Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

You need to just move her school, dont let them make you feel like its a normal thing that needs working through.
If you had a friend in a workplace like this would you advise her to stay for the next 5 years, or to look for a new job? And thats comparing to an adult who has already hopefully formed their self esteem and resilience.
Teenage years are vital for building self image and confidence, especially for girls. She needs to be moved somewhere where she can have a fresh start, recover from that and put it behind herself.
Start her at a new school, within a few weeks invite some of the girls over for a sleepover or after school to hang out and put that horrible school and the bullies into the past.

Is this BH? Only a guess based on where you are & description. If so, it might be harder for them to remove the problem girl but at the same time they should be taking some sort of disciplinary measures, even if it's happening out of school - their own policy on Online Safety confirms that cyber bullying will be treated as a school behaviour issue.

Ask for a copy of the school complaints procedure. As you have been quite rigorous in what has happened so far, you can go straight to making a formal complaint about the HT and their inactivity.

Saying that they have no control of what happens outside school is utter hogwash. You should be able to find the name of your Chair of Governors on the school website, your complaint goes to them, it may be that you will need to leave it at the school reception, look at the timeframe and make them stick to it. Bullet point the timelines, your asks and the inactions, and state what you would consider to be a reasonable outcome.

Someone up thread mentioned describing to staff how their colleagues at a national newspaper would frame it - the spectre of the press (can be local) can really work wonders, in the context of the crackdown on online bullying and harassment as well you might want to point out that it's likely to get a fair bit of traction as a story.

I'm so sorry for your daughter going through this, it is appalling, the head sounds completely useless. Unfortunately one downside of independent schools is the fact they don't have to comply with regulation to the same extent, therefore some staff who actually couldn't make it in terms of compliance in the state sector end up there by default.

This is not normal & it’s very worrying.
my steps for a state school would be to involve governors- what is the equivalent in an independent school? Failing that, even Ofsted!
as for the cyber bullying- you can make the police aware. The fact the school are saying they can’t get involved with that one, explain to the police. I know they 100% do take cyber bullying seriously.

this school sounds terrible, & mainly for the sake of your daughter, but also of other pupils, there needs to be an inspection of their safeguarding policies!

This

Totally not overreacting and from personal experience, this kind of "low level" bullying with little school intervention is why my autistic daughter is now terrified of other teenagers and has been in burnout for over a year.
Most schools have a separate social media policy, which might be worth reading. From what I understand, it should be similar to work social media policies, in that they should be able to get involved as it directly involves another pupil. Do you think school are hoping you will remove her because they were forced to take her, despite her physical disability? If so, absolutely seek advice regarding discrimination. And definitely go to the police as well - if nothing else, it should force school to take it more seriously. Presumably you are unaware of the other girls SEN needs, so it may be that this is caused by social communication issues and school/parents are actively working on this, however it is no excuse for your daughter feeling unsafe and I'd be fuming that they are trying to get her to speak to the other girl!

No I don’t believe that at all. They seem to be very good regarding that. Just I’m unsure what to do with this going forward. I think I may not return her Monday.

So according to DD today the Elsa told her the reasons he wasn’t getting an apology is because the girl has no admitted she has done anything to to her - so she won’t be getting one.

i really don’t know where to go from here.

I don't know about independent schools, but in state schools online stuff that happens outside of school is/can/ and will be dealt with in school. One of our leaders is always having to deal with stuff like this.

If the school aren't doing anything then I'd move her school they are doing a really poor job and your having to pay for it.

The head sounds useless, I would escalate and complain to the chair of governors and go into lots of detail about the head making it worse by disclosing all the details. If that doesn't work try the independent schools commission and then the DfE. They absolutely should be addressing bullying and taking if much more seriously.

So them saying they can't do anything about cyber bullying is I believe incorrect. The below is from AI (but the paid for version so very likely to be correct).

The Education and Inspections Act 2006 gives headteachers the specific legal power to regulate the conduct of pupils even when they are not on school premises. Furthermore, statutory guidance (Keeping Children Safe in Education) requires schools to have safeguarding policies that address "child-on-child abuse," which explicitly includes cyberbullying occurring outside of school hours.

A school risks legal liability if they ignore cyberbullying in the following scenarios:

• Discrimination: If the bullying is based on race, sex, disability, or religion, it may fall under "Title IX" (US) or the "Equality Act 2010" (UK), requiring the school to take immediate action to stop the harassment.
• Safeguarding: If the bullying involves threats of self-harm, physical violence, or the sharing of "nudes" (illegal content), the school has a mandatory duty of care to report this to social services or the police.
• Impact on Learning: If the victim is too afraid to come to school, their grades are dropping, or they are being ostracized in class because of the online posts, the "disruption" is now occurring on school grounds.

I think a few people have said to escalate to the governors and report this to the police. If the head won’t take action and the school are expecting your dd to appease this child because they are refusing to get involved, I don’t think you have an option.

First thing on Monday go into the school and tell them to sort it or you are contacting Ofsted.
This is not ok and I am so sorry that this happening.

OP come on!

Do NOT remove DD (even if you keep her home for some days) - I think that's what the school wants. I am certain you will not get a second opportunity to get the LA to pay for private provision, and that the alternative she ends up with will be worse.

This is a one-girl issue - as soon as the school takes responsibility and acts, it will once again be the best environment for DD.

So - Tell the SMT that you will not be removing her.

Challenge the SMT's assertion that cyberbullying being unsanctionable - esp if as another poster said it goes against their actual policy!

Tell the SMT you will be going to the police with the online threat to physically 'jump' DD, along with the information that the school have washed their hands.

Escalate immediately to board of governors - do not wait for the SMT to come back to you before doing this. Use the strategy oulined in my previous post - as well as being very concerned about the pastoral failure to protect your DD and its longterm impact on her mental health, you're very surprised they are not more alarmed by the reputational and statutory risk in failing to enact their own policy on bullying, or to meet national safeguarding standards, especially in relation to an LA-funded child,

KEEP AT IT. You really do have a duty to fight for your DD and you know that even though the school have revealed their hand, and their sliminess, this is still the best place for her and she deserves the opportunities it will bring.

Keep evidence of any messages etc and tell the school if they do not take any action you will be reporting to the police. Then do it.

That speaks volumes as to how little they intend to support your daughter.

I have, and I still think the school is unwilling to come down hard on the other girl for fear of her parents removing her (and thus their income stream). I realise the OP also pays fees via the LA, but they know, as she does, that it's not quite so easy for her to withdraw.

No.. ask that the bully is moved the bully will feel more powerful if she gets this innocent girl moved. The bully will brag to her friends ,and the friends will pander to her more. Do not feed/reward the bully. Schools are very slow to talk to the parents of the bully. Its not a personality clash, its a bully.

This is horrific to read. How does DD feel? My only advice is to put her feelings above all else. I used to battle DS to get him into school some days. I soon realised that I need to be on his side and in trying to force him in, I was ultimately saying to him that his attendance and education was more important than his safety and feelings. Listen to her needs, and then act upon that. I’d also recommend any actions to be taken with/by the school be communicated/confirmed via email. This means in a worst case scenario that you have evidence to show the LA if you need to move schools, justify absence etc.

Not sure if I am replying right- but if DD is disabled and funded does she have an EHCP? Could you link this to not meeting her needs. I would be speaking to the LA if they are funding/ SENCO in school to link this to her needs not being met.
This is absolutely not acceptable behaviour and I would be alarmed that this is being flagged as normal- I am a teacher having taught in mainstream secondary/ independent sector and also SEN.
please check out their bullying policy and other policies you could reference- parent communications / other relevant - all should be available to view in their website and may take a bit of reading but you can contact governors if they are not following their own policies.
hope this helps

It’s such a hard thing because she does like it there she loved every other aspect of the school but this has been chaos especially since going back after Christmas. The OT is really understanding and I am hoping more will be put in place and she has literally saved me from going nuts the last week. I don’t think the head teacher is being like anything other than wanting to almost get everyone getting along again and move on but I think we are stuck on a Roundabout as we can’t agree.

Tell the school either they deal with it or you will reported it to the police as cyber bullying and then they can deal with the police

Maybe they don’t deem the tik toks as severe as I do ? Maybe I’m over protective I have photos that I sent. So there was evidence.
but maybe we are over “ sensitive “ as the way everyone described it is low level bullying.

This was one of them just to show the words.