Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

I have no idea why you’re getting a hard time here OP. I totally understand where you’re coming from.

It sounds like he’s been sacked from at least two jobs, and that in itself is frustrating. His actions have disrupted your life and, yes, you’re a team, but he’s adding avoidable difficulties into both of your lives.

By taking this role and presenting the childcare problem in this way, he’s made it a ‘you’ problem and I agree it’s for ‘him’ or you together to sort out.

Yes there are alternatives (childminders, clubs, condensed hours, nannies, etc) but that was on him to figure out before he accepted the role.

The only thing I disagree with is your comment about divorce rates. Yes, they’re high, but I don’t think that’s a problem. Honestly, I highly recommend it 😉

She is both your child, it IS your problem. It is BOTH of your problem. What is this juvenile, petty games some couples play?
Dc needs collecting and it needs sorting. Both of you need to give your heads a wobble, stop arguing like children and sort something out. Goodness me....

You are both her parents.

You should be working together to find a solution not battling about it, its not producing any helpful results, so sit down together and figure out instead of point the finger at each other

Oh gosh, I see what you mean about accountability. I’ll catch up but there does seem to be a deeper issue (with him!).

You mean uterus.

I find the hostility between you both the biggest issue. It sounds like your dynamic is to blame each other for issues rather than work together to get a solution.

I think it’s bigger than this. OPs husband got the sack (from a role that was working well for the family) and not for the first time.

now he’s in the role he finds the work times aren’t predictable but he’s just (again) the passive victim and not taking any responsibility for the issues. No pushback at work to say he has to leave at a certain time to get his children. No other “solution” apart from something completely unsuitable to demonstrate his incompetence and force op to solve the problem.

I think you need to reconsider your whole setup, if he’s working full time and the breadwinner and you are working part time and earning much less but neither of you can pick up from after school club. This arrangement doesn’t make sense to me, usually the one working/earning less has more responsibility for the pick ups etc. Yes he shouldn’t just be putting it all on you suddenly but it sounds like you both need to discuss how it’s going to work going forward. The second week in a new job isn’t a great time for him to start saying to his new boss that he needs to leave early.

You both look for new jobs that fit in with school run, whoever gets one first takes it
in the meantime you look for a mix of paid options (eg local 6th former or uni student) and begging once a week favour from family

Your relationship is completely doomed if not already over.

This is a joint problem - it's not on one parent or the other to sort, it's a sit down and discuss what you're going to do. Job and finish in a job is a perk, not a right, it's unreasonable to just expect that.

As well as your inability to work together, these things also stand out:

1. He keeps getting sacked
2. you're NC with his parents

This sounds like an absolute disaster of a relationship.

You need to forget the after school club and have a child minder pick them up, problem solved
If you get universal credit in any shape or form even the housing elements you get 80% off the child care fee back. You can also be eligible for tax-free child care
It doesn't matter if he lost his job. It's both of your responsibility to sort out who picks them up and just because you had an arrangement before doesn't mean it should stay that way forever now his job circumstances have changed. That's life - things change, You are both the parents of these children, not sure why you are being so rigid. One of you needs a job where you can drop them off to breakfast club in the morning and the other one needs a job where you can pick them up from after school club and now his circumstances have changed you might need to speak to your employer to change your hours somewhat but for now I would say get a child minder
As a single parent I had to go to work and do this by myself so hopefully you can manage, when my DD became 10 years old, she had to go home by herself from school, something I was terrified about and absolutely hated but thankfully the school is literally opposite, You just have to sometimes manage.

I would be fuming too. Not only rudely forcing the responsibility onto you the woman, assuming another mother at school with her own responsibilities will “have to” step in, but the manipulation of coming up with a dangerous solution so that you feel forced to step in. Men!

[irony alert] Have the child adopted, then you can both run the family in a mutually acceptable way. .

It is all on him because he took this new job knowing there was no childcare! The time for it to be for both of you to sort out would be If he had come to you when it was offered and said “look I can get a new job but it will mean I can’t do school pick ups, what shall we do?”
Instead he’s taken the job knowing full well he can’t do pick ups and so he intended to screw you and your job over from the start. Prick

Sounds like a case of “don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions”.

Parents are equitably responsible for childcare. If you work fewer hours and bring less money into the household, it’s equitable for you to do a larger share of the childcare and household chores (which it sounds like you are). But not to find solutions for him to cover his share. That’s his responsibility.

If he was a lone parent, he’d presumably look for a local childminder to collect his DC from ASC.

And if he’s changed job without considering or discussing the impact on caring for his DC, he’s being unreasonable. Good teams adapt to changes together, not unilaterally.

It’s a joint problem of his creation. He robbed OP of her right to a say in its resolution when he took the job without consulting her about childcare.

This should have been sorted out before he accepted the job.

You are both parents. You are both working. It's up to the two of you to sort it out between you. Neither of you get to say 'not my problem'.

I'd be fuming too. And people saying you both need to sit down and figure it out are completely missing the point, he made it very clear he's not interested in that!

I don't know what the solution is, maybe start mirroring his behavior and act like it's his responsibility to sort it out?

This. You both sounds like stubborn teenagers.

You cant change your hours. He cant change his hours. That means childcare needs to change. Use a childminder that collects from the school and has them afterwards.

You need to sort yourselves out as a team.

It is both of your issue to solve.

Together you need to work out the best way to support your family, and recognise that things change when new jobs / hours / school demand / relative’s availability/ childcare availability change.

It sounds as if His parents have been extremely helpful in making all this work.

Maybe together you need to look for an after school childminder, you explore different shifts (can you start earlier?) or whatever.

I can't imagine taking a new job knowing that there would be no one to pick up the kids. He is an absolute arse and doesn't value your right to work at all. He should request flexible working. The business can say no if they have a legitimate business reason but if you don't ask, you don't get.

You’ve not really been clear about why he’s been sacked though, and now you’ve disclosed that he’s been sacked prior to losing the last job. How long was he there ? If under two years l agree that there’s not much he can do about it, but it sounds like a pattern of employers getting rid before he has full rights.

Sacked because he made the same mistake twice in a week doesn’t sound right. Even for employees of under two years, there are disciplinary procedures which should be followed - verbal and written warnings etc - if the employer is a decent one. Maybe now he’s back in work he could look to make more of things - opportunities to progress within the company etc, or use it as a stepping stone to look for something a bit more fulfilling and long term.

It sounds like a recurring problem, so what l’m saying is maybe look at the root cause and go from there. As for the immediate situation, it’s really something that you need to work around together. He has no right to pile the problem onto you, but equally you have no right to say it’s not your problem.

You have a two pronged problem here. Your DH doesn’t seem to be able to hold down a job long term, and the two of you aren’t communicating properly. You both need to think about the effect on your family as a whole if this continues.

Well it would piss me off that he accepted a new job without first discussing with me how we would sort the childcare.

If I understand it correctly, that's your beef. Not that he has a new job and you need to come up with a childcare solution together; I don't think you'd be angry if he'd said, "I have this job offer but I can't do the pick ups with it, let's discuss it." It's because he took the job knowing it caused this problem, didn't duscuss it with you and just put the responsibility solely on you to come up with a solution.

Childcare is both you and your DH "problem".....
Communicate properly and find a solution together.
I can see its stressful to have to find childcare cover but better to work together than say its not my problem.
Have you asked why your DH parents can no longer help with collecting?

And what happens to the children in this toxic atmosphere ? This isn’t a solution, it’s a perpetuation of the situation until the inevitable breakdown of the marriage.