Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

We use ASC but his new role means he isn't able to get there before it finishes on my later working days.

We probably will find some way around it, I was annoyed that it was put in a way that it's my issue to resolve.

I assumed nothing had changed and this setup would continue. This is one of the reasons I am so stumped. There has been no mention of GPs no longer being an option until a few hours ago.

HE is the one being petty. He got himself sacked, he should look for a job that works for the family. He shouldn't expect OP to sort things. He should carry 50% of the mental labour.

This kind of mentality is why women end up in poverty, or living with a hideous shitty man, in old age.

I think it's also worth mentioning that the new job apparently had a predictable finish time. However since starting he has discovered it's not always the case and it has a major impact on the difference between making it to pick up from after-school club and not making it. That is why there wasn't a major discussion about how we'd manage it.

Yes and as for asking the other mums about doing pick up, while it totally shouldn't just be on the women, if it is the case at your school that all your friends who do school runs are women, some of them might find it weird if he contacts them/talks to them when they don't know him, and they might just be more likely to do it if you ask. Not saying that's right or fair.

Totally on your side with this one op, I will soon be getting a new job after being a sahm for a few years, I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure the hours work for juggling childcare with DH's current hours. I wouldn't just get myself a job and then go to DH and say "by the way I will no longer be available to pick the kids up, I know you're not available either but it's now your problem"

It seems like people aren't really seeing the issue. He thinks the children are OPs problem. He thinks it's not his responsibility, he's working and that's that, even though she's also working and had her hours before his.
Of course it's an issue! He can't just wash his hands of his childrens care and pretend it's nothing to do with him.

It is fantastic he has a new job. As mentioned I was supportive. I didn't panic because I know his character and I was of sound mind that he would do everything in his power to get another job. I updated his CV at his request (the CV I created for him when he lost another job).

Yes, we all make mistakes. That's how we learn. That's not the issue. (Although I could argue it was a careless mistake that he did TWICE resulting in instant dismissal). The issue is that he's now firmly planted the childcare problem in my lap to resolve. I will because what choice is there. But it doesn't feel great that the pressure is on me to manage yet another problem.

Just another sexist twonk who thinks ‘the mother’ has primary responsibility for children and home, whether or not she works.

It’s not about fault it’s about taking responsibility. His circumstances have changed, he needs to follow through dealing with the implications. Asking you to help him would be one thing. Manipulating you into dealing with his mess by threatening to abandon his children is shitty behaviour.

It’s not your problem.

But it’s not his problem either.

It’s a shared family problem to solve by collaboration. Pitting it as him vs you will never work.

Shock horror he may have to talk to his new manager about his limitations on being able to stay late as he has childcare responsibilities!

YANBU to be angry that he has dumped the problem on you because you are female.

I hope he finds a solution.

Reading some of these responses telling you to just sort it made me feel angry on your behalf OP! He accepted a new job without even considering the impact on childcare, because he knew you were there to sort it for him after the fact. That is intensely annoying and says a lot about the dynamic of your relationship generally. I suspect it’s not about just this one incident, it’s a general trend of leaving problems to you to solve and you’ve, understandably, had enough.

That being said, if you aren’t happy with the elderly relative alternative then you really do need to work on it together. If you want it to be entirely his problem to solve then you are giving up your right to veto his solution, imo.

But I would, over the longer term and in a calmer state of mind, address the imbalance that is causing the underlying resentment. It will just fester otherwise.

Twonk! 😂 Like that word!

I've recently delegated a few 'life and home' jobs to family members. These are jobs I am particularly rubbish at, not too heavy to carry for others, but just enough to make my life a little less 'oh shit, I forgot because my mental load is like a Jenga game and it keeps toppling over.'

One of his jobs is to monitor milk levels and restock when we're running low. His response was, "but I don't drink milk, so that shouldn't be my job." (He does drink milk). No mate, but DC does, in copious amounts and we don't own a cow therefore I'm making it your (not too labour intensive) job.

It’s ’not your problem’?

well it’s both if yours problem as they’re both of your DC?

Why can’t men organise childcare? If the expectation was on my DH to do certain pickups then he needs to organise childcare after school clubs or a nanny or whatever

Leave it with him, as you said you would last night. Keep to your word. He can talk to his own parents about his change of circumstances. Don't step in for him on his behalf.

I was rage typing. You're right, it's not a problem, it's a responsibility.

A responsibility I took on when looking for my own job to ensure that my hours aligned with family commitments - including his working hours.

I also ensured to ease his stress by allowing him time to feel sorry for himself and updating his CV for him. I've also ensured he has food on the table when he comes home from his new job because he is home later than he used to be.

To be honest, I feel like I'm pulling my weight in this team!

Why don’t you just ‘get the sack’ because I’m guessing you had to call in sick in the end? Il never forget when I had to work evenings it was hell and can turn any relationship with small issues into massive issues. Luckily I always did the school runs I never had any other options. It sounds to me he doesn’t know when he will finish his new job? Maybe this is not clear and men are afraid to ask about simple things

Because the OP is part time, in this case. If they were both full time I would agree with you. That said, I agree that the marriage sounds on its last legs.

But why is op part time and working evenings - she’s doing it to help with the childcare and this is at a cost to her.

I've always been part time and there are 2 days a year I need DH to be here (he travels a lot) - I give at least 3 months notice. Pretty much every time he tells me with a weeks notice that he has to be away. So that’s a great way to ensure I don’t expect to be able to rely on him. And yes - we are on the road to divorce!!

you are both BU. Him for not taking into consideration the previous arrangement and talking discussing it with you. You because you think isn’t his problem. You are a team! Things happen, life happen. You both, together should find a solution, make arrangement when possible.

But OP, everyone knows that any issue to do with children automatically defaults to the mother. sarcasm

I'd be livid too, in your shoes. Honestly, I firmly tell him HE has to find a solution to the problem he has created, then do nothing and refuse to discuss it any further.

When my DD’s were at school and we couldn’t pick them up we had a childminder who did it and we’d pick them up from her house when we finished work. She did loads of after school pick ups. They even did their homework at her house and she provided snacks. There were about 5 kids there at any given time and the DDs loved it. Made great friends. Look at local childminders.

This week wasn't a problem because his parents collected DC. This is why I was so surprised (and resentful) when he decided to let me know I have a new problem to sort out... On a Friday night.... With only the weekend to come up with a solution! 🫠

I used to do twilight shifts when DC was in nursery which was awful.

I love my current job and the evening work I do is a favourite part of my role, but it's a long shift because I work my usual hours in the day.

Do you have a university close by? I know people who have had uni students help out