Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

I wouldn’t pay to send my child to that school. Unfortunately with private schools, the school is a business and will be treading carefully not to upset you or the other girls parents. Some of the private school bullying stories I’ve heard are worse than state school.

Agree with this.

I used to be a governor at a state comprehensive and kids actually got suspended for online bullying.

OP, I would seriously consider moving to another school. That school is not managing behaviour and that is school manager 101 - without decent behaviour nothing else in a school will go right. I’m not saying the teachers should have an iron rod (I don’t agree the Michaela school behaviour management style) but I do think a school should be firm and fair so all children can learn and also feel happy and safe.

Year 7 kids are pretty feral (at least in my kids school but they go to a large comprehensive) but this is nevertheless completely unacceptable - you need to report it to the school asap. Keep a diary of anything that happens going forwards and make yourself a nuisance until they sort it.

I remember Year 7 (first year as it was then) being horrific for bullying - girls against girls. Intense manipulation and cruelty. It does scar.

Thuggish behaviour from boys happens a couple of years after.

No, not at all normal.
This school is a bad fit.
Your poor daughter. I’d definitely move get as this place won’t get better.

My son is Year 10, and has never experienced anything like this, in his state secondary school. We all like to think a private independent school, would be better, but sadly, that's not always the case and in fact can be worse. Your daughter is experiencing bullying, both at school and online.

I understand the school can't sanction the girl for something that has happened outside school. However, they can sanction the girl for any bullying that has taken place inside school.

I see that you are in an awkward position as the LEA fund your daughter's education at the school, due to her disabilities. Moving her to another school isn't quite so straightforward.

I think you need to email the safeguarding lead and ask them what steps are being put into place, to ensure your child feels safe at school.

Year 7 and year 8 have been bad so far for us

TAKE THE CHILD OUT NOW. This level of bullying is not normal and the school not putting a stop to it shows that they are incompetent AND don't give two hoots about your daughter. Honestly being bullied is the worst, just remove her.

So inexplicably sad that some people pay schools money and this happens to their children. In fact many children in the indie sector are traumatised - from bullying, sexual assault, drugs etc. - in indie schools and end up being ideal candidates to be leaders of the country (sad fact). There is absolutely no reason for this to continue - and I definitely won't be paying money for this.

I can't quite work out - is this an independent mainstream or specialist school? Sorry if you have said.
I'm coloured by our experience at an independent specialist school that we are in the process of moving our DS from.
We had to ask children to be moved from his taxi for safeguarding reasons - one was so much older than him (he was 10, other child 14) that they shouldn't have been together at all.
A teacher has been convicted of child abuse and this is the same throughout the sector (multiple schools have evidence of child abuse).
The LEA will have to pay if they approve another place - they don't pay up front for the whole year in the same way parents do, I don't think, but that's not your problem. In fact in our case they wanted to move DS to this school immediately when the school said they'd take him, as they wanted the place in his previous school for a child who had to move urgently.

From the NSPCC website:

A whole-school approach is key to preventing and tackling bullying (Department for Education (DfE), 2018a; Welsh Government, 2019). This includes bullying that happens outside school and online (cyberbullying).
Schools should work to create an inclusive and supportive learning environment where children, young people and adults treat each other with respect. As part of this, staff and volunteers should challenge inappropriate behaviour or language and not dismiss it as ‘banter’ (DfE, 2018a).

Here's the link, you have to click through the pages to find the above text: https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/bullying-cyberbullying#skip-to-content

Also on one of their pages: Contact the NSPCC Helpline on tel:08088005000 0808 800 5000 or by emailing [email protected]. Our child protection specialists will talk through your concerns with you and give you expert advice.

Sometimes they back off in the 2nd year, won’t help your situation. I know you can’t just take her out for to the funding situation, school is survival for some kids.

My son went to an independent school and this seemed commonplace between a lot of the girls who were in a clique, the boys either got on or didn’t but didn’t have any of the issues like the girls. Definitely speak to the school, they were usually quick to resolve any of these issues. Your poor daughter, hope it gets sorted.

Talk to the governors. Given the pressure independent schools are under to attract pupils, they need to know you’re not going to take it on the chin and if people start talking about their inaction, their numbers will go down. I had similar with dd and ended up taking her out, found out others had done the same, and now that school is known for its terrible culture

The school is incompetent. At DC school (independent) they come down on kids like a ton of bricks with nasty social media stuff, whether it’s happened during school/term time or not. Saying that their hands are tied is absolute bollocks.

In what world.is this fairly normal??

Ah well, money talks you see. This is my issue with private schools - in a state s hool, it's all about the child. In a private school, it's all about the parents. When a safeguarding issue comes up, the private school protects its income.

Have you read the thread?

Not normal at my kids comprehensive that has a very mixed intake and in special measures

You need to escalate to the governors formally following the complaints process. You may wish to tell other parents facing similar issues that you are doing this.

The head’s approach is appalling.

If someone was threatening to “jump” your daughter I’d report to police
Also if the head teachers says this is normal year 7 stuff then it’s not a year 7 or school I would want my children in.

That's an appalling response from the school. They should be ashamed of themselves. I would move her. You need to protect your childs wellbeing. She doesn't have to put up with that.

This is a BAD independent school and you should move your child!
Mine go to an independent school and the slightest whiff of bullying was dealt with swiftly and decisively.

Your poor child. I am so sorry for her.

Retired secondary (state) headteacher here. It's absolute nonsense for this headteacher to claim they cannot sanction a pupil for cyber bullying. They can and they should. Frankly, if I were you I'd take it to the police and tell them the school refuse to take action.

I did this with mine in yr 7 op ,,kept him off till they sorted it .
He's been punched and was suicidal ,pastoral care where extremely concerned about him I said he won't be back till the other little shit is dealt with properly.
Took them 5 weeks .