Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

Exactly. He’ll have to do what mothers in the workplace have always had to do.

Put his child’s needs first.

Also, I can’t imagine, having been offered the job, he didn’t mention it at that point in a ‘only problem is the hours, what do you thibk we could do?’ Way

I think when you are using phrases like 'not my problem' rather than 'ours' in relation to children, then your relationship is over.

"(Although I could argue it was a careless mistake that he did TWICE resulting in instant dismissal)."

Depending on what it is, it could be totally understandable. I work by habit so I wouldn't necessarily be able to follow a new policy straight away.

It's exactly what the husband has done, though... decided that sorting childcare isn't his problem.

OP is reacting to that. I don't think she'd have objected if he'd talked to her before taking the job and explained the problem it posed and asked to discuss together possible solutions before he accepted it.

It must have been a very serious mistake to have lost his job over it. Are you sure he's telling the truth?

Whoever is available to collect the children in the near term needs to do that. They are collectively your children. There's no point getting stroppy and stubborn about it. Your DH needed to get the work situation sorted so he did. The alternative was him sitting watching daytime TV. Which option was better?

I'd be furious if my husband got sacked twice in two years! He created this problem, he would resolve it. Yes childcare is a joint responsibility but OP hasn't done anything to change the status quo and he's trying to land it in her lap. If he'd been made redundant I'd feel differently, but who gets sacked from two different jobs in under two years, then gets another one that significantly impacts childcare and doesn't consider that before accepting it?!

I think YABU as yes its a problem for him ,but not just up to him to sort really.If he asks his DP and they cant/wont,then you both have a problem .A CM after school or maybe ask the other Mum for a few months while you sort something out .Its not fair to ask her to do it all the time.Hes got himself a new job and thats good .Maybe you can see if there is any flexibility at work? for both of you .

The cut and thrust of it is you now need a childminder. Who will pay for that? Can you use someone else’s in short term whilst you find someone? In honour of a solution you could ask another school mum and he should ask his relative (maybe each could help on different days)- since you need someone (anyone) to do it whilst you broker a permanent solution: one or both of you adjust work hours or hire a childminder. Possibly a mix of both. You could ask him to find the child minder?

If I've understood the timeline correctly, this is the end of the first (?) Week of the new job (or couple of weeks) and this is when the reality of the logistics has been realised.

I'm going to guess, that either the GPs or DH (or both) have decided the unpredictability of pick up, extra commute time and overall longer day does not work for them.

So the actual problem is the finish time and work location.

If DH is the one that dislikes the new set up, then its on him to find a new job.

If the GPs don't like the set up, then I also think he needs a different job.

Let's face it, with his track record he won't be there long.

Another thread half full of men's right activists - or handmaidens

Yeah I’d be pissed if this was dropped on me at 9:30 on a Friday night.

my ExH had a similar attitude, but to be fair once I said look I’m having trouble sorting childcare he did get off his arse and investigate options (and then apologised afterwards).

I’d suggest doing a brainstorming meeting with him to generate possibilities -

grandparents
elderly relative (maybe not by car!?!)
childminder
maybe TA from the after school club
other school mums (worth asking as back up - make a list)
look on sitters.co.uk for babysitters who might have a car and be able to collect

It’s exhausting though isn’t it. It’s not just the childcare issue (a childminder would solve this) it’s the lack of communication, the assumption that it’s you to sort it out and the mental ¯\(ツ)/ that it just isn’t his problem because you know, uterus vs testicles and all that.

Once he's settled into the job, assuming he doesn't lose this one quickly, and has passed probation, he must ask about flexing his hours to enable pick-up.

My guess is he has a mental block about some trivial organisational things. If he refuses to do this, that is helpful for the OP to know, if she has to make decisions about the relationship. If he doesn't, it's clear she is carrying the whole system.

I know childcare needs addressing but has there been consideration to continue the job search rather than settling for a job on less money and unpractical hours and a longer commute

Or will the next job change be after another sacking like the previous trend

A little u fair to be angry at him and im not sure why you are. The change in hours is dictated by his company, it’s not like he’s out playing football after work… would you rather he not be working and free to do both school runs?
I think you need to work it out together rather than getting angry with him which doesn’t solve anything.

I reckon I'd probably be a bit put out in OP's position if my husband kept getting himself sacked and then expected me to sort out new pick up arrangements for the kids all on my ownsome.

She not angry that he can’t do it - she’s angry that he can’t do it and expects her to find the solution

Bloody hell you both need to sort it out. He lost his job got another now you both need to come up with a plan for your child. Not rocket science really is it. The poor kid.

This. Stop being petty and sort it between you. 🙄

I am.

He got sacked from his job and has accepted a new one, the hours of which mean he now can’t do his share of pickups for the dc’s - and he expects the OP to sort out the childcare for this.

He’s a dick and the OP is fully entitled to be annoyed. He should sort it out.

Getting sacked is extremely stressful and even if he did something dumb to get in that situation I’m sure he regrets it and probably doesn’t need someone being all hostile at home now.

So many excusing this man’s incompetence or unwillingness to parent.

Could you use a local teenage babysitter or failing that a childminder? Just for that shortfall?

It is both your problems really. It sounds like you're annoyed because he was sacked. For the second time in a row. I can't blame you for that.

But he's working again now and he certainly doesn't want sacking again for taking unauthorized breaks to collect kid.

Or otherwise say he'll have to ask his parents. Can't they send her home in a taxi if it's a hassle for him to drive to theirs? Paid for by him obviously.

it’s his behaviour that is creating the hostility

If his attitude to the childcare issue is reflected in his attitude at work then he maybe shouldn’t be surprised he keeps getting sacked