll in the family is less than his just because he earns more you are both equal .

You silly, silly poster

Get a childminder to collect your DD when needed.

Sounds to me like the GPs have filled n this week and found it too stressful/tiring/time consuming or whatever. As a very hands on granny I can sympathise. It may be though that once the dust has settled they will agree to be part of your plan again.