Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

The new job doesn't allow him to pick up from school. But it sounds like hubby is saying though shit it's your problem to sort out.

If this is true elderly relative needs reporting to the DLA as not fit to drive.

A friend of mine’s father was killed by an elderly driver who did just that.

After 20something boys elderly people have the most accidents.

Other than that this is DH’s problem to solve.

@FumingFeline I get that you keep saying he’s a hard worker, but this seems to be a sort of “shield” you hold up so that your brain won’t whisper what other users are saying: “So he got sacked, then found a job, then got sacked from that one, and now’s he’s found another. And dumped his problem in your lap.” And then it’s truly ridiculous, because when a mum (especially single) wants a new job and realizes it will clash with childcare, she doesn’t usually accept the job without a solution; I’ve seen more than one MN thread from women asking for childcare advice before accepting jobs. Cor, it must be lovely to have a wife you can dump it all on!

I don’t know what any of this means about your marriage. IF he keeps fucking up jobs and dumping problems on your lap, resentment will grow. If this can be a wake-up call that you’re not just going to magically sort shite for him, maybe it’ll help. I know I’m a pessimist, but I think the former is more likely than the latter.

@FumingFeline Collection of your children from school isn't your problem?

We have ascended to new levels of crazy, where no man has gone before.

Not RTFT but have you looked at childminders?

Issue resolved after a good sleep and a constructive discussion (Initiated by me).

I think someone asked if I was really angry about him losing his job. Obviously I wasn't thrilled but anger wasn't my reaction - I could see how upset he was with himself. I felt empathy and I expressed it to ensure he knew he wasn't a disappointment. When he told me he lost his job, he apologised for being a "f@#k up."

I used the word 'problem' which has been highlighted multiple times. 'Problem' was reference to the issue with childcare, not my responsibility as a parent is a problem.

I was mirroring his words back to him last night because I wanted him to understand how frustrating the problem feels when it's batted back.

The core issue is more how in most cases, women are burdened with not only making their own careers fit in with family life and partners work, but also being the ones to adapt if anything changes.

My behaviour and the way I handled the problem was to feel angry with the prospect that my job seems less important, and appeared to be threatened. I love my job and it took a long time to find a role I could sustain along with OUR other family dynamics.

DH has a different spin this morning. Apparently there is no issue with GPs helping as they have done. He now says he was referring to when they can't on occasions. I will shoulder this by asking to amend my working day to accommodate school collection. Not what I want to do, but there isn't another option.

He agrees that elderly relative wouldn't be able to do school pick up. This was just a push back on his part and he has somewhat acknowledged it to be.

The new job is 5:00 PM finish. It was advertised as so. This week he's been training with somebody and the only time they have finished roughly on time was when the other employee needed to get back for an appointment.

I think the other part of why I was feeling a little put out is because I have already agreed to collect DC on another day I didn't have to when he was in his previous job. Not because I'm doing the school pick up, because I've already taken on extra to accommodate his new hours. This is not a complaint. I have been completely supportive and helped his transition to go as smoothly as possible without adding more pressure for him. I have capacity to do it, so I will. Last night was the tip of the very tired iceberg for me and I feel I've done enough to make this work already.

ACatCalledFawkes it's perfectly normal and reasonable to say when you are offered a job 'thank you very much, please can I confirm with it tomorrow morning' (or similar) or 'thank you very much regarding the working hours....'
All of those are normal conversations and wouldn't stop the money coming in whilst he discusses/negotiates overnight or whatever. He hasn't started the job yet by the sounds of it so he has not lost the money yet and they are not going to withdraw an offer because he said he needed to confirm or because he asked about whether there was the option to tweak his working hours.

Shouldn’t it be a joint problem? You’re a partnership, after all. Do you often sort issues out separately?
you need to sit down and think of your options - as a couple.

I suspect he was trying it to see if he could somehow get out of the longer commute to collect DC from GPs.

You would have more problems if he didnt have a job and no money was coming in from him. You need to work together to find a solution. If you're only part-time why can't you adjust your hours.

People who are saying it's a joint problem/OP needs to work as a team with DH seem to be missing the point that the DH dumped the problem on her, when it was too late to solve, with zero effort at team work!! So the OP needs to be a team player, but DH is the only team mate she has...and he seems unwilling and incompetent.

I hope you both manage to find a solution OP.

The new job is 5:00 PM finish. It was advertised as so. This week he's been training with somebody and the only time they have finished roughly on time was when the other employee needed to get back for an appointment.

Is there a reason why he couldn't speak up and say he needs to finish at 5pm, as his job terms state, because he has to pick kids up from ASC? You know, like women have to do all the time?

Because I can't. The evening work is a part of my contract and it isn't a flexible part of my role.

I adjusted my ability to work when I became a parent, and I sourced a job to fit with family commitments.

He's got a job. Him not being in employment is a non-issue. No point worrying about hypothetical life could be worse scenarios.

Can I ask do you actually like this man?? Every comment every single mention of him you are beating him down, making snide remarks and Jibes. If you are like this in person is it any wonder he just thinks "sod it I'll leave her to sort it" as any solution or suggestion he comes up with I assume you just beat down like you are doing here

This is really not a healthy relationship and your child/ren should not be witnessing such nasty interactions

Please see other posts.

If his new job is not comparable with his childcare responsibilities then he doesn’t accept it and looks for something that is.

I agree not your problem.

You mean the posts where you are been unnecessarily awful about him??

If he was this way to you, saying these things the women of Mumsnet would be screaming abuse

Years ago when we had big issues going on in our family that required my mum's full attention, and my dad couldn't take time off work they put me in a taxi to take me to and from nursery school. I remember it well - nice driver. Could you do this on the rare occasions when it's necessary? I don't know how old DC is - could they come home on public transport? Or have a bike?

Yes I was about to say exactly this
"I have to finish at 5 today to get back for pick up"
Like all of us mums have had to say at some point

I have a job I really love and am aware of what you can ask.
the point is if he had turned the job down would he have found something else so quick give he had been fired. If I was looking for another job but had a secure job so no rush to leave considering working hours etc wouldn’t be a problem because I would just continue in my job. That’s pretty normal Ime.

Are you on the wrong thread Easterchicken?

Why on earth is he getting sacked so often would be my worry?!!!! What the hell is he doing to be sacked not just once but continuously and in new jobs too?!!!
I don’t know anyone who is continually sacked - or that has been sacked at all!

In the past I have employed a sensible older teenager to pick the kids up from school and oversee them till I got home in an “older sister” capacity.

I understand why you’re upset. It’s a shame he has come up to you with problems not solutions. You aren’t the one who changed the circumstances. It’s the expectation that you mind sorting it out that gives me the rage.

EXACTLY!!