Am I being an overbearing parent or is this normal for 8 weeks in secondary school ?

[2026sendhelp]

DD started secondary school In September - an independent school.

In 8 weeks of being there the following happened. — was not allowed to play with the air hockey table as was told by the other girl she makes the rules. —was told Mutiple different lies about other children saying things about her like “ your the only one they don’t like etc
~ told she wasn’t allowed on the group what’s app because none of her peers knew who she was - she’s invisible and then encouraged to take a photo of herself for the girl to send the boys in which she was told by the girl nope they still have no idea who you even are.
-told that the school therapist and disclosed information to the other student about daughter not belonging in a form.
~public social media posts calling her a b* h** and lil beg with a further post referencing her friends ( not in same school ) wanting to Jump her.

we were told that this a fairly normal to happen in year 7

my DD is terrified to go to school every morning - she is a passive young 12 year old who has no so much missed a homework deadline.

it’s difficult to fully get a grasp of what is going on.
but from what you have said this is BULLYING.
Absolutely not being overbearing.

I'm so sorry, this is awful to have to witness such bullying to your child. Be assertive and write everything down (emails to the school etc), it may be relevant later. If the school are being too passive, look elsewhere. Genuinely believe that if the school are being weak now they won't change until you show real teeth and intolerance for any such issue, something worse happens or you threaten to leave (and mean it). Girls in secondary school are evil.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter
same thing happened to my daughter at an independent school,
my DD hid it from me for months, eventually
took it up with the school, the bully was a teachers child , with an established group of girls around her. The school’s intervention made it worse they didn’t handle it properly. The advice we received is do not move your daughter because the same thing will happen again at another school unless she deals with it. really wish I’d moved her. She’s now 23 years old with real self-esteem issues and that early bullying has had an effect on her entire life. To this point, girls are the worst and if the school can’t deal with it other things will start to happen for my DD. She started fainting illnesses missing school.
a good therapist helped, but I wish I’d moved my daughter, at the time she was terrified of moving away.

Tell your LA you need an emergency Annual Review of her EHCP.

That will give you a place to talk through how the placement isn't working and for the LA to put pressure on the school to fix it. Either that external pressure works or you swap schools. This is one instance where your LA may be fully on side.

Chances are that the girl doing the bullying has needs beyond those the school knew about but that's not your problem.

It took my son about 3 months to get into the swing of secondary school but that was more the overwhelm of the speed of the day, the homework, the vast amount of kids an trying to find new friends. He did go with lots from primary school but they weren’t his cup of tea. He found a great group of boys he’s now friends with. He is in year 8 now but said from day one onwards that so many of the girls are awful-really unkind, self centred and rude. He avoids them at all costs. Your poor daughter-her first term at high school sounds awful. I’d maybe look at removing her.

If they are happening online that’s cyber bullying- report to police

Former Head of Year here and Year 7 form tutor (independent schools).

Whilst I wouldn't say this kind of situation is uncommon, it certainly isn't ok. It doesn't sound like the school are dealing with it well, either. In a small cohort, a toxic mean girl can really affect the dynamics of the form and make life hell for the girls being bullied. (And, before anyone says, this bullying girl may well have her own pastoral issues but that's not the focus of this thread).

Some questions to consider:

• how big is the school? Could a move into a different form be enough of a new start?
• what other local options are available?

If you are unimpressed with the school, better to move sooner rather than later while friendships are still being established. This girl is not going to change.

Sorry OP, just seen that it’s a Sen setting. Your poor daughter. My other child is in a Sen setting and the staff are great-but it’s a local authority one. I really feel for you.

Put it in writing, document it and keep adding anything extra. Request a face to face meeting, in writing. Request a plan of action and minutes of the meeting. These things drift, and you get passed from pillar to post but hard copies of requests and actions can't be ignored. Hopefully if staff feel accountable by conversations/communication being recorded, you're more likely to see progress.

It feels a bit much and formal but you'll be grateful if it does escalate. Also, if things do not change and your daughter is still being bullied, write to the school goveners. Schools usually should have a zero tolerance policy.

It's not normal. Normalising bullying is minimising it.

Im so sorry your daughter is experiencing this. Fill her with love, affirmations and keep her off these WhatsApp groups as long as you're able to.

This must be heartbreaking for you to see this happening x

Please get her off social media. WhatsApp is for 13 years old upwards. As a teacher I see daily the horrors of mobile phones & bullying/ sharing of images/ pack mentality on platforms like WhatsApp. You need to speak to the school safeguarding lead as a matter of urgency.

Look on the school website at their bullying policy, spreading rumours is actually part of the policy at my daughters school....... ask for a meeting at the school with the girls causing the problems along with her parent(s).

If this girl is doing this to multiple people it won't be long until someone snaps and gives her a slap, which in my opinion she absolutely deserves 🤷‍♀️.

Tell the school your daughter is now scared to come to school, and if they dont sort it now then them and you are going to have massive attendance issues.

My daughters school always said the right things when I approached them about issues, not bullying but she is a SEN child. They woukd talk the talk but not walk the walk..... consequence if that was extremely bad attendance as she would be in a ball sobbing every morning.

I have since sent in a subject Access Request to the school, waiting for all the information I asked for in that........ but they arent gas lighting me anymore amd are actually doing what they say their going to do

Oh hell naw. I would becoming down on that school like a ton of bricks. Threaten writing to the governors and Ofsted. The school is being utterly useless. If there is evidence that your child is being bullied by their students on or offline, it is absolutely their responsibility. Money talks - threaten to pull your daughter out, that should get them moving. This is absolutely not good enough.

Hi op if I’m reading your post correctly does this school not want your dd there? Because none of this behaviour is normal yes kids need to settle in but the teachers should be helping them settle. Unfortunately some kids are just horrible little bastards. Especially if there are only 6 girls exclusion is bullying & turning other kids against her. Definitely report threats to the police because sometimes these bullies push kids to suicide and nobody wants that. She is probably jealous of your dd and is being horrible because of this. Does the school have governors if they do always report to them. Op send email to chair person they have to discuss the details in there meeting and the head has to act upon it. I wonder if they want you take dd out that why there not supporting you both. Good luck.

if you have digital evidence of the bullying and it is clear evidence that ist applies to your dc and the school are not doing anything - its it worth getting a solicitors letter into the school? Might it be the rocket up the arse to get them to do something?

Try to look round for a school with excellent pastoral care

This isnt just bullying its also discrimination and intimidation against a disabled child. I would to the following

• Gather evidence eg screen shots of things online / keep a log of incidents and threats
• Report it to the local authority and school as a safeguarding alert - do this using online forms or via letter depending on the policy for raising alerts.
• Report each threat and incident onlin to the police
• Contact a charity that supports disabled children or people with the specific condition - they possibly have a support officer / welfare case worker who will be familiar with similar situations - they can help support you.
• Check the laws yourself online - use an AI tool to help but then check it is correct. It could be online hate speech as well as disability discrimination - laws such as equality act, human rights act, data protection, online safety act are all relevant
• Check the schools policies - I expect that the policies are full of the correct words but its not happening in practice. Check the disability / EDI / inclusion policies as well as bullying and harassment
• Ensure you put it in writing to the school really spelling out how their actions are not in alignment with law or policy
• Also put in a separate complaint about the disclosure by the therapist - even if it did not happen it forces them to investigate which will involve the child who claimed it had happened
• In your letter to school call them to account about their lack of action which does not align with the law or their stated policies and state you will be involving third parties - eg whichever charity supports disabled children, the childrens commissioner, your local MP etc (any anyone else you can think of to bring pressure on them)
• Threaten to go to the board of governors and Ofsted if they do not take action
• Threaten to pull your child out of school until they can provide a safe environment and do so if needed. NB the worst they can do is do a referral back to the local authority for school refusal then the LA get involved and they would also become involved in the issue.
• Ignore their attendance systems and attendance pressure - this is also another way to exert pressure back onto them - they have attendance stats to maintain.

i know this because I have needed to do the above myself for a child in a similar situation and it did work.

At the moment they are trying to fob you off and make it go away. You need to apply pressure and kick up a huge fuss by involving other organisations / third parties and making threats of involving more and more until they rectify it. You need to be your childs biggest advocate and it will not be easy as it means fighting the system but using the above will enable you some leverage to make a change for the better.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Go to the principal . We had similar issues and the year head was way too soft on the perpetrators and it dragged on with no recourse for the other children. We changed schools .

Not normal. Get her out of the school now and then make a formal complaint to the school and local authority.

This is just nasty OP. My kids are in state, and there’s NO way this would be tolerated. Get her out that toxic environment!!!

You're doing the right thing contacting the LA to see if there are other options. This sounds like an awful environment. Who was it that told you it was normal, the school? Its certainly being normalised by them which isn't on. No wonder you feel at a loss. Ultimately they're not taking it seriously - it seems like your only options are to keep escalating, and keep trying to find alternative provision. I'm so sorry as your heart must be roasted. 12 is so young and bullying is so fucking horrible 💔

Totally unacceptable. We went through similar in year 7 and ended up changing schools. Poor kid that’s awful.

Sorry to say, but it is hard starting secondary, and there will always be a minority that will bully and believe that it’s acceptable.
When my DS started secondary 2 years ago, it was exactly the same. Bullying in the bus straight away since day 1. Obviously, I got really upset not to say angry, as he is a sweet lovely boy.
I not only discussed with the school but also with the bus company. They all have duty of care and bullying is not accepted or to be ignored. You must cut from the start and play hard.
I raised with the school and kept in touch. It didn’t take long for the bullying to stop. Another thing is that girls can be mean, and so is social media and especially WhatsApp groups, they are made for this type of thing. Just and idea is talk a lot with your DD about WhatsApp groups, Insta, and those other groups that I don’t remember the name and try to stay away if she can. Keep with a small group of kind friends if she can, create her own little group of trustful friends. I talked a lot about friendship and how much teenagers can hurt others feelings without even realising what they are doing and the consequences of it, sometimes fatal for youngsters. I think that being honest and also showing that you are there for her and will keep track of the solutions that the school is providing is the best way to deal with it.
but this is temporary, as the months go by she will settle and be in a best place.
when my son moved to year 8, I told him to remember how he was treated and felt when he first started in secondary, to be a good friend and example to the new ones coming to year 7 next.
i hope it helps a bit x

If the LA are funding, I would approach them with your concerns

Move her. School attitude stinks. You will never get help from them

By the way, there’s always the Ofsted treat, you ca report bullying to Ofsted and the school will have issues. Mentioning the anti-bullying policy and also they must have it available on their webpage open for all to check, will give them a clue that you are not dismissing the case.
I also mentioned the name of the children bullying my son and asked how are they dealing with him, what was the actions taken.
don’t step down and they will start taking responsibility. Remember they have duty of care.
regarding the on line lulling, screenshot, print and take to school in a printed letter, dated etc… just as you do when taking someone to court