Not My Problem

[FumingFeline]

Might be long but don't wanna drip feed.

DH was sacked last week. In a new job already. Definitely not work shy. Old job was full-time but job and finish type scenario. Started work early, not around for morning school runs. New job isn't quite as early, but finishes at a set time which means he won't be back to collect from after-school club. In previous job his parents would pick up the slack if he wasn't able to collect.

I work part-time hours. Some of those hours include evenings. DH could collect from after-school club on days I work later when he was in his previous job.

Tonight he said he doesn't know what's going to happen when I'm working late because he won't be able to pick DC up. Obviously I can't do it, and I don't feel like this is my problem. I calmly (evening though my blood was boiling) told him this. He is adamant he can't do anything about it. I responded neither can I. He then said you'll have to ask another school mum to have her. What he hasn't taken into consideration is said school mum works evenings, plus it's not her problem. He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it. He said he can't sort it. I asked him what he wants me to do about it? He doesn't have an answer. I asked if I should quit my job and he can pay everything. This made him very cross, and of course this isn't an option. I pointed out I wasn't the one who lost my job. He couldn't help it, apparently. He's saying the only solution is his ridiculously elderly relative who still drives but really shouldn't still hold a licence can pick DC up from school. He is saying this because he knows I won't have that. I told him I know why he's saying it (backing me into a corner). He's now stating that this is the way it is going to be.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think this should be on him to sort out. The answer is not having a dangerous driver collect our DC. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am!

I feel so angry right now!

Yes, he pays more into the home. I do all morning school runs and most collections. Probably will do more now his hours have changed and I accepted this. I've been understanding. Haven't stressed and showed support when he was sacked. Now I feel like I'm seriously taking the brunt because of his mistake. I honestly don't have a solution.

It sounds like he has been sacked from 2 jobs?! The last one and the one prior?
I think you’re right to be annoyed, when taking this job he should have made it clear to you that he wouldn’t be able to collect the children so that you could BOTH discuss what the best option may be.
Is there a childminder that does pick ups from your school? Mine is collected from school by his childminder twice a week instead of him having to go to after school
club, she keeps hold of him until by DH can pick him up.
It is a problem you both need to have a think about it, but I’d be really chomping if he keeps getting sacked and then refuses to help with the solution of childcare.

How long have you been in your job? I think I’d be reminding him that given his employment history it would be foolish to jeopardise the one steady employment in the family

I don’t have a solution for you beyond suggesting a childminder (as well as or instead of ASC) - however just wanted to say I feel your exasperation and anger that solving his problems always falls on you. It is like having a second child.

I would say he needs to ask his parents and let him deal with it. So what if he has to go and collect your dc it’s what parents do.
Am I reading this right, he has been sacked from 2 jobs?
That sounds irresponsible,
He also should not be accepting a job without discussing it with you.

You should be a team. It’s for both of you to talk about and solve the issue of child care. Don’t have children if you don’t want the responsibility!

You don’t sound like a team.

It’s not clear why his parents can’t pick up DC or why you need to ask them?

I’d be the same as you tbh. Especially given the way he left the job, I wouldn’t be happy at the impact on the family.

He was wrong to put the issue solely on to you. It's not a woman's job. He sounds a bit unreliable if he keeps getting sacked from jobs. That must be really unsettling for you.

I'd enquire in and around the school to find out which local childminders serve that school and do wrap around care (they usually like all their charges to be at the same school for logistics) and hope you can find one with availability. Obviously it will be an additional cost, but you seem to have little to no other options.

I feel you. I had this conversation with DP recently, I am sick of having to do all the hard stuff. Having to find permanent emergency childcare over a weekend due to a situation that a) wasn't your fault b) you were unaware of and c) shouldn't be your sole responsibility, is just another 'hard' thing you have to do because you have a vagina and birthed babies. I have no advice other than to do what you're doing and kicking up a bit of a stink about it (and the milk).

I totally get why you’re pissed off. It’s a situation that you both need to sort out.
Having said that, I’d be pretty angry that this is the second job that he’s been sacked from and even more so that he didn’t have a conversation with the new employers before he started re needing to be around to pick your child/children up some times.
Brilliant that he found a job quickly (he shouldn’t have lost the previous one) but totally selfish to take a job so quickly that clearly doesn’t fit with your current set up. What a dick.

He argued he can't do anything. I asked why it's on me to sort it.

Focusing solely on this comment, YANBU. I still remember feeling enraged by my DH’s comment on ‘helping’ me with the DC. I said he wasn’t helping me, he was doing his bit as a parent!

So I’m in full support here @FumingFeline and you might be enraged all the more if his attitude has been bubbling under the surface of your lives and it’s only fully surfaced (along with your resentment) because of this current issue. It’d be his attitude of ‘it’s your problem’ that would trigger my ire. Possibly he's also feeling guilty and defensive for being fired. Men often hate feeling guilty.

All the mothers here pointing out it’s your shared responsibility must have brilliant marriages where everything is discussed and sorted together in lockstep. That is wonderful for them. In my world, it’s mothers who do the lion share of parenting. In fact, there’s quite a bit of empirical research that finds this to be the case for many many women.

😂 I'll just send DC off for adoption then. Responsibility solved!

FYI, I have a metal coil inserted into my vagina in order to prevent any further responsibility.

I agree with this. Work and childcare should be a team effort, both of you work on a solution. But you both clearly have a 'me vs you' attitude rather than 'us vs the problem'. He's come at it saying 'I've made this change which causes a childcare issue, you sort it out' which isn't on.

Oh OP - I understand. I get the same, and the rage. Remember that you're both very stressed and Friday night is when you're trying to decompress after a long, hard week. It sounds as if you work very hard.

The grandparents might be too old and you can't rely on them. So there should be another solution.

What's worked for us when we didn't have the hour of cover between after-school club and getting home reliably:

1. search childcare.co.uk for young nannies e.g. students who would actually like 'small' jobs. They might prefer £20 for 90 minutes compared with £30 for three hours from another job.

2. try your personal networks - is there an older sibling at sixth form who would be up for doing the walk home and watching the children/giving them some snacks until a parent gets back. There aren't many solid jobs for teenagers any more so you can design it in a way that makes it good for them.

I think this should be an "us" problem. You both chose to have a family, it shouldnt be your sole responsibility for childcare if you both work.

I appreciate your frustration DH got sacked twice? And after this most recent one hes on less money at less agreeable hours? That sounds to me like he needs to ask his employer for some flexible working hours. If they decline, he needs to consider GPs or childminder or after school club. Or he needs to commit to looking for a more suitable job and you both may need to use some leave until then to manage the childcare.

Appreciate your frustration but making it a "him" problem will just cause more fights

The milk - he should order a delivery - it's slightly more expensive for the milk, but ends up cheaper than going to Tesco Express in a hurry and buying lots of snacks on top.

Why is it on the OP to find the solution?

But this is up to him to figure out and not for op to suggest

i think it can get so engrained that the wife is the house manager that the husband just sits back and waits

It's not clear to me either. I didn't know this would be an issue until it was raised. That said I don't like to rely too much on GPs because they have their own lives and now they are retired they can decide at a drop of a hat they are going on holiday (rightly so). And with age comes more health problems.

I'll figure it out.

I take it you’re aiming that at OP’s husband if he’s reading here?

I get it OP. And yes, it should be a joint problem to solve....DH created the problem, whether it was deliberate or not, whether it was his fault or not....so why is it your problem to solve?
Sometime I don't think men have the capacity to understand that it's just as much their responsibility and they should also be able to come up with a solution....why are you the only one capable? Rage away.....

Oh I agree! It's not even a hard job!

Do school not do after school clubs or wrap around care? Ours does.

I understand your anger, OP. Your husband made mistakes at work to the extent that his work no longer wanted to employ him. And it sounds like this has happened before at a previous employer. So its a reasonable assumption that he is not a responsible employee.

This has resulted in him taking a new job which gives both lower pay and longer hours (creating a childcare gap). He is reneging all responsibility for the childcare solution to you.

As an outsider, it sounds like he needs to grow up and take responsibility. As an employee (so he doesnt lose this new job) and as a father/husband.

This is different than a redundancy situation where it is a joint problem. HE caused the sacking. The first time it happened was a mistake but the second is a major character flaw. It’s pretty hard to get sacked. Changes need to be made and they need to be made by HIM.

for my pennith, you are both being unreasonable. Picking up children isn’t a one person or the other problem, it’s a joint one. If his job has changed (and forget the whole who got the sack thing), you both need to work out the solutions together and come up with a joint plan.

he should not be expecting you to organise new pick ups, but it should be a joint and collaborative conversation.