Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

Honestly, you guys need some relationship counselling.

There is a proble to solve, i.e. school pickups now that your schedules have changed. And instead of coming together as a team and looking for solutions, you are playing the blame game and pointng fingers at each other. That's not what being a couple is about. Being in a family means you all work together and help each other so you can all thrive, him, you, the kids.

If he hadn't found a job so quickly, you'd have been on here posting that he is unemployed and not paying bills.

Jobs with flexible hours are hard to come by. It's often the qustion of having a job with set hours, or not having a job at all.

Stop fighting, make each other some nice food, and sit down and brainstorm how these pickups can be covered.

I accepted a job with odd hours in the middle of nowehere once because I was miserable in the old one and desperate to get out. We only had one car at the time. What did my partner do? He woke up early every morning to drop me off until we found another solution. This is what coming together means, not 'up to you to sort out, good luck, bye'

Showing a bit of solidarity here! I’d be pretty annoyed if DH didn’t pose it as “I’ve got an issue with my hours and childcare, we need to try and sort something out. I think xyz could work but do you have any ideas?” Instead of “Here’s the problem, what are you going to do about it?” Well done for pushing it back to him.

A couple of years ago, DH was working abroad and became stuck there. He was essentially caught up in a civil war and couldn’t safely get out. He was there for an extra 4 months on top of the two he’d already been so it included summer holidays on top of the half terms I’d already sorted whilst working full time. I sorted it all and then the next year he was home for the summer holidays and we sorted it together. He was actually annoyed that I had managed by myself the year before without asking for help!

I am with you OP! Always being the default parent sucks! I've stayed in the same job for 9 years because it fits with childcare yet my husband can switch jobs and accept promotions and we just go along with it!
Sorry I can't offer any advice re child care but I understand your anger!
Ps. Sounds like you may need to report the elderly dangerous driver to the dvla!!

Could you both pay for after school care? The kids are both your responsibility

I don't disagree, but there is no solution I can give her that would force him to be an active participant in sorting childcare out.

Surely you work these things out together ? Maybe if you were divorced and living separately it would be his problem. But it’s work . It’s not like he can’t do pick ups because he’s in the pub . I think your reaction is very strange . Don’t you see yourselves as a partnership ?

It’s at least the second time he’s been sacked according to the OP.

Why are posters putting this on the OP?

Shouldn’t the poor little sacked man have to sort out his share of childcare bc he has a penis??

People who are saying “you should sort it out together” really mean “you should sort it out OP, on account of you having a vaj”!

^This

This.

Can smell them and the dank mouldiness of their bedsits a mile off.

Sounds a super healthy supportive relationship you have there

I'm confused though why he can't do it if he's unemployed

Did you read the opening post? He’s not unemployed

For those who think its difficult to get sacked it really does depend on the industry, sounds like th DH is in the trade/factory/production type industry to of previously been able to do the job and finish, also to of picked another job up so quickly. In these industries its very poorly regulated in terms of employment conditions (whether thats legal or not is another argument) often no HR/ big corporation, if your face doesn’t fit or u ‘make a mistake’ or a customer complains its cya, don’t bother coming back. Multiple friends and family (male) work in these industries i have seen it time and time again. In the same context they experience a very dim response to childcare duties - a friends partner asked for paternity leave and was met with a basically WTF response and again thats quite standard, flexible working - regardless of if its legal or not generally frowned upon, and would probably be used against them. just putting some context into the difficulties he may face- not saying its right or i agree, but i feel on MN many have corporate jobs and can’t relate to areas/ industries that aren’t quite as regulated.

In terms of the situation its difficult but i imagine he just wanted to get another job to ensure there was money coming in quickly which isn’t ideal but whats the alternative… not working until the right hours come along.

Agreed it shouldn’t just be down to the OP it should be a joint effort to sort, his attitude hasn’t been the best on that front. But OP he is abit tied if his job requires him to finish at say 5- what would you like him to do ? I would look into a childminder.

That doesn' explain or excuse him essentially telling her that anything to do with their kids is all her responsibility to sort out.

Many posters seem to be missing the point here. It's not about the fact that his hours have changed and he can't pick the kids up. It's that under those circumstances he didn't speak to her to say that 'we' have a problem and 'we' need to work it out. He jusy told her he can't do it and she has to sort it out. Not 'they' have to sort it out. She does - and then he pushed back when she tried to make it a 'we' problem to deal with together.

No. It's 2026. We need to stop accepting the studied and deliberate incompetence. I hope my daughters grow up to be lesbians because I'm despairing about the quality (or lack of) among the men out there and don't want them to have to deal with this bullshit.

Can you be fired just like that? Gross misconduct? Shouldn’t he have had warnings first?

Also isn’t a year now before his rights kick in and not 2?

Whats the back story here?

I get this, people have their own style of learning.

It is a new health and safety policy that would cost the company millions if the worst was to happen. Negligence potentially causing death to bystanders. This is why it was instant dismissal. He had a disciplinary resulting in a warning the same week he was dismissed, for the same thing.

If he thought the job had fixed finishing time, why can't he talk to work and say he can be flexible on (these days) but needs to leave at normal finishing time on (needed days).
They would probably work with him on that.

I can't believe the amount of people who think it is the OP's responsibility to sort out a problem which was her husband's making.

I cant believe couples dont work through these problems together

He's not very reliable, is he?

I can't believe he didn't discuss the working hours at interview or when he was offered the role and think about whether those hours would work/say thank you for the offer I will come back to you to confirm. That's what normal people do if they have responsibilities

Is it not a family problem?

Surely him working is better than not working and the fact he found a job so quickly given he was sacked means you don't stand to lose any money. Can you not both think about a babystter or paying a childminder? It doesn't sound like a great marriage TBH if your response to the new job is to start arguing about what time he finishes. I

f work says he has to be there until late that's what he has to do or he leaves over the childcare issues which leaves you all worse off. I don't think this is for just you to resolve but its really entitled to act like he can just go in to the new work place and demand the hours he works around childcare in the first week.

What even when they have no money coming in? This isn't career move, he's been sacked and needs a new job.

Yes but presumably you didn't accept the new job knowing you couldn't do the pick ups and then just say to your husband "I can't pick up the children anymore. What are you going to do about it" and refuse to have any further input?

Of course you didn't.

Honestly he sounds worse and worse with each post you write.

Are you new to MN and life generally?